Ihad just moved to another city for work. Six days a week, I’d go to the office and come back to an empty room. In bed, I would trace dust spores and watch the hours go by in a strange city. It didn’t help matters that I had to censor my beliefs and interests around my housemates. I started spending my evenings at a coffee shop and looked out at the hills while trying to write. Winter rolled around and transitioned into spring. My loneliness hit the mantle. So, I downloaded an app.

The Pakistan Telecom Authority (PTA) banned several matching apps for spreading “immoral content” in September 2020. However, it chose to forgo Bumble, and its use has skyrocketed since then. The American dating app markets itself as “feminist” because “women make the first move”. Bumble introduced its “BFF” or friendship mode in 2016. The company calls this setting “a simplified way to create meaningful friendships” and “expand your social network.”

Unlike other social media sites such as Twitter and Instagram that recommend connections based on an algorithm or mutuals, suggestions on Bumble BFF are based on interests. Users can tweak profile filters to search for a gym partner, travel buddy, playdates for kids, a volunteering companion, or nights out.

The original purpose of social media was to connect with people without any geographical constraints. However, the space has become increasingly commercialised in recent years. It is difficult now to separate an individual from a business account, which makes it harder to find like-minded people. It merits a mention that existing social hierarchies are also carried on to social media. Hence, it does not become the empowering space for gender minorities and working-class individuals that it should be.

An app for friendship?

Nida* grew up a lonely child in Islamabad. She had a hard time making friends and lacked strong friendships with women. “My upbringing did not give me a lot of opportunities to meet people I could connect with intellectually. Being shy, I wouldn’t have been able to make use of those chances even if I had had them,” she says. Finally, in her late-20s, Nida* had the confidence to look for friendships like that, and that too, during a pandemic.

Employed at a US-based blockchain company, Nida* works from home. “I don’t go out that much so an app was the easiest and safest way to meet people.” She met people through the app. They would drive up to Murree on the weekends and share stories over pakoras and chai. She found something that had been missing in her life so far due to the tendency of people to form cliques in big cities. “I’d say people are prone to bias in real life. They will make more effort to chat with someone they have just met on Bumble than they would at a party, for example,” she says.

Gender-related mobility restrictions

Why Pakistani women lack opportunities to meet people organically is a point to ponder. The country’s social structures are quite conservative and women do not enjoy the same freedoms as cis-het men. Very few live independently and often struggle to justify their meet-ups to parents or spouses. Unconventional ways to connect with people can be their rescue.

Rida*, a writer in her mid-20s living in Lahore, returns to the app infrequently because her full-time job does not leave her with any opportunities to meet people in real life. She says, “There is a greater pool to interact with online. Also, talking to someone and having some idea about their interests before you meet them helps break the ice.”

Fizza*, a jewellery designer in Lahore, joined Bumble to divert her mind from daily stressors. “I wanted a non-judgmental space to talk to people. That is often not possible in real life.”

The sense of gender-related isolation was exacerbated during Covid-19 lockdowns. Fauzia*, a 24-year-old instructor in Islamabad, tells me she lacks access to the outside world apart from work/ university. She found it refreshing to meet new people platonically through the BFF.

“The online experience is about talking to strangers and finding common ground,” says Alina. Nida agrees: “I did not take ghosting personally because I started doing the same to people after some time.”

Nida believes that there may be more to why women in Pakistan are seeking friendships through dating apps. As a person born on the intersection of millennials and Gen-Z, she remembers growing up with a lot of negative messaging around women friendships. Now, she is observing a dynamic shift in popular culture. “We lost all these opportunities to form bonds and have only now discovered the power of sisterhood. Perhaps, that is what we are trying to grasp through channels like BFF,” she says.

Limited prospects?

But this enthusiasm doesn’t carry across the board. Women complain that many people on the app tend to be ‘flaky.’ Rania*, a 28-year-old who works in the education sector in Lahore, says the friendship mode “sucks” and she was not able to match with anyone. Rida* concurs. She did not make any friends through BFF but connected with some people through the dating feature. “A couple of times I'd match with someone I really liked talking to and could see myself hanging out with just for fun. So, we would stay in touch platonically.”

Moreover, in a country where people understand social life in a very singular way, many using the friendship feature treat it as an alternative to the dating side. “Out of the already limited pool on dating apps, very few would be looking for friendship,” Rida* argues. This can be misleading and frustrating for people in search of platonic relationships. “I came across some people who wanted something romantic, but were using the BFF mode,” Hira* says.

Ghosting

Just like the dating side of things, ghosting is common on BFF too. People swipe right but do not make the effort to get to know you. And unlike in real life, there are no consequences for ghosting people on these apps. Rida* argues that long-term connections online are difficult because conversations have a way of fizzling out and “coming across someone reasonable is rare”.

Alina*, a 20-year-old business student in Lahore, says people should set aside their fears of being ghosted when using dating apps. “The online experience is about talking to strangers and finding common ground,” she says. Nida* agrees: “I did not take ghosting personally because I started doing the same to people after some time.”

Logging off

A lot of women using the BFF mode do not do so consistently. They also delete it when they don’t feel like talking to anyone and keep on switching between the friendship and date settings. Iqra*, a 22-year-old back-end developer in Lahore, is thinking of deleting the app after making a friend. “It requires a lot of social interaction,” she complains. Nida* also used the app for a short time despite her success. “I just don’t have the bandwidth right now to make new friends and give them the attention they need,” she says.

In spite of all the problems associated with online communication, Nida* came across some who have been on the app for more than two years. “They have met some wonderful people, made memories, and plan to continue using the BFF feature,” she reveals. Fauzia* agrees that using the BFF was a “much better” experience than the date mode.

Things are changing and so are we. Our ways of connecting, befriending, and loving people have gone through a massive transformation over the last ten years. As Bumble BFF shifts its focus from friendship to community-building, it remains to be seen how that plays out in Pakistan and if it remains the (relatively) safe space that it currently is for friendship.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy

The writer is a freelancer based in Lahore. She is interested in cultural commentary, human rights issues and climate change.