The age-old saga of a mother-in-law versus a daughter-in-law is universal. But can this mutual antagonism ever cease? You! talks to a few wise women in this regard...
The age-old saga of a mother-in-law versus a daughter-in-law is universal. But can this mutual antagonism ever cease? You! talks to a few wise women in this regard...
Mummy, yeh aap kia keh rahi hain?!” This dialogue rings a bell, doesn’t it, folks? This lame reaction of Khirad (Mahira) to her dragonish mom-in-law’s (Atiqa Odho) false accusations went viral. God knows how many memes were made, and tears shed at the plight of Khirad, the beautiful damsel in acute distress!
It’s as old as the hills, this wariness (read animosity, antipathy or acrimony, to put it mildly) between two women connected by a man who is son to one and the husband to the other. They can be open about their enmity, or coldly formal, but you would seldom find a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law genuinely fond of each other. At best, you would find them co-existing civilly, out of necessity.
Add ‘in-law’ to a relationship and the result usually is a volatile mix. And, the phenomenon is not limited to the sub-continent; it transcends class, ethnicity and country (Princess Di and Queen Elizabeth, remember?). So what makes women who love the same guy each other’s rivals - jealousy or possessiveness or something else? Can this mutual antagonism ever cease? You! speaks to some enlightened mothers-in-law who enjoy a good relationship with their daughters-in-law...
My relationship with my daughter-in-law is unique. I feel I am blessed. Dynamics in this relationship have changed; mothers-in-law are nowadays mostly educated. They don’t believe in interference and fault finding. They are not as possessive as they used to be. But, this usually works on reciprocal basis; if you are good with your daughter-in-law, she will be good to you, too, but this can be different from case to case. It depends on personality, nature and upbringing.
Living in a joint family was a good experience for me. I lived with my parents-in-law till they passed away, and I can sincerely say that there are lots of advantages for bahus and saas: responsibilities get divided, you don’t have to worry about hired help, your children are safe with their grandparents, etc. Of course issues can come up. There is a saying in Urdu, ‘Bartan saath rukho tou takratay hain’ (Vessels kept together bump into each other).
Shanaz laughs as she gives her own example. I have two sisters who are abroad, and I am the only one here. When my mother was alive, she did not have any expectations from them. They called and talked to mom, it was enough for them. But since I was in the same city, expectations from me were high - and I am talking about my own mother. There is a saying that a mother-in-law who lives in a separate house is good, but the better one is that who lives in another country. When you don’t live together, expectations of in-laws are few; mere words can make them happy.
I live with my son and daughter-in-law, and my experience is wonderful. Basically, mine is a joint family and since my daughter-in-law, Mina, and I work together, we meet daily at work. But, on off-days we have our own programmes and they have their plans. At times we don’t even see each other the whole day. We inform them if we have dinner plans and they do the same. The key is no restriction on your son and daughter-in-law. They should feel totally comfortable getting up when they want and going where they want. If we invite our friends over, my son and his wife are not bound to attend. I give advice when it is sought and refrain from interfering. We have lived our life, and our sons and daughters-in-law should do the same.
The policy of non-interference works for me and my advice to mothers-in-law is to live and let live; don’t try to impose restrictions and the relationship would be fine. That’s the only way! I believe it never pays to be possessive about your son. If he loves his wife, no need to feel insecure. Give him space to live his own life.
We all have heard horror stories about saas bahu tussle rampant in our society, but with changing times this relationship is slowly but surely changing for the better. In my opinion, women of today are more educated and most of them either work or have their own stuff to do.
I know living in a joint family has its perks, but a nuclear family is something every girl wants.
My mother-in-law used to say that a girl is married 80 per cent to her husband’s family, and 20 per cent to the man himself.
Nowadays, this does not hold true. For a modern woman, it’s 20 per cent about in-laws and 80 per cent about husband and why not?
But a sensible mother-in-law is the one who helps her bahu settle into the routine of her new home. The new member of the family must be given space and friendly environment so she can find the transition easy and stress free. And the most important thing is to not feel threatened by your daughter-in-law. If your son loves his wife you should feel happy!
Previously, the bone of contention used to be kitchen! Now systems have changed and servants usually manage it, so mothers-in-law no longer expect their bahus to take over the kitchen and cook for the entire family. I am not talking about affluent class only. Even in the middle and lower middle class, many married women with young children have to work. In such houses, responsibilities are divided. Mothers-in-law look after children and sisters-in-law look after the household chores. So that is one factor that no longer affects relationships the way it used to. Women hardly have time to make trouble as they are all busy. Many of my friends are working women and have their own things to do after work. And those of my friends who do not work have their own activities. They meet friends, do voluntary work and have their own pastimes.
To maintain a good relationship, a mother-in-law must realise that what she wants for her daughter is exactly what she should provide to her bahu. I don’t create issues for my bahu, Fatima. She listens to me and I listen to her, and we have an amazing relationship. Working women are smart and realise that living in a joint family is good for their children. I think joint family’s biggest advantage is that children are not left on the mercies of hired help, so working women should consider it before opting to go nuclear.
I am a religious person and I think if we follow Islam’s true spirit we will not have discord in the house. You see, a man must be able to financially support his wife in order to get married. He has to support his wife and provide for her. According to our religion, a husband should provide his wife her own space. I lived in Saudi Arabia for 35 years, and I was initially surprised to see that before getting married Saudi men buy houses for their wives.
I feel this saas bahu (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) acrimony is something very cultural, something we got from Hindus. In their culture a bahu is supposed to be subservient and is treated badly. In turn, she does the same when she becomes a saas. In our culture, leaving her father’s home is considered obligatory for a girl at the time of marriage but not for the guy. If a guy leaves his parents home to set up his house the blame falls on the girl for making the son leave his parents. Well, the girl also leaves her parents, doesn’t she? When a mother-in-law lets her son get a house of his own, she does the smart thing. Living apart means no feuds. And this is happening now in big cities in Pakistan too. The result is a better relationship between saas and bahu.
My son got married three years ago. His job was new and he couldn’t afford to rent a house, so we made a separate portion for him with its own kitchen and gate. My daughter-in-law sometimes comes in the evening to have tea with us and sometimes we send food when I make something special. But we have our life, and they have theirs. She is a teacher and is busy during the week so she leaves her son and his maid with me when she goes to school. My one-year-old grandson is our joy, and we don’t mind looking after him. When we are busy or go abroad our daughter-in-law’s mother looks after our grandson. So yes, things are well between us because we keep out of each other’s hair.
So my advice is that if you love your son, love his wife or give her regard if you can’t love her, and she will also reciprocate. Nowadays, most women are independent and educated; they don’t have time for petty squabbles, and won’t indulge in domestic politics if they can help it.
Just one word of advice to TV people: please show good saas-bahu relationship dramas instead of portraying them as vamps. TV is a strong medium and what is shown on it impacts people’s minds.
The other day, I heard a woman saying that she spoiled her son deliberately by giving him meals in bed, so later on he would compare how his mother treated him compared to his wife. (Such moms really bring up jerks who are a real nuisance!) This is the type of mentality that spoils a relationship that can be good.
I have four sons and three unmarried my relationship with my bahus is very good. I don’t have daughters, and to me my daughters-in-law are my daughters. They are loving and friendly and our overall relationship is warm and friendly. Like daughters, they sift through my closet and take what they want. I don’t care what they do with their time because they have a right to spend their lives the way they want to.
I have learnt from my own experience. My mother-in-law gave me an extremely tough time. She called me by derogatory names and criticised me in every way she could. I bore it silently, and once when my husband overheard his mother’s rant at me, he asked me why I had not said anything to him. I just said old people do that, and we should not take offence.
I believe we have to make our relationships work; you just cannot have a good relationship without making an effort. Specifically talking about saas and bahu, it’s a two-way traffic. A good saas cannot remain good if the bahu persists in being bad, and vice versa. Many women become bad moms-in-law because they had a bad time as bahus, but I decided not to be like my saas. I decided not to criticise my bahu’s cooking; instead, I appreciated her effort and told her it was delicious even when her cake was hard enough to break a wall! When she realised it was not good and asked me why I had not said it was very hard, I just said it was fine and to just add a little more baking powder the next time. There is a way of doing things without hurting the feelings of people who matter to you. Your bahu is not your maid! She did not marry your son to sweep floors and cook food. So this old mindset of treating bahus like slaves should go, and I believe things are changing for the better. I decided to love my bahus and give them respect and regard, and my bahus reciprocated it. Having a good relationship with my bahus has a downside, too. Sometimes my sons take offence and accuse me of siding with them and loving them more, but I don’t mind it. If you love your son, you should feel happy if he has a good married life, instead of feeling jealous.
