Changing mindsets

Family is no longer what it used to be. Remember the times when there would be a big house with a saas as a matriarch? She would be the one holding the purse strings, lording it over the bahus and grand children. As many as three to four brothers with children of their own would stay under one roof for years! Even when sons had the financial wherewithal, they would stay put; seceding from joint family was considered bad, and was tolerated only because of space issues. This system had its good and bad points, but flaws outweighed the benefits and nuclear families started becoming common.

The apologists for joint family system argue that the rate of divorce has increased because of the breakup of this system. Reason? The elders helped when issues crept up between spouses, and their guidance averted divorce. But there are those who claim that it’s the independence girls have been given by their parents that is causing trouble. Girls are no longer meek and speak up for their rights; they don’t listen to their parents-in-law, don’t like doing household chores and as such end up breaking their homes.

This is the gist of the interview of Mrs Khan that went viral a couple of weeks back. A lot has been said and written and televised on this topic already and the issue here is definitely not the interview itself. Basically, it is the mindset of women - and educated women at that - conditioned for centuries, by men, but mostly by other women, to believe that they are not important, and exist to serve their in-laws and husbands. Women just cannot snap out of it.This is connected to the interview of the famous (or infamous, it’s a matter of perception) Mrs Khan, a matchmaker, who strongly castigated modern women for not kowtowing to their mothers-in-law and hubbies. She held women responsible for divorce more than men. “Right from the beginning, women are taught not to speak up; ‘apni lulu mat chalao’ (zip it). We were taught to put the husband’s shoes and clothes properly... what is this lament that you would not make roti, why did you get married? If you are not capable of doing this then you better don’t get married,” she thundered.

Mrs Khan seemed to endorse this point of view when she claimed that mostly it’s the woman who is at fault when a marriage ends in divorce. Agreed, but who is that ‘woman’? The wife, the mother-in-law or the sister-in-law?

After this interview, social media was abuzz with comments, for and against Mrs Khan. The almost jubilant comments of some males were easy to stomach, but from women this endorsement of Mrs Khan’s views was depressing. After interviewing men of different age brackets, the scribe came to the conclusion, however, that the men rooting for Mrs Khan were mostly 50 and above. The ones in their thirties and forties said that they have no problems helping their wives with household chores.

Is the mindset changing? That’s the question!

“I make roti for my wife,” says Dr Kashif Koreshi. “When I get home before her, I make it a point to see that the food is ready before my wife comes home from work, hungry and tired.” (‘Zan mureed!’ I can hear many of the readers commenting.)

So, does this make Dr Koreshi less of a man? “Manliness is taking care of one’s women folk. At least, in my dictionary. I also make breakfast for my mother, wife and daughters on Sundays. My wife works very hard: she wakes up at 5 a.m. to make breakfast, pack snacks and lunch for children and us before she goes to work. So, on Sundays, I make breakfast for her; it’s my way of showing my appreciation for all the hard work she does, and my mother did when I was growing up. Why can’t I help when I can?” stresses Dr Koreshi.

“I was very weak after my son was born. When I came from hospital, the maid just got up and left. My husband assumed a lot of household chores to help me out,” confides Mrs Shahid Masood. Perhaps Mr Masood does not work late hours and can help his wife would be the conclusion drawn by a reader, whereas Mr Masood is a very busy doctor who is never home before 11 p.m.

So, it’s mostly about relationship that one has with one’s spouse. The love, regard and respect or the lack of these thereof that a man has for his wife can impact his marital life. A woman is supposed to love her husband and her work is viewed as ‘a labour of love’ - no contesting that - but isn’t a man supposed to love his wife and indulge in this ‘labour of love’ if it’s called for?

Mrs Khan wouldn’t agree.

Today, most women work very long hours. Whether they are doctors, bankers or work in corporate sectors, they seldom reach home before 7 p.m. Doctors have the worst of it; they have to work shifts also, and hardly get time to give their hubbies taway say utri hui roti.

“My wife rarely comes before 7 p.m., and I usually return earlier. I don’t mind getting dinner ready. When she comes home and sees the food, she gets so happy! And when she comes home before me, she makes dinner,” shares Waqas Hasan Sharif, a 31-year-old engineer.

Mrs Khan does not concur.

“If there is a will there is a way. I also used to work, but I never ordered pizzas and burgers for my children. I used to cook food with love. In my days, women cooked for their families and their love was transferred to children via the food. Today’s children don’t love their mothers because their mothers neglected them when they were kids,” says Mrs Khan.

The scribe asked Mrs Khan about the nature of her work and working hours. “I used to work in a school and later on in the Education department. I used to be home by 3 p.m.,” she tells.

No wonder she could serve hot chapattis to Mr Khan!

Refuting this theory of transferring love via food, 27-year-old Dania, a civil engineer says, “My mother worked from 9-6 p.m. My father also worked, but our family was big. My grandparents and unmarried aunts lived with us. I was 11 when my mother had to start working as my father’s income was not enough to take care of our school expenses. I still remember that my mother was usually so busy that sometimes she used to forget to eat herself. She often used to get readymade food because my grandmother or aunts would not cook. She gave her life’s best year to me and my siblings and we all are what we are because of her sacrifice. Do I not love her because she didn’t cook? I love her to bits!”

“The rate of divorce in Pakistan is increasing,” Mrs Khan said in her video. While explaining her comments, she clarifies, “It’s not my view; it’s something a woman lawyer told me. I advised young women to control their temper when men are angry. My words may have hurt feelings but the intent was to save homes.”

Does ‘zipping it’ save homes? Ramna would beg to differ.

Ramna is a doctor who got the dream proposal - of a doctor doing residency in USA. It was a proposal her parents couldn’t refuse. After all, don’t most parents want their daughters married to boys in USA or other developed countries? Within the span of three months, Ramna was married to Mubin. She thought she was the luckiest girl in the world... she was going to live alone with her husband, in the US.

All that glitter is not gold is what Ramna learnt the hard way. Mubin was a control freak who kept her on a tight leash. He told her to sit for USMLE exams, as he wanted his wife also to start earning as soon as possible. “I had a bubbly nature and used to talk a lot, but I had to become very serious; that’s what my husband wanted. I used to make delicious food because he was fond of telling his friend how he makes me cook even though I am a doctor. I was too scared to say anything to make him angry. Then I became pregnant and started hoping that the baby would change things. I took Step 1 exam and soon after gave birth to a son. Initially, Mubin was very happy and treated me well. After one month, however, he started beating me again. I left him and asked for divorce on grounds of cruelty. I also am a human being with self-respect. Mubin now is trying for reconciliation because a police record would make it difficult for him to apply for a job.”

Where did Ramna go wrong? She did what she could to make her marriage work, but is it only the woman’s responsibility to try? She wants a divorce, and God knows how many women will blame her for not working on her marriage.

It’s the mindset of people about the role of a wife that needs to change. Sweeping dust under the carpet does not clean; it hoards dust. A woman who is made to suffer in silence the unfairness at the hands of her in-laws and husband cannot be happy. Why do we want our daughters and sisters, brought up with love and consideration, want to have miserable married lives? Mindsets need to change, and it’s happening - albeit slowly.

The good news is that most men nowadays realise that a working woman with children needs support, as does a housewife who has children. The scribe spoke to a cross-section of men in their thirties and forties to find out what they think of helping their wives. “I do help my wife, but I believe I should be doing much more, as she does way more work at home than me while spending equal number of hours at work,” states Dr Saqib Khan, Associate Dean, University of Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. “I love to prepare breakfast on Fridays for my family and regularly warm milk in the morning for kids for breakfast. I do some other chores as well, and I think it’s perfectly normal because I saw my baba helping out my mother while growing up,” Burhan Baloch, Sharjah, UAE.

Many of us have grown up reading stories and watching TV dramas and films about women who bear the atrocities of their in-laws and husbands with fortitude because they embody the nobility of the eastern women who don’t answer back, stand up for themselves and let everyone walk over them... These women win the appreciation and love of their hubbies and in-laws when they become old, after spending the best years of their lives in hell. Virtue rewarded, and all that stuff.

Education and empowerment have made women realise they are entitled to human rights. Result? Homes break up when women ask for their rights. And it’s the wife who is held responsible. We need to understand that men are equally responsible for the failure of marriage. It takes two to fight. And, women don’t serve ‘taway say utri hui roti’ to hubbies anymore because they get tired, too.