The summer is torrid. We introduce our outstanding selection of lawns which provide soothing colours, innovative designs, cool comfort and advanced paranoia. Once you have worn our fabrics, and had your siesta, you will come out relaxed and inspired to start a nuclear war which was predicted by Hazrat Niamat Shah Wali.

We shall set off inshallah, after eating Sehri from Khurasan, maintaining social distance, with our rucksacks carrying 6 kalvanji seeds, 12 Ajwa dates, 20 SOPs and 30 fatwas which will decimate the RSS, cause Modi to keel over, the Punjab Police to release my husband and Halime Sultan to adopt purdah.

My children,

You are lucky to be living in this era. You will be the first ones to benefit from our exclusive range of embroidered chiffon and lawn collections, embedded with Swarovski’s crystals. Once you are properly dressed, and have seen all the episodes of Ertughral, you will be ready to liberate Kashmir. Please note our matchless range is shipped via courier, across the globe, in 5-7 days, max. A complimentary copy of the memoirs of Syed Sad Hamid is included. Payment is in dollars only. All major credit cards are accepted, except those denominated in shekels and those issued by Zionists, Indians, Fascists and Noonis.

By sunset, our vanguard will have reached Wagha, where we shall watch the flag lowering ceremony, break our fast and retire for the night for the Ghazwa to start the following morning, if weather permits. Our Youth Regiment will launch sustained, blistering invective across the border via live Twitter feed. This will mow down the Noonis and will create chaos among the ranks of those who practice shirk, refuse to accept the Two Nation Theory and question the quality of our lawns.

Brother Ali A will be bringing up the rear, singing our theme song on which we have adapted from the PSL. He is a great patriot who cannot tell one musical note from another, but can spot a mushrik faster than a Predator drone.

As you know, there is a conspiracy afoot to foil the Ghazwa and to arrest Kamran Akmal. Bill Gates is personally involved. He has phoned the PM and asked him to spend more quality time with his buffalo calves. We should stand united as a beef eating nation and send him a loud and clear message that we shall not compromise our most famous brand which has been carefully nurtured, by the most sensitive of agencies who are our corporate partners.

The interlude in Saudi Arabia is firmly behind us. It was an honest mistake which was corrected after administration of 10,000 lashes on the pious behind of Syed Sahib. In turn, he agreed that the only solution to the Yemen problem was regulated caloric intake, which some sources have mischievously described as famine, and a conversation with Brother Khashoqji, which some sources have mischievously described as dismemberment. In the end, Brother MBS kissed and made up, to concentrate on saturation bombing of San’a and expressed his best wishes for our Initial Public Offering.

Maria C

On Behalf of

Syed Sad H, CEO

Ghazwa Inc.