Let’s think about it for a second. People are always looking for the next target to point fingers at, to pin some sort of blame on and attach a list of bad adjectives to. This behaviour reflects their own internal world — how unhappy and hung-up they are in their lives.

Look at it this way: why did your older sibling’s criticism of you bother you so much? Was it the criticism, or your reaction to it? Or, was it your own fears and anxieties?

Tearing down another human being serves two purposes: it gives us the ‘outlet’ we’ve been looking for; and it makes us feel ‘better’ about ourselves. The subtext for “he’s an awful person” is “I’m awesome,” isn’t it?

Generally speaking, humans feel discouraged to express what the society deems as ‘negative’ emotions and opinions. Your frustrations towards your family, for example, are often left unexpressed. So you find other, indirect ways of expressing the same things. This is of course not to say that negative emotions and opinions ought to be expressed — because it’s not the existence of such feelings that matters, but why we embody them and how we see them. Most people don’t reflect on their extreme views about something; they just go on autopilot without deep thought.

The thing to remember here is that it’s not only them who are doing it; it’s you as well. Yes, you, the person that’s afraid of rejection. You’re afraid of rejection because it will overthrow you from the self-imposed moral high ground you’ve placed yourself on. Your title, The Excellent Human, will be snatched from you, and then you’ll be the one on a lower ground looking upwards at those on higher ground.

When you view your own judgment as irrational, it helps to see other people’s potential judgment of you as irrational too. It helps create a healthy emotional distance from the overwhelming threat of someone else’s criticisms of you. And yes, that includes your loved ones.

Trust me, thinking twice before passing judgments on other people helps see things from a less rigid angle. (Caution: very often it seems pointless, and more like self-inflicted emotional injury.) When you hold yourself back on that front, you begin to feel a bit freer from the pressures of code of conduct pinned to the wall of your mind. You’re not walking down the street putting yourself and other human beings on an ever-changing, unimportant rankings list.

More importantly, when you view your own judgment as irrational, it helps you see other people’s potential judgment of you as irrational too. It helps create a healthy emotional distance from the overwhelming threat of someone else’s criticisms of you. And yes, that includes your loved ones.

If you ask me what kind of rule book I’ve to live my life by, I don’t think I have an answer to that. Does it feel destabilising? No. Does it feel confusing, not having a rulebook to live by? No. Does it feel sort of calming? Yes.

Counter-intuitively, not having a rigid rulebook allows me to live my life more flexibly, and see things contextually. In fact, it helps me live more closely to whatever semblance of values I have. Because I don’t see my values as a titanium cage I have to live in, I see life as an ever-flowing calm sea I can ride the waves of to my pleasure.

Momin Masood is a freelance content writer