A foppish actor and a friend met me when he was not being cast in tv plays. "My dear why don’t we see you on tv anymore?" I asked. "Well, no one is casting me, and I don’t know what to do," he said. "I think you should meet Mr. Q, the drama producer. Hedefinitely cast you."

"Really, but why?"

"Because he’s very good at MISCASTING," I replied.

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One of the many charge-sheets issued to me during the martial law contained the following charge: "You have been telling the PTV employees that no one’s job is secure, therefore, we all should pray for our jobs."

My explanation:

"Praying is no offence, we all pray five times a day, we pray on Eid and we pray when someone dies. Instead of charging me for praying, you should be grateful to me as I also prayed for your job."

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An excerpt from Chief Martial Law Administrator (CMLA) General Zia’s first address to media persons: "I know some of you read Marx and Lenin. There is no harm in reading them as I also read Roosevelt and Churchill. But let me warn you, if I see any reflection of their ideas on PTV, I will hang you upside down. We must only believe in our own religion Islam," he said.

"Sir," I said in the question hour, "We must project Islam as a progressive and modern religion and reform its primitive forms, such as hand amputation and lashing in public."

"Don’t you ever talk about Islam. Even if a finger is raised criticising Islam, I will chop it off," commanded a visibly offended General. "Why don’t you criticise me if I have five noses and six ears?" he said with a smirk.

"Well, that’s very encouraging Sir," I said. (meaning he had five noses and six ears).

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An excerpt from the first address to the media persons by CMLA, General Zia, in the GHQ private theatre after the takeover: "I have freed the media. You are at liberty to say anything. But let me tell you that you were a bird put in a cage for a very long time. Now, I have opened the lid but the bird does not come out. Has it forgotten to fly?" His face became a big question mark. "Sir," I stood up from my seat and said, "perhaps the bird knows who has the gun!"

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President Gen. Zia, visiting PTV station in Rawalpindi decided to walk to the nearby mosque to say his afternoon prayers. Senior PTV officials followed him dutifully in their achkans and newly fouji-cut hair style. Once the General got inside, the main gate of the mosque was closed by the security guards. One of the officers arrived late. Poor man, finding the gate closed, grabbed a sheet of cloth and started praying right in front of the bolted gate. When the General came out, he was very impressed by the resilience of the officer who kept on praying with his eyes closed. The General admired the unflinching loyalty of the officer and ordered for his promotion to the next grade. No doubt, his prayers were answered.

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When a producer was asked to improve the audio quality of his programme, his response was, "Sir, we work for the screen and audio doesn’t show on screen."

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Major General Abdul Rehman, the first Information Chief after the takeover by Gen. Zia, visited PTV Lahore at 8am. Considering PTV an island of luxury in a sea of miseries, he expected to be greeted by the glamorous female stars. To his wrath, he was greeted by sweepers as they were the only staff present on the tv premises at 8am.

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A drama producer, among other things, in his props list requistioned "a slow motion horse"

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A music producer in his recording was upset about the balancing of music. He suddenly realised the reason of overlapping. Leaving the panel, he rushed to the studio and pulled away one of the twin tablas from the tabla-player saying, "This is the problem. The idiot is playing two tablas."

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One of our producers was assigned to arrange an All Pakistan mushaira. His report in the GM meeting was, "Sir, almost all the poets are confirmed, except Nazir Akbarabadi, I don’t seem to get his contact."

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To celebrate the 50th anniversary of Independence, PTV, in 1997, planned to collaborate with Muslim countries to make films. I went to Egypt with the concept of a film and met Omar Sharif. To my joy, he liked the concept and agreed to perform in the film. When I came back to Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto’s government fell and the new management asked me to explain why I went to Egypt when I could see Umar Sharif (stage actor) in Karachi.