When a colleague is grieving

How to provide the right kind of support

Strong time-off policies, sensitive managers and open conversations can all make a big difference for employees in times of mourning. Yet those are rare in the workplace. In researching this article, we spoke with managers, grief experts, executive coaches and academics, and examined seminal studies, books and articles on death and mourning. On the whole, we found, managers come to work prepared to celebrate births and birthdays, and even to handle illnesses, but when it comes to death, they fall silent and avert their gaze.

Companies need a better approach to grief. There is value in finding efficient and humane ways to help workers return to productivity, but managers’ obligations run deeper. Over the past few decades, as traditional support systems such as the extended family, religious communities and government institutions have lost influence, the workplace has emerged as a primary domain where people seek to fulfil their spiritual and social (as well as economic) needs. When grief is disenfranchised, the natural withdrawal that accompanies mourning is more intense and lasting, eroding performance in the short-term and diminishing commitment and loyalty to the organisation in the long-term.

How managers can help grieving workers

Half a century ago, John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work on grief identified three phases of mourning: one marked by defiance and anger; one by pain, despair and disorganisation; and one by slow reorganisation and reinvestment in life. Bowlby cautioned against assuming that these phases unfold in a progression. Although popular interpretations of David Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief paint the process as a steady march forward, researchers have confirmed Bowlby’s assertion that grief ebbs and flows. Mourning workers will experience both progressions and regressions after a loss. That’s why managers should understand the three phases and the most helpful response to each.

The void: Be present. In the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one, or at any point in which grief flares up acutely, acknowledging the loss without making demands is the best a manager can do. Let the griever take the lead. It is important at this stage to ignore the impulse to “fix” that drives most managerial actions. Death is unfixable. Instead, managers should be present and support employees by managing the boundary between the worker and the workplace. Close colleagues typically will reach out to grieving co-workers, but it is especially important that a manager does. Managers represent the organisation, and their demonstration of support is a signal that the workplace cares.

There is no formula or agreed-upon recommendation for when it’s best to return to work. Federal law does not require companies to provide time off, but according to the Society for Human Resource Management, nearly 90 percent of organisations in the United States offered paid bereavement leave in 2018. In 2016, employees received, on average, four days for a spouse or a child, three for another close family member and one to two for a more distant member. Although this may give employees time to deal with the practical demands of a death, it is unlikely to be enough for them to process their loss.

Individuals’ responses differ with the kind of loss they have experienced — how close they were to the person and the nature of the death itself. Unexpected deaths, violent deaths and suicides are likely to be more traumatising.

All these factors should be taken into account when agreeing on time off, especially in organisations without a formal policy. And when the employee is ready to return to work, managers play an important role in preparing co-workers, through communication about the returning employee’s wishes and perhaps an expert-facilitated workshop on how to deal with grief.

The absence: Be patient. Most workers resume work after a few days or weeks. But grief typically remains intense for months, and it can flare up years later. So even when the return to work has been handled sensitively, managers can’t assume that everything will go back to business as usual. The person in mourning will continue to be in the grip of intense confusion, exhaustion and pain. Furthermore, the months that follow the initial shock of loss are often a time of ambivalence. We go back and forth between feeling pain and wanting to move on.

It is important for managers to realise that grief destabilises focus, consistency and drive — the very things we describe as “talent” at work. Inconsistency is normal for some time after a loss, as is a lack of appetite for challenges and change. Neither is a sign that an employee has lost talent or interest in work. Recognising and managing these behaviours can avert a good deal of misunderstanding and conflict.

It is usually a relief to people who are grieving to realise that their managers hold them in the same regard as before but will not have the same expectations for some time. It might even help them accept that while they can’t go back to “who they were before,” they can be as talented and dedicated after the loss. Institutionally, the policies that help in this phase are those that offer flexibility.

Flexibility helps people benefit from the structure of returning to work without being overwhelmed. If an employee continues to struggle several months after a loss, a manager might gently suggest that he or she could benefit from consulting a professional.

The new beginning: Be open. There is no timeline for the emergence of hope and resolve after loss, but when the signs appear, managers can nurture them through affirmation and a gentle interest in what employees might be discovering about their attitudes toward life and work. This is especially true in the early stages of this phase, when the person might feel some guilt about these new ways of feeling and seeing life. The most helpful managers are not those who captivate employees with a hopeful vision of the future. They are those who listen and support them as they craft a new way forward, carving out space for meaning-making in the present.

The three capacities we have described above — to be present in moments of loss, patient with the inconsistency it generates and open to its growth potential — are not just ways in which you can help mourning employees. They also complement the vision, planning and guidance that we traditionally expect from managers. In confronting grief, managers help organisations do better. They also develop into leaders who can fulfil their companies’ promise to bring out the best in their workers.

Dealing with the death of a co-worker

The death of an employee can be particularly challenging for managers. The collective loss will affect many in the organisation at once, create palpable emotional upset and a disruption of daily work and prompt feelings of sorrow, regret and often shock. A failure by managers to acknowledge and respond to the grief can have significant repercussions, both for those directly affected and for others. A variety of responses can be helpful. In some cases, it may be appropriate to offer employees time off immediately after a co-worker’s unexpected death, to allow them to process what has happened in the way that feels best for each individual.

The most powerful organisational responses acknowledge the shared nature of the grief and allow bereaved employees to connect with one another. To begin, managers should facilitate informal conversations with team members about the death, acknowledging that work may be disrupted and encouraging people to speak openly about their feelings. More formally, managers may offer collective rituals, by holding a gathering where employees come together to share memories and feelings, establishing a quiet space where grievers may sit and reflect or organizing a celebration of the employee’s life.

Online platforms that allow the sharing of tributes, stories and photographs are beneficial, especially when workers are geographically dispersed. The impact of compassionate leadership at a time of collective loss goes beyond the employees most immediately affected: Such events, handled well or poorly, can become symbols of an organization’s culture that are talked about for years to come.