Nobody asks me anything. If the provinces had asked me, I would have told them not to do the lockdown. If Big Baj had asked me, I would have told him not to bring in Al-Sheikh. If Modi Ji had asked me, I would have sent in Sania, leading a cavalry charge to save the poor. Only Faisal cares for me. He took on the forces of darkness, and the forces of lightness. He challenged those with boots and those with sandals. He pulled out a gun on Howdy Dowdy and had a knee on the neck of Aristotle, till I shouted, ‘Bland Lives Matter’.

He likes a lemon drink. I generate great lemons. They are sensational. We have a great potential for lemons. If they listened to me, we would have orchards of lemons along our coastline where tourists can come and be impressed with the lemon tree tsunami. On every branch we can hang a hundred ashrafia who have brought the curse of SOPs to this country.

We are passing through a critical juncture in hour history. Fawad is jittery. He is going through a male menopause. Big Baj is looking morose and distant. Our plan for tabdeeli was immaculate in its conception. If we can’t deliver, we will spend the rest of our lives polishing the world cup. Corona is snapping at our heals. We must have a plan.

Here is my plan:

We shall have a telethon. Maulana will cry his heart out. The overseas Pakistanis will send in a trillion dollars. Every poor man will have a cat, a chicken, a calf and a mobile phone with Ehsas App. Zarataj will go to Sweden. We shall demand that they should buy smart lockdown from us; otherwise, they will have to return our Omar Law and our herd immunity.

We must diversify our exports. We must reduce our current account deficit. In the New York expo, Brother Salman will meet business leaders and introduce the venture capital funds to the enormous potential of Sana Makki, after the runaway success of Kalvanji that he has so selflessly eaten. May Allah be pleased with him.

As we all know, the Universe began with a mighty explosion in the RTS system. This is called the Big Baj theory. Hoodbhoy does not get it. He is out of touch with modern physics. The universe is expanding. The cabinet is also expanding. The event horizon is six months. Anyone who gets too close,will be stretched like spaghetti and will fall into a black hole, never to be seen again. Just like Masood Janjua.

Mohammad Hanif also does not get it. We know he is a great writer. Sheroo has read all his books. We are in the process of re-organising the Universe. We have already spoken to Allama Iqbal and he is supportive of a presidential system.

If the provinces continue to ignore me, I will go to D Chowk and start a civil disobedience movement.

Sheroo likes my plan.

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