he other day I stopped at an uptown popsicle shop near my house for the kids. I realised that the quaint little establishment was sandwiched between two vape bars. While there have been many traditional smokers in my friends and family, old and young, vaping has outrageously crossed a line. So, brace yourselves.

The newest and coolest trend has taken the youth by storm. The boring, old fresh air, the aroma of flowers or the allure of roasted coffee can go take a hike. Because it is time to embrace the fragrant clouds of mystery chemicals and pretend to be part of a low-budget sci-fi movie.

The revolutionary invention has allowed us to feel like an eccentric dragon while getting our daily dose of chemicals and nicotine. We don’t need toddlers doing that. The teens are doing just fine. Why breathe oxygen when we have sweet-smelling fumes that probably won’t turn out to be dangerous in the long run, right?

Let’s move on to the devices. I am glad the V-culture is woke (isn’t it the new buzzword?). It doesn’t discriminate — there’s a gadget for everyone. From sleek and stylish to those resembling a discarded car part or a medieval battle axe, they are available in various shapes and sizes. Because, hey, why settle for a classic cigarette when you can puff on a glorified USB stick and pretend to be living in a dystopian future where smoking is cool again?

Have you checked out the flavours? Like everything else, we have forgotten the simplicity of tobacco. Gone are the days of that irresistible scent of a musty, crystal ashtray in the drawing rooms. There’s a vast variety from unicorn tears, bubblegum delight, bacon maple donuts (yes, that’s a real thing) and toasted marshmallow fireworks to blueberry muffin, cinnamon toast crunch, and even grandma’s secret apple pie recipe, indulging nearly all the wild dreams of a child: nothing short of a gastronomic carnival, minus the sticky fingers and satisfied stomachs.

Who cares about the lungs when it is important to impress your friends by vaping something that tastes like a melted dessert or a tropical rainforest. Talk about transforming everyday elements into enchanting aromatic wonderlands. And when you’re sold to the idea, you know you’ve made it in life — because you are now able to distinguish between a mod, a pod, and a giant lizard-shaped device that belches clouds of cotton candy.

What’s more, it is not merely a personal experience. No. It is not a lifestyle. It is more of a community affair, a cloud competition of sorts — V-extravaganza. You enter the V-enthusiasts, with exceptional exhalation skills, who gather in clouds of vapour to discuss their latest discoveries, and engage in deep conversations about the subtleties of their preferred flavours, coil types, lanyards to hold the prized possession, custom-made drip tips, neon-coloured batteries and battery life, as though they were questioning the meaning of life and contemplating the future of human race. “Oh, Maria, check out the size of that cloud? It was almost as big as my ambition to quit this absurdity!” Who needs a Rolex as a pinnacle of sophistication?

Oh, and the social trivialities that tag along with the habit — a perfect icebreaker! “Hey, do you want to hear about my latest vape setup?” This question will surely clear a room faster than a fire alarm could. It’s almost like a millennial mating call, ensuring that no potential partner can escape without hearing about the wonders of vaping. The gods of irony are certainly laughing at our collective efforts to seem cooler and more sophisticated while doing the exact opposite.

But hey, do you know the best part? That it is so much healthier than smoking. Or less harmful. Or, so they say. Well, at least that’s what we’ve been told by the fervent industry experts and the vape-vets. It’s like trading a giant octopus for a small shark — sure, it might seem less harmful, but it’s still a shark, right? It’s like trading in a heavy metal concert for an interpretive dance performance — you might feel slightly better, but you’re still missing the point. It’s like… I could go on.

Let’s forget about global warming and food insecurity, let’s focus on perfecting the art of harnessing the power of dark matter to create a portable fog machine.

Do we really need thorough scientific studies when we have anecdotal evidence from a John Doe on some viral forum who claims his persistent coughing miraculously disappeared after he switched from smoking to vaping? Sure, Doe might have started running marathons, eating better, and getting more sleep around the same time, but clearly, it’s the vape that did the trick.

Let’s raise our devices high and inhale deeply, pretending to be part of a private club of modern-day alchemists and join the elite ranks of the hip and happening. Because when it comes to your health, nothing says “I care” like inhaling a cocktail of unknown chemicals with questionable long-term effects.

Remember, folks, the future is now, and it’s full of vapour and smoke, wafting through the air, turning heads and raising eyebrows — a testament to human ingenuity and our ability to trade one addiction for another. So, the next time you spot a group of vapers engulfed in their fruit-scented haze, take a moment to appreciate the spectacle. It’s a living, breathing mockery, a satirical display of modern humanity’s obsession with superficiality and our unyielding desire to follow the latest fad, no matter how ridiculous.

The writer is a freelance journalist based in Karachi