They are bad girls. I hold my nose as I write this. They were living in a house provided by Usman. Nicely appointed and furnished to the highest standards, with carafes of chilled Shiraz and the choicest of coke from the Kali cartel. All that one needs to break the fast which Allah SWT has enjoined upon us and celebrate the blessings of Eid which is the gift of Almighty to all those coming out of the seclusion of Itakaf.

Daddy ji is one of the biggest employers in the country of valiant warriors, and magisterial adjudicators. He usually carries them in his coat pockets, but had to build office space, as he is conscious of the value of social distancing over wagging tongues.

Usman is such a gentle soul. He can sometimes be overcome by the desire to unburden himself through tantric meditation so that he can be one with the cosmic reality. That is why these soulless girls took advantage of him when he was close to nirvana and what Hazrat Niamat Shah Wali has called fana and which the providence has chosen me to administer to these girls.

Her Majesty’s Government is blind to spiritualism. They took away a hundred and ninety million pounds off Daddy Ji, calling it proceeds of crime. Sadly, they did not have a clue that the fifty million pounds mansion in Hyde Park Place was being used for dhikr and fikr and was a beacon of light in the Cockney fog of jahiliyya.

It was actually the father of the reformed nation, Gen Mustache U Haq, RA who had the vision and the drive to implement the discipline which must go with spiritual enlightenment. This means that insolent bottoms must be flogged, violent offenders should hang in public and blind victims of rape should give birth in prison. Whereas, the male suspects should be told in strongest possible terms that they are not allowed to beat women, except with a twig or with an embroidered handkerchief; or attack them, except with broken glass, within the confines of law.

Bunny Gala is a national treasure. It can never be demolished. It can only be regularised. Empress Market is an encroachment and a blot on our conscience. It should be bulldozed and the residents should be told to go and sit in Itkaaf to beg forgiveness for their misdeeds and their existence. They should then go and build Bhasha Dam so that fountains can play in Bahria Town. Arabian Sea is complete waste just like Hassan Khan Niazi. It should be drained forthwith and Phase 9 should be built to honour the Quaid who found us a land we call home. There, we can have second homes to beat up those who transgress and implement tabdeeli which is already here.

I must ask your leave to go now. The captain has put the seatbelts sign on. We are about to land in the emerald island of Britannia, to spread the message of peace and marital fidelity.

NB: Hazrat Niamat Shah Wali says, always sacrifice a goat before you board a plane.

Mrs AU Malik

Ms PR Malik

Ms AR Malik

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