“I was repeatedly abused by a close family member until I was 14. My family did not believe me and that ruined my relationship with my parents. I never spoke about it to anyone because I thought what if someone questioned my years of silence. While my disappointments about my abuse and how my world dealt with it are deeply personal, I knew, without doubt that the onus of my abuse was not on me. After years of contemplating, denying, and rejecting my own feelings, I was able to have a voice. It took me years, many, many years and a lot of persuasion from friends to finally speak up,” recalls Rishma, 45, (not her real name).

Cruel Numbers 2020, launched by Sahil last week indicates that eight children are reported abused per day in Pakistan. A total of 2,960 cases were reported from review of 84 newspapers. The research shows that children are most vulnerable to abuse in the age group 6 to 15 years. However, children as young as 0-5 years are also sexually abused.

The very disturbing statistics reveal that acquaintances are list involved in 1,780 cases of child abuse. These include family members, relatives, neighbours and service providers, such as teachers, tutors, drivers, shopkeepers, doctors and the police.

Children are sexually abused every day regardless of their educational and socio-economic background. While girls are more vulnerable throughout their lives, even as adults, young boys are not safe either.

Soofia, (not her real name) a mother of two, is among the parents labelled as ‘paranoid’. The actions she felt uncomfortable with during her childhood are the reason for her ‘strict guard’ of her young ones.

“Any physical interaction, which we took for granted rings an alarm for a mother who is extra cautious when someone interacts with her child. We were told to be careful and protect ourselves outside the home. But somehow our loved ones forgot to educate us that it’s not only just the strangers or outsiders we need to keep a distance with. Unfortunately, at times it’s the most trusted members in our homes, a close relative, cousin or domestic servant. Due to this confidence and dependency on them they know how to use a range of tactics to try and silence the child or ensure that even if the child complains, they’re not believed or heard,” Soofia recalls her disappointment.

When asked why the children don’t report, Zehra Kamal, a clinical psychologist, says there can be several reasons for that. “Often, abuse starts at a very young age. More often than not, children don’t know what’s happening with them when they are being sexually abused.They are impacted but unable to call it a violation.”

“Often the abusers are very friendly with children, there is a bonding between them. They make it like a game. A secret game that others may not understand,” she adds.

Children, she fears, most of the time don’t have anyone they can tell. “They are scared and at the same time feel guilty that it’s their own fault as the person is a respected family friend. The abuser exploits that dynamics.”

Children are sexually abused every day regardless of their educational and socio-economic background. While girls are more vulnerable throughout their lives, even as adults, young boys are not safe either.

According to Kamal, children aged 12 or 13, think they are involved in letting it happen to them, they will be blamed and feel responsible for maintaining it. “In case of incest it becomes more complicated to report or disclose.”

Kamal’s experience of working with survivors for more than two decades says the abusers cannot be recognised simply by their appearance. “They could be the friendliest, most loved and respected members of the child’s family, circle of acquaintances and society.”

She believes that conversation about body protection can be initiated as early as when they are two years old. “Children are pretty clear even at this age about boundaries. What private body parts are and why they are private, the difference between a good, bad and secret touch; who to tell in case someone touches them (regardless of who it is as we know that most offenders are known to the child).”

Kamal believes the importance of talking to a trusted adult if something of this sort happens and that, no matter what the situation, it can never be the child’s fault ever, even if they accept a candy, go out with the abuser, etc.

“By blaming the child for repeatedly going to the abuser, not saying no, not telling an adult, not putting a stop to it, we help make the abuser strong and the child suffer in silence,” she adds.

“We make every possible effort to collect, verify and report, however, most of the cases go undisclosed or undetected,” says Manizeh Bano, heading the organisation.

The objective of the research, she says “is not only to spread awareness about different forms of child sexual abuse but also for researchers, media and legislators to work on strategies to prevent abuse against children”.

Tasneem Ahmar, the UKS CEO, says the numbers are “just the tip of the iceberg. The cases of violence and abuse are heavily unreported/under-reported. She feels it is “high time we open our eyes” to the reality. A research, resource and publication centre, her organisation works on gender equality and women’s development.

Ahmar says, “When cases of violence and abuse start to be reported through a gender/human lens, many more families and women will come to report the cases.”

Soofia continues to educate her children about a good touch and a wrong touch. She feels that it is essential that “the child be empowered to say no and confident enough to know that his or her elders will trust them and their word rather than otherwise.”

“If your children reach out to you with uncomfortable truths about their lives – about their experiences with their sexuality, gender, abuse and love – be compassionate,” she advises parents.

The writer can be reached at humakhawar@gmail.com