The comedians

Life imitates art rarely, but in the land of the pure it does so tragi-comically. The Great Election Heist 2018 has brought the eponymous novel by Graham Greene to life. The dictator’s henchmen, the ‘Tontons Macoutes’ – complete with dark glasses, mastery of anti-democratic mayhem, quisling supporters, and fascist impulses – rule Pakistan today.

The comedy was launched in earnest at the oath-taking, by PM Khan’s hunt for spectacles within his sherwani. Then, in masterful slapstick, the avatar of ‘Riyasat-e-Madina’ failed repeatedly to pronounce ‘khatim-un-nabiyyeen.’

His scattered attention during the subsequent guard of honour, and all guards of honour since, has brought much-needed fun for the people.

Marx was right. History does appear “the second time as farce”. PM Khan took oath on August 18, 2018, precisely the tenth anniversary of the resignation of Gen Pervez Musharraf. PM Khan then proceeded to make his cabinet a pantomime of the former dictator’s acolytes. Even a partial list of the resurrected lot is epic: Sheikh Rashid, Fawad Chaudhry, Sarwar Khan, Tariq Cheema, Ishrat Hussain, Asad Amin, Umar Ayub Khan, Zubeida Jalal, Khusro Bakhtiar, Aleem Khan, and Pervez Elahi.

Appointments of the chief ministers of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa and Punjab transcended pantomime into farce, exposed by the gruesome Faryal and Sahiwal murders respectively. The farce was deepened by a tweet from fugitive-from-parliament PM Khan, admonishing the Opposition for wasting parliament’s time with walk-outs.

PM Khan then outdid himself, again, by branding the U-turn a hallmark of great leadership, and citing Napoleon and Hitler as historical evidence. The level of jollity was raised by the prime minister mulling midterm elections just after the government had completed its first 100 days.

The fun goes on: Africa is a country. Light of speed. Prophet Jesus has no mention in history. The Sikhs’ Makkah and Madina are in Pakistan. For sheer hilarity, however, the speech extolling ‘desi’ chicken and ‘katta’ (male buffalo) as solutions to Pakistan’s poverty will be difficult to surpass.

PM Khan has gratified his compatriots with the cheapest helicopter rides in history for himself and his dog – at Rs55 per kilometre. The favoured canine apparently soon got his own custom-equipped SUV to and from Bani Gala. Then, just as its owner did from parliament, the pet disappeared from public view.

What did come into view were PM Khan’s socks-shod feet upon landing in Saudi Arabia. The sartorial prize for the first five months, though, goes unreservedly to the black shalwar with black sherwani with Peshawari chappal in Beijing.

The fun continued when the minister of state for communications was dubbed the best-performing member of the cabinet and promoted to federal minister.

Conduct of foreign policy has been particularly rich in jest. The letter of congratulation by the Indian prime minister was misread as an invitation to talks. A call from the French embassy in Islamabad was misheard, and boasted about, as coming from President Macron. Misheard also was the call from the US secretary of state, which forced the US State Department to release the transcript to counter our Foreign Office’s version.

A handshake with President Trump was trumpeted as a ‘reset’ in Pak-US relations, and was reversed swiftly by Donald Trump’s anti-Pakistan tirade in a TV interview. In response, PM Khan’s foreign-policy-by-tweet and US Sen Lindsey Graham likening Khan to Trump have caused glee and chest-beating amongst the Tontons Macoutes.

Chest-beating on Kartarpur stood exposed by invective from the Indian minister for external affairs in the Indian parliament on the very day. Similar glee on the foreign minister’s speech in the UN General Assembly continues to be undermined daily by PM Khan’s refusal over five months to utter the words ‘Kulbhushan Yadev’.

Merriment was nonetheless in short supply during PM Khan’s trip to Beijing. The utter lack of preparation did not amuse the Chinese. Our ‘iron-brothers’ are still in shock at the ineptitude and braggadocio of the Tontons Macoutes.

Far from being handsome, the list of U-turns has grown long enough to become hideous. Let us glance only at one of the more recent outrage: PM Khan chauffeured the UAE crown prince in an official car that a few months ago he had cursed as decadent. He then hosted the honoured guest in the PM House’s decadent rooms, which are supposed to house a new university. The prime minister has also commenced what he earlier castigated as “the beginning of all corruption”. Ruling party MPAs in Punjab will reportedly each receive Rs10 crore as development fund for the next five months.

Last but not the least, dollar benediction from our Qatari friends has forced PM Khan to swallow the Pak-Qatar LNG contract that he had reviled for three years.

PM Khan, who harangued incessantly on conflict of interest, has also blessed the mother of all conflicts of interest: the Rs309 billion Mohmand Dam single-bid contract to a company owned by one of his key ministers.

Fortune serves its own jokes, though. The troupe that cried itself hoarse with “money trail” is ashen-faced and mum in the face of the ever-burgeoning, multinational – but sans-money trail – real-estate empire created by a sewing machine.

To top off the hilarity, the government made electricity even more expensive. The reason? To facilitate the furnace oil mafia, the henchmen failed to import LNG in time of maximum demand. The higher cost of furnace oil, in untold billions, will now be paid by a grateful nation watching endless re-runs of the 1992 World Cup final. The gaffes, faux pas, and U-turns would have been fun had they not brought grievously tragic consequences for the people of Pakistan. Hydra-headed deficits – current account as well as budget – a terrible revenue shortfall; GDP growth crawling to a near-halt; and galloping inflation all crush the people daily.

Gas shortages, six to sixteen hours of loadshedding and the consequent industrial closures, and decimation of public development expenditure are likely to render millions of Pakistanis unemployed.

Panic-driven blunders of sky-high interest rates and a grossly-devalued rupee have inflicted severe economic misery on Pakistanis, which will only worsen in the coming months. The second mini-budget was heralded as a solution. It turned out only to distribute lollipops to various mafias on the deck of a sinking Titanic.

The Comedians have become the Wrecking Crew, both for the economy as well as for democracy. The Tontons Macoutes delude themselves that they are waving; they are in fact drowning in a sea of ineptitude and fascism; and taking the ship of the Pakistani state down with them. And that is not funny.

The writer is a member of the National Assembly.

Email: pmlnna81@gmail.com