Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

Tarzan and his friend Cheetah will return after Eid to crush the brutes among apes who have made the jungle a living hell. Tarzan knows that in his absence, the Mangani have been harassed by Kerchak who has been eating sugar and lying to mama. His mouth will be prized open with a non-bailable FIR and his fangs pulled out one by one. He won’t be able to go to Kala and disturb her peace. Her peace will be preserved at all costs. Not even beasts from coastal mangroves are allowed to approach her with their daily whines and rouse her from her blissful slumber. She is mother of the unbeatable warrior, the matchless hunter, the lord of the jungle, Tarzan of the Apes.

The world order will change, as will the batting order. Tarzan will play from both sides of the wicket. As we know, he is a scion of the titled nobility of England. The progeny of John Clayton, the Earl of Greystoke. He has won many titles on the ground and even more, off the ground. He will pursue all those who eat sugar and garrotte them with his rosary. Tears will roll down his sculpted cheeks, as he thinks of his troupe who were at mercy of the molesters, thieves, imposters and ashrafia when he was fighting with the World Bank for their patch in the forest.

Jane will be writing from Baltimore. She is doing her moral duty for the sake of the Mangani. She is fighting the big bad Kerchak who, with infinite menace has his beady, bloodshot, malevolent eyes fixed on tabdeeli. She covers herself in snow-white PPE, custom made by Dior, to standards stipulated by the NDMA and Farhat Hashmi. She will capture supernatural beings with halal meat and make kings out of goatherds. She will slay the beast and save the whole tribe, nay the whole anthropoid species.

The tribe should take heart. Kerchak can run but he cannot hide. The blood of the fallen shall be avenged. The curve will be flattened. We shall not be afraid. We shall overcome. Once we have killed Kerchak, we shall deal with PTM whose time is up, arrest Raja Dahir who has committed incest and send an expedition to capture Hamid Mir who is serving Dajjal.

Bill Gates will be given enough rope to hang himself. A lethal press conference will take place. An army of egg laying chickens and lovingly reared calves will attack him with blow pipes. His vaccines and his nano chips promote shirk and induce women to dance when the tropical moon is out. This is a mortal threat to the narrative. Forty per cent of the tribe will be pushed below the narrative line, unless we stop this practice.

Not only the Margalla Forest, but the whole West African coast is buzzing with excitement. All the big apes and big cats are joining our biometric database with a unique bar code.

There was a white bloke in Niger

Who had a Force, called Tiger

They came back from the ride

With the bloke, inside

And a smile on the face of the Tiger

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