Our people eat more in the winter months. This winter has been particularly harsh. The common people were forced to stay indoors and cook chapatis to defend the ideological basis of Pakistan. This was a perfect strategy to preserve the species, to protect the national institutions such as Tik Tok and to fulfil our international obligations to the Quetta Shura which does not exist.

It is no mean achievement to have brought the non-existent Shura to the dialogue table. It requires clarity of vision and a sense of purpose which the Prime Minister possesses and which can only come if one has spent a childhood on a farm mingling with calves and chickens and an adulthood standing firm against international subpoenas. The dialogue process is on track. Very soon, inshallah, we shall have peace in Afghanistan, dollars in the State Bank, trainees in Fort Leavenworth, F16 in Sargodha and Tik Tok celebrities in the Red Haveli.

Rana Sahib, Lord be Praised, grew up in a gutter. He has blood on his hands and FIRs in his record. Whereas, the Prime Minister’s household grew up in a monastery. They always kept their noses clean and their marriage certificates up-to-date. They have taken strict measures, including black lentils and meat offerings to ward off the evil spirits and the Corona Virus.

Maryam, on the other hand, presents a clear and present danger to the integrity, solidarity and morality of the nation. It is imperative, that we flood her rallies, pull the TV cable and keep her off Twitter. If she is not kept under check by our social media diligence, she can play havoc with the maturity of our platelets and of our bond markets. We shall not allow her to play any dangerous games with our positive statistics, our freedom to marry and to have children registered with NADRA, triangulated with the FBR, to avoid benefits fraud.

The helm of Punjab requires a solid resolve and a stolid mind. We have an ideal combination in the shape of the Shepherd who is not going anywhere in a hurry. It is imperative to keep the door closed and not to allow the horses to bolt. In fact, it is well known that the sheep can also bolt. It would be wise counsel to take them to the altar for a periodic slaughter. Statecraft is a science and an art. It requires constant vigilance and an occasional abduction. On most occasions, shaving off half the moustache is enough to protect the whole nation.

The nation has a right to look forward to many years of prosperity, happiness and plentiful progeny which will populate the earth and join the 111 Brigade. They will protect us from the malign influences of the bourgeois democracy and the blood thirsty, candle mafiosi, liberal fascists who have venom in their hearts and carnal desire on their minds.

Yours truly,

Sheikh Chilly con Carne sans Lentils.

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