Agreement for Bringing Peace to Afghanistan

Between

The Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan which is not recognized by the United States as a state and is known as the Taliban

And

The United States of America which is not recognized by the Taliban as a state and is known as the Great Turtle Island.

On

February 29, 2020 which corresponds to Rajab 5, 1441 on the Hijri Lunar calendar and Hoot 10, 1398 on the Hijri Solar calendar

The Taliban will not give any facilities to those holding extreme ideologies or those who are the enemies of the United States, especially Bernie Sanders. We expect them not to help certain dangerous groups in infiltrating, entering, residing or working in the US, including Al Qaeda, Mexicans, Huawei and Muslims.

The US will withdraw its forces over a period of fourteen months. This will allow the Taliban to start an intra Afghan dialogue, with a view to enforcing the rule of virtue over vice including Panjsher in two months and Mazar e Sharif in three. Inshallah, those men who do not grow a beard will be liquidated, as will be those who watch movies and play cricket.

The intra Afghan dialogue will be conducted on Toyota Hi-Ace vans, washed with Zam Zam water and mounted with light machine guns and Katyusha rockets. This apparatus was graciously provided by the Shaheed Shaikh OBL in his desire to promote peace and harmony in the world and in the spirit of an interfaith dialogue. May his watery grave be lit up for ever by fluorescent fish.

Soon after, the rule of the Noble Sharia and the Order of the Caliphate will be enforced in the whole of Afghanistan, followed by Pakistan, so help us God.

Speaking at the White House, Donald J Duck, the president of the Great Turtle Island, (known as the USA), has said, that his forces have killed terrorists ‘by the thousands’ and it was time for someone else to do that work and perhaps it will be the Taliban, or it could be the surrounding countries.

Responding to this statement, the Emir of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, Brother Brother has said, ‘You bet’.

The Office of the Implementation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice has added:

For the past twenty years Afghanistan has seen much infamy perpetrated by the infidels, Zionists and apostates. We bring glad tidings from Doha that the era of oppression is now at an end. Deviants, heretics and musicians will now be pursued relentlessly across the Emirate and brought to justice in an educational and non-vengeful spirit.

We have placed an order for a consignment of bone saws, to perform hygienic amputations, with Messrs Khashoqji Inc and are erecting scaffolding across the length and breadth of the country to administer justice, with the help of Messrs Tara Masih Inc.

The Great Turtle Island has reassured us that they will seek co-operation with the Caliphate established after the Hi-Ace dialogue and provide resources, for the construction of scaffoldings and reconstruction of the country. May Allah be beneficent to us all.

Signed by:

Brother Abdul Ghani Brother

Emir al-Mu’mineen

Quetta Shura (Non-existent)

Saryab Road, Quetta

Brother Zalmay Khlalilzad,

Special Envoy,

The State Department

Foggy Heads and Bottoms,

Washington DC

Witnessed by:

Brother F Hamid,

The Most Sensitive International Agency

Aabpara

Islamabad

Brother Michael J Pompeo,

Cloud Cuckoo Land

And: