A guide to growing old[er]

First of all, my humble gratitude to all my readers who wrote condolence emails on my father’s passing and expressed their appreciation for a couple of things I suggested to older people in my previous column.

The response was enormous; I didn’t know that the readership of The News is so vast, spanning across continents. Some of my readers asked me to expand upon my observations of older people so that they could benefit many others who have reached the age of superannuation.

Since the words ‘old age’ and ‘older people’ do not sound decent and dignified, perhaps it is better to call them senior citizens, which is more acceptable and appropriate and has also gained currency lately. In the past 30-40 years, I have keenly observed senior citizens within my extended family and friends who reached the age of 80 and 90 but had fairly different approaches to their advanced years.

The best senior citizens who make an impression are the ones who manage to maintain their dignity. It means having the ability to live with honour and respect among their juniors and peers. Dignity also involves a certain cachet that seniors enjoy in society, not due to their old age but thanks to their distinction in a certain discipline or field.

If you have become a senior citizen just by crossing a certain age, or by completing a particular number of years in your service, there is perhaps something lacking somewhere. What is it that makes you distinct after superannuation? That is the question.

If dignity involves honour and respect, how do you claim or display it? You do not. As they say, ‘if you seek respect you will never get it. If you do something that deserves respect, you are more likely to receive it.’ If you are in education and have served as a professor or retired as a dean, pro vice-chancellor or even VC, you may be just one of so many others who failed to make their mark on society. They received their salaries and managed to do the bare minimum within their comfort zones; the minimum is the respect they will command after retirement.

It takes a Saleemuz Zaman Siddiqi, Dr Pervez Hoodbhoy, A H Nayyar, Dr Mubarak Ali, Tariq Banuri, Prof Mehdi Hasan or others of similar ilk to make a difference. These people have a distinction not because they kept seeking one salaried job after another; they are different for their immense work even after their retirement. They kept writing — not hundreds of dubious ‘papers’ in ‘international journals’, but articles, essays and books that were accessible and actually made a difference. They never wrote about what ‘great’ work they had done while serving dictators, which they never did.

If you are a judge or a lawyer and you demand respect, you will perhaps never get it. That is a reason why we have had so few lawyers, judges and even chief justices who actually command respect from people. It takes an Asma Jahangir, Hina Jilani, Dorab Patel, Fakhruddin G Ebrahim, Rasheed Rizvi, Justice Samdani, Tassaduq Hussain Jilani, or Iqbal Haider to make a positive mark on society. It is their pro-people stance that made them distinct; they hardly ever did anything to please the powers that be or to enforce their authority.

Many senior citizens become too preoccupied with their prospects hereafter. That may be a justified concern, but that can hardly be a rationale for not doing something good here and now. Insisting too much on rituals and routines may not produce the desired results. Perhaps it is better to question one’s long held assumptions once in a while and ponder over what you have been spending your time on. The time and efforts you thought you were investing may as well prove to be futile.

Ask yourself if you have made life easier for other people beyond your immediate family and have kindled light in their minds to reduce abject backwardness. Many senior citizens grow into a heap of negativity, always complaining about others not doing what they want them to do. Remember, your children and grandchildren have their lives and should have complete command over decisions. Let them live their lives and make their choices. If they make wrong decisions, just a word of advice is enough; if they do not listen, they will learn their lesson — it was their choice.

Senior people are not always the wisest people on earth; they have had their share of fortunes and misfortunes, which they may share in writing but not always pontificate about. If you have lived a harsh life, it is not the fault of your children or grandchildren, and you must not subject them to endless narrations of your past (mis)adventures. Speak when you have people around you who want to listen, and believe me there are not many. Senior citizens tend to speak a lot about themselves, control this urge to show that you know it all, well nobody does.

When your juniors make errors of judgements or commit mistakes, don’t tell them you knew it before hand; reassure them that making mistakes is part of learning but repeating mistakes is not. It is better not to be a nuisance within the family or extended family; it is all right if not everything is done with your consultation. Juniors stop consulting if they realize that there is an air of negativity around you. It is all right to indulge in some luxuries of life if it is from hard-earned money. If the money is from dubious means, it is better to keep away from the people who acquired it.

Being selective in friendships and relations is advisable, as we are not supposed to waste time with people who are steeped in arrogance and backstabbing. If you become selective in your interactions, you will have more time for some creative work of your own. Facilitating others, learning new things reading, writing and conveying your enlightened ideas — if any — to others in a concise manner can be an ideal pastime for senior citizens; encroaching upon other people’s lives is not. Seniors need to learn not to overstay their welcome at any gathering and not to complain if others have more pressing issues to address.

Last, if you are reading these lines, you are a curious individual, so keep this curiosity alive. Don’t waste your time earning more money or looking for another salaried job unless you absolutely need it. We need to outgrow our desire to earn more for our posterity. If you have been able to give them a decent education, have tried to cultivate in them a desire to learn, and have taught them to be considerate of other people; if they are good human beings, responsible citizens, and excellent professionals, you have done your job well. They should not expect more money or property from you.

Keep nurturing your mind, and keep it well-oiled by advocating for good causes. Take care of your body by eating carefully and taking some supplements with advice from your doctors. Don’t be overconfident if you are able to walk, taking help and support does not diminish your prestige in any way.

Plan to live a happy, healthy, and long life and do not ever say that you have lived your life and have nothing more to live for. Well, find something to live for; and the best thing to live for is your community. Do something for it here and now; hereafter will take care of itself.

I am not sure how far I myself will be able to follow these guidelines.

The writer holds a PhD from the University of Birmingham, UK. He tweets/posts @NaazirMahmood and can be reached at: mnazir1964@yahoo.co.uk