his is an age-old conundrum. Instinctively, all of us know that a child needs a potpourri of genuine warmth, emotional acceptance, physical touch and active presence; no less. It’s almost like a recipe for the perfect child-rearing soufflé. But, here’s the catch — why is it such a monumental task to put this into practice?

I mean, it’s not like we have to be world-class parenting acrobats. We just need to serve up a dish of love with a side of boundaries, mix in some understanding and top it off with validation. Easy; right? And let’s not forget, we must engage in play with people of all ages, usher in a kaleidoscope of experiences to soothe their tender little souls when they’re upset and bestow upon them our undivided attention and time, assuming we have an infinite supply of it.

So, what’s the deal? Why does it often feel like trying to achieve such parenting is akin to chasing unicorns or finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? Is it the elusive nature of this parenting magic, or are we just too preoccupied with our Netflix queues and Instagram feeds to give it the attention it deserves?

It’s as if we entered parenthood with the best intentions and a treasure chest of promises, only to discover that our memory somehow got wiped clean. Why is it that we’re suddenly echoing the very things we once swore we’d never say? Is it some kind of parental rite of passage to inherit these parental mantras, like an unwanted family heirloom? Or, is there something about sleepless nights and toddler tantrums that triggers this linguistic regression?

We find ourselves teetering on the edge of exasperation, with a curious case of déjà vu as our parents’ infamous catchphrases come hurtling out of our mouths: “Because I say so,” or some other equally profound nuggets; the mysteries of inheritance, residing just beyond the borders of our consciousness. Sigh. Rather perplexing.

We are left grappling with the dilemma: are our reactions to our children’s behaviour truly anchored in the present, or are they tangled up in the messy vines of our past experiences? It’s a bit like trying to differentiate between a finely aged wine and vinegar, both residing in the same bottle.

The temptation to jump to conclusions about our emotional responses without delving into our personal history is all too familiar. It’s almost as if we’re pre-programmed to assume that our emotional reactions are purely a product of the current situation. But lo and behold, when feelings like anger, resentment, frustration, envy, disgust, panic, irritation, dread and fear emerge in response to our little ones’ actions or requests, it’s time to don the detective hat.

Consider it a signal, a proverbial red flag, if you will. Not necessarily a sign that your child is committing heinous crimes against parenting, but rather an alert that your own emotional buttons are being pressed by the miniature maestro of chaos in your life. So, should you heed the warning and embark on a journey of self-discovery? Well, it’s a rational thought and it’s quite possible that your past is nudging its way into your present parenting performance.

At times, the past comes back to haunt us with fear that spans generations. My mother had a peculiar aversion to the noise of children at play, a feeling that, I regret to admit, I too experience when my children play with their friends. It is as if an alarm bell rings within me, though their noise is entirely appropriate.

Interested in this disquieting family legacy, I dared to broach the subject with my mother, delving into her own childhood. She disclosed that her mother, my grandmother, had often suffered from headaches. Consequently, all the children in the household were forced to tiptoe around or risk severe repercussions. There might be times when you, as a child, were found to be annoying, hard work, disappointing, unimportant, exasperating or clumsy. (I was.)

The conversation was chilling because it is then that I realised that my mother had inherited an uninvited guest, fear; a sentiment she unwittingly bequeathed to me. It’s a haunting narrative, and one can only hope that in breaking this eerie chain, we have spared the next generation from its spine-tingling grip.

One cannot deny that parenthood is a rollercoaster ride. Trust me, it’s not the kind of rollercoaster where you can just hop off when you’ve had enough — you’re strapped in for life. Your precious one becomes your top-tier, high-maintenance client, demanding your attention around the clock. It’s almost like signing up for a 24/7 reality show, with no commercial breaks, no time-outs and a very unpredictable star.

But, here’s the kicker: it’s not all about the past. Have a little tête-à-tête with your mini-me. After all, you’ve both signed up for a lifelong buddy cop movie. It’s crucial to understand their quirks and dreams. The world of parenthood is generally wild and wacky that way.

The writer is the head of content at a communications agency. She can be reached at sara.amj@hotmail.co.uk