I have often wondered about how when someone is sick and hospitalised, the whole family, and the community, rush to see that person. I started getting irked by it when my aunt passed away. She had interstitial lung infection and was supposed to be kept in isolation for our safety as much as hers. But everyone in the family had to see her, which eventually became more about seeing her off. It was in those moments that I realised how, when a person is dying, we try our best to assuage our ego, and the guilt that might come from not having loved when we lived.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the love. We need love just like we need air; I will always believe in that, especially in times like these. But what happens in a time of crisis as we are in right now? How do we love now? COVID-19 is scary. And it is bringing out our worst as well as best instincts. When these come together, it becomes more of a fear-driven love than love for the sake of love.

There is nothing wrong about wanting to be with your loved ones in a time that we are going through right now, but we have to re-evaluate our relationship with our loved ones right this instant.

As the disease spreads far and wide, we need to educate ourselves on not just the scientific aspects of the impact but also how we shall deal with this emotionally. As a person who hugs and shakes hands with everyone he meets, I feel personally attacked by my inability to show I care but as a healthcare professional, I understand that now is not the time to care.

I am constantly exposed to patients in my work environment, and I often forget I am exposing myself to others as well. I might just become the medium through which things can go wrong. So, I hold myself back. I don’t hug. I don’t shake hands. In short, I don’t love. It is my birthday and I don’t go out for fear of exposing the world to me, as I stay in my room with my heater on (heated environments are good for prevention, they say) and cry in my bed. Alone.

I am learning to love differently, and learning to be okay with it.

It is easy to lose focus of what’s important when everyone around us is telling us how to be safe. But are we really safe if we don’t feel loved? Who would want themselves, or their families, to pose a risk to everyone they come into contact with? Is it really selfish of us to want to be with our loved ones, even if it wipes out the whole country? It is the same situation as my aunt’s death. I don’t want to be the bad guy who keeps the family from going into her room, or force even the doctor to sanitise his hands before checking her, but this is what love is. It is sometimes supposed to offend others. It is sometimes supposed to offend even ourselves.

We must learn to love selflessly, in a selfish manner, so to say. We keep clear of love, for the sake of love. We love from afar. I will go home from work and lock myself in my heated room and not go for the hug of my aging mother, but I do it anyway. I will not ask my friends abroad to come back home. I will not celebrate my birthday with a birthday cake, and blow the candles lit on top of it, and wonder if I am growing up or growing in. I will isolate myself from love, just so I can love better.

It will be tough to re-evaluate our understanding of fear and love as the deadly virus spreads, and I am hoping that as we grow to understand the mechanism of the virus, we will also re-evaluate our growth as lovers in this world. It will be a tough fight, but I am hoping that we will keep ourselves safe, knowing that if things do go wrong, we loved as best as we could.