1) The answer that once
separated the boyz from the menz, the classicists from the modernists, the Karachiites from the Lahoris: Atif or Jal?

a) Atif, obviously, everyone else is a pale imitation

b) Jal, they were the ones
with the tunes

c) Neither, EP all the way

d) I don’t know man, I was only into the underground scene. Ask me about Ganda Banda and Aatish Raj

2) Alia Bhatt is the –––––– of our times:

a) Kareena Kapoor

b) Karisma Kapoor

c) Smita Patel

d) Meryl Streep

3) The only person in the public eye atm who’s worth listening to is obviously:

a) Biraadar-e-Mohtaram Andrew Tate

b) Salman Khan

c) Karan Johar

d) I don’t know. Siri?

4) My favorite scary show to watch these days is:

a) American Horror Story

b) Zee Horror Show

c) The 9 o'clock news show

d) Stranger Things

Answers

1. a) You like classic, mainstream sounds and looks, and are probably a lawyer, human rights activist, or failed artist now

b) Brah, 2003/2013/2023 guzar gaya, let it go. It’s never gonna happen for you

c) You thought you’d be the biggest rockstar in your youth, but you realize that the day job you picked up is now your entire life

d) You’re too pretentious to bother with. Go away.

2. a) KJo, is that you?

b) Alia’s mom, is that you?

c) Mahesh Bhatt, she really dgaf, ok?

d) Are you an unhinged, slightly violent, ignored middle-child type, aka Rahul Bhatt, we know it’s you?

3. a) We all know that one guy on Facebook who loves Andrew Tatertot. Unfriend them posthaste.

b) Mujh pe eik ehsaan karna…my friend, may this Valentine’s Day bring you all the love and happiness in the world

c) Are you one of those people who think Alia Bhatt is Meryl Streep? May we suggest a Valentine rendezvous with Rahul Bhatt?

d) Make that the two of us, friend. Let’s throw on some Tears For Fears and think about where the world went wrong

4. a) Oh, you must watch The Fall Of The House Of Usher

b) There is a definite career as a Tik Toker waiting for you

c) Arey Shehzad Roy, aap yahan?

d) If you’re literally losing a bit of life each day waiting for season 5, may we suggest perusing Reddit fan theory threads?