Fantasy Island☆

Staring: Michael Pena, Maggie Q, Lucy Hale, Austin Stowell, Jimmy O. Yang, Portia Doubleday, Ryan Hansen, and Michael Rooker

Directed by Jeff Wadlow

Tagline: The Island knows your secrets.

Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island is a testament to the fact that not all old franchises warrant revivals. This horror reimagining of the seventies television series of the same name lacks not just scares and thrills but even basic logic.

The proceedings commence as a group of contest winners arrive at a supposedly magical resort where “anything and everything is possible”. The island, run by mysterious host Mr. Roarke (Michael Pena), will apparently fulfill each guest’s deepest fantasy.

The troubled Melanie (Lucy Hale) wants revenge on a childhood bully (Portia Doubleday); businesswoman Gwen (Maggie Q) wants a do-over so that she can accept a marriage proposal she rejected many years ago; policeman Patrick (Austin Stowell) wants to enlist in the army in honour of his late father while step-brothers J. D. (Ryan Hansen) and Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) want to “have it all”.

The guests are led to their respective scenarios; the experience of each is tailored specifically to their desires. But their dream vacation soon turns into a nightmare. Stuck in an increasingly dangerous situation and obligated to see their fantasies through to their conclusion, the group must figure out what is going on and find a way to escape.

For a project that’s meant to offer a horror adventure, Fantasy Island is neither spooky, nor scary or even remotely thrilling. The film might generate mild curiosity but holds no actual tension or suspense.

Fantasy Island mostly just finds itself struggling with preposterous and convoluted set-ups before ultimately arriving at its nonsensical conclusion. There is an unexpected albeit lazy plot twist (made up of elements that horror movie buffs will find familiar) in the third act; if you don’t see it coming, it won’t be because the twist is shocking or brilliant but because it’s just plain ridiculous.

The characters are grating, the acting is poor. This is the kind of project that would make sense if it landed on a streaming service or had a straight-to-DVD release, not something that deserves a big screen outing.

Its basic premise is mildly interesting, and the concept does hold some potential, but to actually make the most of that potential, the film would have had to either embrace its inherent darkness or have some fun with its preposterousness. Fantasy Island does neither, and is, as a result, a non-entertaining, non-satisfying horror experience.

The Last Thing He Wanted

(0 out of 5 stars)

Staring: Anne Hathaway, Ben Affleck, Rosie Perez, Edi Gathegi, Mel Rodriguez, Toby Jones, and Willem Dafoe

Directed by Dee Rees

It isn’t often that not even a single aspect of a film merits praise. Even cinematic projects that go awry usually have some positive elements that deserve a mention. Yet Dee Rees has somehow managed to make a movie so abysmal that it’s hard to find anything good to say about it.

The Last Thing He Wanted is a political thriller so incoherent, disjointed, convoluted, and boring that its very existence proves to be perplexing.

At the centre of its tale is dedicated, heroic journalist, Elena (Anne Hathaway, not at her finest), who wants to uncover the truth about U.S. government-sponsored violence in Nicaragua and the smuggling of weapons to a troubled region. But she is instead assigned the more insipid task of covering the 1984 election. When her estranged, sick father (Willem Dafoe) asks for her help in one of his ill-conceived moneymaking schemes, Elena finds herself in the middle of the very story she hoped to break.

Things go from bad to worse. A shady government official played by (a visibly bored) Ben Affleck enters the story; he then just disappears from it for long stretches before entering it again.

Meanwhile, Elena, tries to find the truth with the help of fellow journalist Alma (Rosie Perez) while either being aided or pursued by her contact Jones (Edi Gathegi) all the while trying to placate her daughter who is unhappily stuck at a boarding school … working as a maid at a resort owned by an expat portrayed by Toby Jones.

There are too many arcs, but not much convincing drama. Any of its many threads – brave journalism, weapons smuggling, a frayed father-daughter or mother-daughter relationship – could have made a compelling narrative. But here, none of them do.

The film seems to want to offer something deep, moving, and meaningful but instead ends up being shallow and dull. None of the puzzle pieces fall together with any elegance. Its choppy editing makes the narrative go randomly from scene to scene without bothering with things like flow and relevance. The atrocious screenplay includes lines like “You wanna see a monkey drive? Buckle up. Follow the bananas” and is over-reliant on grating voiceovers.

What you are ultimately left with is a subpar movie that takes itself too seriously and gives you no reason to care about its events or characters. It has no redeeming qualities, and is just a waste of two hours of the viewers’ time.

Rating system: ☆Not on your life ☆ ½ If you really must waste your time ☆☆ Hardly worth the bother ☆☆ ½ Okay for a slow afternoon only ☆☆☆Good enough for a look see ☆☆☆ ½ Recommended viewing ☆☆☆☆ Don’t miss it ☆☆☆☆ ½ Almost perfect ☆☆☆☆☆ Perfection