There came unto the populace of Puristan, a Saviour. He could see through the skin of the seventy second virgin in the ration queue. Thereupon, he called her on WhatsApp, as the number was already available to the state institutions. Verily, he was on the same page and in the middle of the national mainstream and subscribed to the national narrative by the grace of Lord God, Almighty.

He spake thus:

“Child, I know that you have lived in sin. Who hasn’t? The footage of your merry making has been made available, via 5G broadband to our Father who is in heaven. The footage is not to be confused with a video, unless you want to wallow in sin and stay on the ECL. The Saviour has forensically analysed your discarding of raiment. Regrettably, he is not happy with the doffing sequence, thereof. This can lead to the spread of ailment, sin and subsidy through the land and cause widespread wailing and gnashing of teeth. I pray thee O Heartthrob, please phone me betimes on Facetime Video and we can plan an expeditious elevation of skills.

“O Blessed One, it was said by those who were high on sugar and on ice, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I say unto thee, whosoever shall spank thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

“The Saviour will offer you his immaculate shoulder to cry on, whilst all the crocodiles of Manghoo Pir join the masses for catharsis and casting out of naughty spirits and of lethal viruses. They shall pray for all the glamorous sinners, whether residing in the Bahria Town, Juhu or Beverly Hills. Once these errant souls have been saved, the Lord’s prayer will be proclaimed for all those homeless people who will have gone to meet the Creator and the Saviour will offer his Land Rover to take them to the Shahr e Khamoshan. That is the will of our Lord in Heaven, hallowed be his name.”

And thus he spake and thence he paused for siesta and a jacuzzi. The masses rejoiced and were exceeding glad.

And when the multitudes were come, they asked him: “O master, is it the will of God that we pay tribute, as the coinage is debased and the legal tender is worthless?” The Saviour saith unto them: “Render unto the FBR what is due to FBR and to the NAB what is due to NAB and launder the rest with diligence by giving it to Malik Riaz. Support the poor, by giving them alms, and the files, by giving them wheels. Verily the Lord who is in heaven, wants you to succeed in Lollywood and be famous in Bollywood before you triumph in the court that awaits you on the Day of Resurrection.

“Your Lord has decreed that Veena Malik will rock the cradle, the Field Marshal will rule the world, Aamir Khan will make movies; the PM will make pleasing noises.

“The deep shall inherit the earth”.

Follow @hakimhazik on Twitter