In a world where everyone is rushing to ‘feel secure,’ we often forget that relationships are just as much about getting to know yourself as they are about knowing someone else.

It’s like when you take your favorite chai recipe and tweak it over the years. You think it’s perfect, but then you add a pinch of elaichi or a squeeze of lemon, and bam, it’s even better. Relationships work the same way; they evolve as you do.

In psychology, attachment styles are essentially about how we relate to others based on our experiences growing up. Imagine each style as a different type of chai: Secure Attachment is your classic Doodh Patti. It’s balanced, reliable and gives you the same feeling every time. People with a secure attachment trust others easily, set healthy boundaries and embrace intimacy without fear. Anxious Attachment is like strong Peshawari Kehwa with a caffeine kick — it keeps you on the edge. This style often means a fear of abandonment, a need for reassurance, and difficulty letting go. Avoidant Attachment is like a plain, unsweetened tea — low on sweetness, high on caution. People here often crave independence and have a hard time opening up. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment is your unpredictable Karrak Chai. Sometimes too sweet, sometimes too strong, with a little too much masala. People with this style might crave connection but also be scared of it.

Understanding your style is like learning what works best for your unique recipe in life. It’s a reminder that you are allowed to experiment with your connections to make them truly yours.

Here’s the thing: how we care for ourselves can help us move towards a more comfortable attachment style. Acknowledging your needs without guilt, setting boundaries and taking time to reflect on what genuinely makes you happy are all actions like adjusting the flame so your paratha cooks just right.

So be curious, about yourself and in relationships in general. Curiosity in relationships is like a sprinkle of chaat masala — it keeps things interesting, adding flavour and sparking intrigue. Rather than assuming how things should be, curiosity invites you to explore with an open heart.

In relationships, this might look like asking someone how they’re really feeling rather than assuming it. With yourself, curiosity might look like exploring why you feel certain emotions without judgment. So if you’re feeling anxious after not hearing from someone, instead of spiralling, just ask: “What is this feeling trying to teach me?”

Imagine hosting a gathering with all three: Attachment (how you connect), Self-Care (how you nourish) and Curiosity (how you explore). For a fulfilling relationship, you need a bit of all these. When we lean too much on attachment, we risk losing our individuality. But if we focus only on self-care, we might forget to genuinely connect with others. And too much curiosity can sometimes leave us restless. It’s like making a pot of tea — you need just the right balance of ingredients, brewed slowly, to create harmony.

In Pakistan, it’s common to ask elders for advice on relationships. They often say, “Dil ki baat suno.” Listen to your heart, but don’t be ruled by it. To bring this wisdom to our modern life, we should try a gentle evening ritual: pour ourselves a cup of chai, sit somewhere peaceful, and ask oneself, “Who am I in my relationships? Do I give myself the love I seek from others?” “What’s one small act of care I can gift myself today?” “What if I approached my emotions with wonder instead of worry?”

Being in my 30s, all of this is intriguing to me. Just when you think you’ve figured out life for you, it throws another mystery at you. And this kind is my favourite, because it’s all about me.

Shaafay Zia is an ex-serviceman and a freelancer. He can be reached at shaafayzia@gmail.com