Cooking a Pakistani chaos casserole

Today, in a journalistic coup that would make Woodward and Bernstein weep with envy, we bring you the coveted recipe that has kept a nation of 220 million perpetually teetering on the brink of either breakthrough or breakdown for more than seven decades. It’s a concoction so infamous it makes Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ look like a preschool finger-painting project. In the annals of political gastronomy, few dishes have achieved the sheer breathtaking audacity of the Pakistani Chaos Casserole.

Prepare yourselves for a step-by-step guide to cooking up a nation-sized serving of sublime disorder. Whether you’re a seasoned autocrat or an aspiring agent of anarchy, this timeless recipe promises to deliver a feast of dysfunction that will leave your citizens hungry for stability – or perhaps just plain hungry. So, fellow chefs of chaos, don your aprons and fire up the national stove – it’s time to master the art of Perpetual Pandemonium!

Here are the ingredients: one cup political instability, freshly sourced. One cup of ‘Democracy Chant Sauce’, loud, repetitive and completely lacking in substance. Two tablespoons of judicial confusion, finely diced. A handful of media sensationalism, extra spicy. Half cup of economic shell games, well-hidden. A pinch of extremism (careful, this stuff is potent). International meddling, to taste. A sprinkle of unfulfilled promises (store-bought is fine).

On to the instructions: begin by preheating your national oven to a sweltering ‘Crisis’ setting. Don't worry if it seems too hot; we’re going for a perpetual simmer here. In a large mixing bowl of public discontent, combine your political instability with judicial confusion. Beat vigorously until all semblance of order disappears. Remember, lumps are not just okay; they’re encouraged. Add a hearty splash of ‘Democracy Chant Sauce,’ best when prepared in public squares, where it bubbles enthusiastically under the heat of TV cameras. But be sure to balance it with a hefty spoonful of ‘Backdoor Pleas,’ secretly stirred in when no one’s looking.

Fold in the media sensationalism gently. Be sure to coat every morsel of truth with a thick layer of hyperbole. If it doesn’t make your eyes water, you haven’t added enough.

Now, for the piece de resistance: the economic shell game. This is where our dish gets its trademark ‘now you see it, now you don’t’ texture. Sprinkle it liberally throughout, ensuring that no one can quite tell where the money has gone.

Add a pinch of extremism. A little goes a long way, so use sparingly unless you want your kitchen to explode. For an international flavour, drizzle with foreign meddling. This ingredient is usually self-adding, so don’t worry if you forget it.

Finally, garnish with unfulfilled promises. These should be sprinkled on top just before serving to maintain their hollow crunchiness. Bake in the oven of public frustration for... well, forever. This dish is never quite done!

And now, for the most crucial step, the secret to that authentic Pakistani sizzle. Strictly follow a revolving chef policy; enter kitchen, discard all previous culinary progress, reset recipe, repeat. Remember: nothing says ‘genuine Pakistani cuisine’ quite like a kitchen where no one knows who’s really in charge. Don’t worry if the kitchen descends into chaos - that’s part of the signature taste.

Voila! You’ve created a masterpiece of mayhem, a smorgasbord of disorder, that would make even the most accomplished anarchy aficionado’s head spin in astonishment.

But wait, there’s more: this culinary creation doesn’t just feed the masses – it feeds itself. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, whether you want it to or not. Each serving comes with a complimentary side of next week’s crisis and calamities, ensuring the pantry of predicaments is always fully stocked. It’s as if we’ve discovered the secret intersection between Murphy’s Law and Moore’s Law: anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and at an exponentially increasing rate.

So, dear aspiring chefs of change, what’s the solution to this epicurean enigma? How does one transform this roiling cauldron of calamity into a feast of functionality? Well, if we knew that, we wouldn’t be writing cookbooks, would we? We’d be accepting our Nobel Peace Prize and revelling the night away in Oslo.

Ah, but fret not, for while we may not hold the key to Oslo’s glittering ballrooms just yet, we can, at the very least, offer a few daring suggestions. Like any master chef worth their salt, we know that no recipe is truly set in stone – there’s always room for some innovative tinkering. Let us now journey through a series of culinary improvisations that may just take this combustible concoction from disastrous to delicious. Grab your whisk and your optimism, because it’s time to attempt the unthinkable: a solution.

First, let’s turn down the heat on our Chaos Casserole. Pakistan’s political kitchen has been set to ‘Crisis’ for so long, the smoke alarms have given up in despair. Much like a souffle, political systems can’t thrive in a constant state of tension. It’s time to dial it back to a temperature more conducive to actual cooking rather than just burning everything to a crisp.

Next, we need to liberally sprinkle genuine accountability throughout our political casserole – not that artificial, engineered stuff that’s been passing for the real deal. You know the type: it looks like accountability on the menu, but when served, it’s just a reheated dish of political vendettas garnished with selective justice. No, we need the authentic, homemade variety, free from preservatives and political additives.

It’s not the most popular ingredient – some say it’s too bland, too sensible for our taste. But think of it as a stabilizing base: it may not have the sizzle of a scandal, but it will keep the whole dish from collapsing into a burnt heap. You need to whisk it into every institution and layer of government and public service, preparing a potent administrative marinade that permeates and tenderizes even the toughest cuts of resistant, fatty meat.

In a separate pan, slowly cook a mixture of fair taxation and expanded tax net until it thickens. Gradually incorporate into the main dish, ensuring it coats both the previously undertaxed elite truffles and the vast fields of untaxed potatoes that have long evaded the revenue colander. Beware: This may cause indigestion for the caviar class and send the underground economy mushrooms into hiding. Side effects may include a sudden outbreak of ‘innovative bookkeeping’ and a mass migration of offshore assets. Previous attempts at this have resulted in everyday street vendors selling creative tax returns alongside their samosas.

At this point, you’ll want to add education, the essential protein of any healthy national dish. But be warned: for far too long has this ingredient been tragically neglected in our recipe, swapped out for the artificial flavouring of media hysteria and the empty calories of clickbait journalism. To fix this, carefully slow-cook knowledge into your citizenry, allowing it to simmer until thoroughly absorbed. Think of it like cracking eggs into your democratic frittata – it binds everything together and keeps your Chaos Casserole from disintegrating into a soggy mess of misinformation.

A well-educated populace is also the best non-stick pan. Watch as populist rhetoric, wild promises and conspiracy theories slide right off. Picture a Pakistan where critical thinking flows as freely as chai, fact-checking evolves into the national pastime, and economic shell games become as futile as peddling sand in the Thar Desert. This recipe yields a feast that gives autocrats severe indigestion and sends demagogues scrambling for industrial-strength political antacids.

Next up, that potent pinch of extremism. When used sparingly, it can invigorate the national discourse with a dash of provocative yet unifying zest. However, an overabundance renders the entire feast unpalatable. Perhaps it’s time we tempered this volatile ingredient with more measured alternatives: tolerance, mercy, and kindness. While these may lack the initial kick of their fiery counterpart and are perhaps not as exciting, they won’t create a gastric calamity or reduce our collective kitchen to ashes. This blend is FDA-approved and found to heal a nation hurting with division and strife in multiple peer-reviewed studies.

Finally, let’s radically change our garnish. Instead of sprinkling unfulfilled promises on top of this dish, why not try something new? Picture a unique blend of honesty, pragmatism, and tangible outcomes, with a generous dash of hope. Unlike those hollow promises that crumble with the first bite, this fresh topping isn’t all show and no sustenance; it’s a refreshing, sustainable mixture that can truly nourish as well as satisfy, with long-term health benefits.

And for added extra flavour, let’s do something truly avant-garde: reveal the ingredients. Yes, yes, I know, it’s a radical idea, but transparency could revolutionize this entire recipe. Imagine a casserole where the public actually knows what’s going into the mix. After all, the only thing worse than a bad recipe is not knowing what on earth you just swallowed.

Will the Pakistani Chaos Casserole be transformed overnight? No dish this complex comes out perfect on the first try and you can’t rush a slow-cooked recipe. But with patience and persistence, we might just find that we can tweak it enough to serve a meal that delights the palate rather than condemns the nation to endless nightmares.

And who knows? With a little luck and a lot of elbow grease, we might even find ourselves at the table in Oslo, finally celebrating the end of the era of Perpetual Pandemonium. It won’t be easy, but as every good chef knows, the most memorable meals are the ones that surprise us, challenge us, and ultimately – if we’re lucky – bring us together in ways we never thought possible.

The writer is an entrepreneur living in the United States and the United Kingdom. He can be reached at: sar@aya.yale.edu