Dad’s diary
It is wonderful having a daughter. It really, truly is. We all wish for a happy, healthy baby but two years ago, while my wife was pregnant, it was an open secret that I wanted a baby girl.
Perhaps that goes against the expectation of (South Asian) men. But there was just a feeling inside, maybe because I know the indiscretions of boys! Anyhow, we have been blessed with Lu’lu - and ‘boy’, has life changed since.
I dwell not on the monotony of routine that comes with being a parent in the West (sleep, wake-up and meal times are very important!). It is the future I think about - the world in which Lu’lu will be growing up as a woman and how all I want is for her to have a life filled with opportunity; it will be my job as her father to help her grasp any opportunity which comes her way.
It is during this thought process that, over time, I have realised that my view on equality and feminism has evolved. That does not mean I was a rampant misogynist before Lu’lu was born. Far from it - I was, however, operating under a misapprehension that women and men are equal and treated as such. Will she really be able to make the most of any opportunities?
It’s the little things I now see differently. I’ve gone from thinking nothing of a girl playing football with boys in the park to championing it and wanting the girl to shine. I then watched the Women’s World Cup of Football and rather than comparing their game to that of men, I saw their quality for what it was. I see Lu’lu run into the park, play with children older than her and she has the absolute desire to do what they are doing. She is fearless. I never want to curtail that; I want to embrace it and want her to have this quality throughout her life. My new found fear is that it will be the society which will put up the barriers.
My understanding of the day to day life of women has changed too. Gone is my thinking that we are all actually equal. I’ve opened my eyes and realised that equality is a tag and an assumption. On paper, women have rights equal to that of men, but that does not translate into tangible equality and there are still many struggles - career or relationship, job or baby - the inevitable need for women to make sacrifices, so that they try to get what they deserve.
It’s mind blowing when it strikes you. Maybe it does not come across in words. Maybe not every man with a daughter sees it. But it hits me every day - wanting to see a society which is fair for Lu’lu is making me see where it is not fair for women on a daily basis. The result is that most suffer in silence and take their lot for what it is. The vocal minority get shouted down as feminist extremists. I just cannot get my head around it. There are even people who take to social-media to deride feminists. How is that even fathomable? Are we to accept that half the world’s population is by default playing catch-up, just because of chromosome arrangement?
Why should my colleague have to make sacrifices in terms of her search for a partner or desire to have a baby in order to have the same opportunities as I do? Careers don’t wait; nor does the body clock. And despite the bravado we give here in the West about having an equal society, looking down on many Eastern nations for their attitude to women, we don’t have it right either.
Attending playgroups with Lu’lu, I see perhaps the biggest obstacle to women having the feeling of equality to go with the will we have. Women are judged for each and every action in ways men are not. Sure, it’s men who make jokes about women being unable to park a car, but it is women who judge other women on the wider spectrum of things. Women judge a mother who chooses to breastfeed. Women judge mothers on the way they let their toddlers express themselves. Women judge women on what they or their children are wearing. I’ve even heard one lady mock another (safely behind her back of course) for having a grey hair. That’s right, one grey hair.
The struggle in my mind and worry for Lu’lu is not things I am in control of as a parent; I can help shape how good a person she is. It is that she grows up in a world where, as a woman, she will be judged for every choice. Want a career - judged for not focussing on finding a partner. Want a baby while working - judged for sacrificing career opportunities. Decide to focus on raising a child and not work - somehow insulting women who fought for equality. Take a kid to a baby-group, get judged for parental choices. And woe betide if she doesn’t park her car straight!
It’s a funny thing, what parenthood can do to you. Some fathers even to this day leave all the work around the baby up to the mums. Others, like me, have a fundamental interest and desire to be involved in every decision we make as a parent. I want Lu’lu to be a wonderful human being, successful, inspirational. That matters more to me than any pre-requisites to find a nice partner or to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer.
And I want to be part of the reason she is those things. That’s why I do not stand back. I get myself involved in as much of parenting as work allows. Some relatives will call me ‘umma-abbu’, because, guess what, I like changing my daughter’s nappy, adore giving her a bath and feel something indescribable when she sits on my lap to read a book. And you know what I get in return? A toddler, who will tell me she loves me, kisses me and hugs me. Recently, on a holiday to the USA, I am certain relatives we stayed with would have passed some sort of opinion - but I am comfortable enough in my skin to know regardless of what people think, my sole focus is on doing what is best for my daughter. Which is why, perhaps, my sense of wanting her to be able to excel is heightened.
I discuss things with my wife, every little detail. What Lu’lu is doing on that day? What she has eaten. How many times she has done a ‘pow pow’ (that’s Lu’lu’s way of telling us it is time for a nappy change). What time she napped and for how long. I spend my day at an arms’ length but I am there, by virtue of making a great deal of personal sacrifices.
And you know what? I don’t get judged for it. Somehow, as a man, my choices get respected. Strange!
It’s asked “how can a father of a daughter not be a feminist?” I’ve thought about it at length and I just don’t know how.
*Naveed Khan is based in London and works in the legal profession. He writes regularly on sports and social issues.
