Whose consent is it anyway?

Marriage in Pakistan is, more often than not, an agreement brokered between two sets of parents. The assumption is that the ‘children’ – who are grown adults in many cases – lack the wisdom to decide for themselves.

The women in these instances, presumed to know ‘even less’, are often told by their families that there is no reason for them to refuse a man who has been generous enough to ‘consider’ them for marriage.

So, they say yes, even if they feel otherwise. But is it truly consent if given under duress or emotional pressure?

The United Nations states that “forced marriage occurs without the full and free consent of one or both parties and/or where one or both parties is/are unable to end or leave the marriage, including as a result of duress or intense social or family pressure.”

‘Full and free consent of one or both parties’.

Discussions around forced marriages often focus only on the most extreme scenarios, such as cases where very young girls are married off without their consent by their families. The families in such cases do not consult these girls, and the girls know they cannot go against their families’ decisions because of the severe consequences they could face.

It cannot be denied that this is a highly complex issue that demands dedicated attention. But what is equally harmful, but far more widespread, is the kind of marriage where there is the ‘impression’ of a woman’s consent – the kind of marriage that is deeply rooted in society, operating under the garb of tradition.

The Asia Pacific Institute of Gender-Based Violence states that there are “several rationales parents use about “arranging” what is essentially a forced marriage, and they pivot around cultural or religious tradition.”

A woman grows up hearing that her survival in this society depends upon marrying a man of her parents’ choosing and securing her position by having a couple of kids – a son, to be exact. Society tells her that she has no social standing if she doesn’t get married. Her parents implore her to think about them and their position in society, about her yet unmarried sisters.

She knows that a firm ‘no’ could lead her to more trouble with her family than a reluctant ‘yes’. She knows that entering a dysfunctional marriage is better for her than the possibility of being seen as a burden to her family.

Subtle emotional blackmailing almost always works in this case.

According to Chayn Pakistan, “duress can include physical, psychological, financial, sexual and emotional pressure”. It also states that “forced marriage is a form of Gender-Based Violence as it usually involves mental abuse, emotional blackmail, and coercion from either the family or society”.

The typical Pakistani family strongly believes that once a daughter is married off, she will not opt for divorce, no matter the circumstances. This confidence is rooted in the almost inevitable societal backlash that the woman faces in the case of a divorce. So, their only quest seems to be just to get that nikahnama signed ‘somehow’.

Despite how crucial the subject of marriage is in Pakistan, the quality of these marriages is rarely discussed. It has long been assumed that marriage is supposed to be the epitome of sacrifice for a woman. The idea of a loving, fulfilling relationship with a like-minded partner is often considered less important. Her respect in society and within her family is believed to increase only when she offers all her emotional needs at the altar of societal norms.

Most such marriages survive but often lack a meaningful emotional connection between the partners. These marriages eventually become unhappy and devoid of love, leading to a void that grows deeper with time. Since such unions are more often the norm than the exception, their effects extend beyond the couple, affecting their children and, eventually, society at large. This results in the birth of a culture that lacks empathy, vigour, and excitement.

Arranged marriages are not going away any time soon, and to be honest, the concept is not solely to blame. For it is not the nature of the ‘marriage’ itself that is problematic, but the nature of the ‘consent’ given for it. In the end, it is all about the free and full consent of ‘both’ parties involved.

Coercion in arranged marriages is a form of emotional violence against women. Women should not have to keep agreeing to be in relationships where they feel uncomfortable, only to abide by the script written for them by society.

The writer is a staff member of The News on Sunday.