All rise.

The shadow of God on earth, the ornament of the throne of Hindoostan, the crown bearer of the empire, the heir to the majesty of the House of Timur, the elected of the masses, the selected of the angels, the most honest among men, the most pious among jinns, will now address the nation.

“Dear Jewels of the Court, Noblemen, Commanders, Camp Followers and Electables, we swear by the glory of the Mughal dynasty and the grandeur of the lineage of Timur, the apple of our eye, the heir to the throne, Noor ud Din Mohammad Jahangir Tarin will henceforth be divested of his throne and his crown.

“Dear Subjects,

“You will remember that ourselves, along with Rani Ajodha Bibi, had gone barefoot to the shrine of Hazrat Sheikh Saleem Chishti and fasted at Gate Number 1. At long last, our prayers were heard and Sheikh Pasha emerged with the glad tidings that Allah had blessed us with an ATM. There were celebrations from Suba Bengal to Suba Kabul which is strategically deep. The restive Suba of Multan fell to the army of the faithful and we made inroads into the savage marches of Sind.

“We thanked the Almighty and we were hopeful that the depredations of the lawless into the treasury of Lahore will cease and the tumult in the satrapy of Gujrat would be pacified.

“We are sad to announce that the crown prince has fallen prey to the allure of a lowly courtesan, called Cane Sugar. Our beloved Sheikhu is so enamoured of this trollop that he is not averse to insolence and disobedience. He is willing to take the law into his own hands. He has railed against our trusted functionary and principal secretary, Bairam Khan, and is insisting that we send him for Hajj, although this is no season for Hajj.

“Residents of the realm,

“Although we dearly love our only begotten ATM, we have to uphold the rule of law and maintain order in the length and breadth of our kingdom. On this day, nobody should call upon the leniency of our heart and the kindness of our spirit. We shall not let anyone besmirch the name of the House of Timur and stain the honour of the Crown, even if he be our own flesh and blood. Our duty to the people of Hindoostan demands no less. We owe it to the memory of Sheikh Pasha. May Allah be pleased with him.

“Till the Crown Prince gives up this infatuation, he will be incarcerated in the Fort of Gwalior. He will have to ask Sheikh Abul Fazl and Sheikh Wajid Zia to vouch for his future conduct. He will not be allowed sugar, opium or wine. He will have to subsist on six seeds of kalvanji with Nestle water. Only then his trespasses shall be forgiven and his subsidy written off.”

Issued in the name of the Emperor,

With the seal of Khan Azam Khan

Khan e Khanan

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