I would choose Lahore Zoo over San Diego Zoo anytime, M.M. Alam over Rodeo Drive, Murree over Yosemite -- not because they are better but because they remind me of what I am, who I am.

Now let’s do that again. Lahore Zoo is more fun because it is way smaller, saving the ultra-lethargic Lahoris unnecessary walking -- plus there are no rules for humans or animals (people have lost their infants to bears, yes, in a zoo!). M. M. Alam because, once there, we think we are at the coolest place in Lahore, saving the trouble to see the actual city. And in Murree, if I was a man I could initiate the open-to-all toilet idea, anytime anywhere take-a-leak zone.

Half-way through Fall, I’m already nostalgic about a wonderful summer gone by so soon. The highlights were shopping malls and theme parks. Although some might argue that as the worst idea of a summer well-spent.

California, apart from a welcoming weather and beautiful beaches, is host to some of the most crowded theme parks attracting tourists from all over the US -- Legoland, Sea World, Universal City, Six Flags and of course, Disneyland -- are some of the bigger names.

Thesis: Not everyone is a theme park person. Unless you enjoy 10 to 12 hours of walking, overpriced food, a 50-minute wait time at rides.

Despite the lows, no one complains. Since we are generally prone to complaining as a pasttime, the day will be full of complaints about the heat, the wait, the small masjid, the people and just about everything.

But I’m not writing about theme parks in California, this is about theme parks in Pakistan. The ones we don’t have. The ones we wish we had. Wishing doesn’t kill right?

Anyone thinking of investing in such a venture should make a mental picture of what it would be like.

So, if there was ever such a park in Pakistan, like the country, it would be grasping and heaving for a breath of survival every day. If nothing, a decree, say a judgment or even an ordinance, especially to ban such a park, would be in order, for compromising our values so heavily based on lack of recreation. Ramzan would definitely be a no-park month and the whole month the park would look like a deserted playground from some Grudge sequel. And during Muharram. And Independence Day or Quaid-e-Azam Day, or any day that calls for sleeping and cussing politicians. No park on that day. That’s almost one third of a year. Not too good for business.

Half the people would shudder at the entry ticket price per day. They can’t afford it so that’s that. This is the same class who thinks Rs400 movie ticket is too pricey. Who cares anyway.

The other half would still take their children to show how important it is to make sacrifices for one’s children.

One-third of this half would go every month because they can afford it. The minority even in that one-third would hurl abuses at anyone who demands a ticket from them. His chacha is a general, if he has to buy an entry into a theme park in Pakistan, the downfall of this park and this country is imminent. Eventually this minority will be issued special passes permitting them discounts and no-wait access to all rides. The motherland is saved. We can all go to the park now.

That’s the most familiar part of our theme parks -- it has a VIP entrance at every ride. Not that people pay extra for privilege but for the general good of public and long-term survival of the park, this lane is pertinent. While most of the people are standing on this side waiting for an hour, I can imagine the VIP bacha coming, hopping the ride and having a time of his life. The rest of them cursing this son of a BMW.

Think of a Sea World in Karachi. As the name says it, it’s a zoo of aquatic animals. The sign clearly says ‘No feeding’ and you see the arena full of crisps, popcorns and ice cream cones.

Result: the animal dies of lethal consumption of toxic material.

The penguins are literally hibernating in their enclosure and Mr MNA’s only grandson wants to adopt one right now. He pulls some strings and overnight one of the baby penguins vanishes. How many MNAs are there again? The day the project is initiated, ominous parchis will start floating in the air adjusted with the price and size of the animals. Killer whale takes the lead here.

The basic pre-requisite of a theme park is area. Parks need hundreds of acres of land to accommodate thousands of people everyday. And in the land of the pure, land is the biggest dispute. It can either be in cantonment or it can’t be. If Walt Disney lived in Pakistan there would be a Disney Housing Society in every major city not Disneyland. The investors of such parks should be given lectures in the country’s history lest they start believing, once the land is bought half the work is done. Here, what done can be certainly undone in no time.