In our urban society, men have started saying no to dowry. You! talks to some in this regard...
society
In our urban society, men have started saying no to dowry. You! talks to some in this regard...
One major cause of concern for parents in an Asian society is of their daughters’ marriage. And while marriage is supposed to be a union of two people and their families, it has been turned into a show of wealth. Among many social tribulations, one of the most significant and prevailing one happens to be dowry. It is a custom built on a status symbol rather than a functional need. It supposedly weighs a woman’s worth and determines whether she will be treated well by her in-laws or not.
The scourge of dowry has existed in our culture for centuries to this day. It is said that about 95 per cent of the marriages practise this custom. However, it is not just the illiterate or lower-class community of the country; it spreads through all strata of the society. In fact, this is a custom borrowed from our neighbouring country which then was trickled from the upper-class to the middle-class and lower-class. Due to this tradition, rights of women have been exploited by social pressures and they have been victim to crimes like domestic abuse and even murder. Although, the scenario seems less optimistic in the matter, men in this day and age are starting to change their perception about dowry. The changing mindsets of these men underscores a much-needed sliver lining. In this regard, You! speaks to some men who dismiss the culture of dowry...
“Dowry used to be an expression of love from the parents to the bride. It was a gesture of affection, a conditional gift for the new couple to help establish themselves financially,” tells 29-year-old Murtaza Ahmed, a married businessman in Karachi. “Unfortunately, nowadays it has become a competition and a very distressing economic burden. People have made this a matter of pride. In my opinion, these expenses for dowry should be controlled, if they cannot be banned completely. There should also be a law that prevents people from demanding the dowry too,” adds Murtaza.
“Also, given the spread of awareness against it, people are educated to do better. Although, the sad truth remains is that there are some influential people out there (educated and wealthy) who still continue with the norm. To put a stop to this menace, it is important that the influential families step up. They mostly do it in the name of family traditions which lead others to follow suit. Personally, I am going to keep trying my best to convince people against such customs and traditions,” expresses Murtaza.
Mirroring a similar argument, Ahmed Khawar, a 23-year-old ACCA student, says, “Families that are fully capable to provide for the new bride can easily refuse the girl’s parents to not arrange for the dowry. This is a matter of convenience for which both families need to discuss it. Whatever the bride’s parents send with her is for her to keep, not her in-laws. If the groom has the audacity to demand things for himself, then he shouldn’t get married in the first place.”
While these cultural norms have existed since long, parents and elders play a pivotal role when it comes to inculcating these values to the younger generation. “In Pakistan, dowry has a cultural and religious bearing but I am against it. It is a material wish which in actuality has no link to religion. There is usually a lot of pressure on the bride’s parents to give her something. Sure, they can give her whatever they like as long as it remains with the girl herself, such as clothes, gold or money in her personal account. We may think that it’s just the lower-income families but that is not the case. Affluent families would consider this as their right when that is not the case at all. It is a burden that you put on the bride’s family,” enthuses 26-year-old Nyhaal Rizvi, who is going to be married soon.
“Speaking from personal experience, I have been advising people since the past few years to not get dowry from their in-laws but it falls on deaf ears. It is really hard to bring people’s attention and to explain to them why this needs to stop. I have witnessed most elders, with rigid beliefs in traditions, forcing their children to follow in the footsteps even when they don’t want to. Even my in-laws have been trying that I accept something but I had decided earlier on that I won’t take any. Hopefully, more Pakistani men will change their attitudes towards dowry in the coming years. The common perception is that whosoever is not giving dowry is stingy and the one not accepting is an idiot. At the moment, I assume there would be four to five per cent people here who would actually speak out against dowry. While there is a major pressure from the elders of the family, people from our generation have changed quite a lot. Hopefully, in the next five to 10 years, things will improve and we will see a significant decline in this dreadful trend,” Nyhaal elucidates.
Najam, who has been married for 10 years, shares his experience with this scribe, “I am totally against the tradition of dowry. You marry a girl and not the material things. When I was getting married, I categorically told my mother-in-law that I did not want anything. I didn’t even wear sherwani on my wedding day and opted to wear simple shalwar kameez as I didn’t want to burden my mother-in-law. Dowry is not the basis of a happy married life. Had it been the case, daughters of rich people would never get divorced or have unhappy marriages.”
Traditions and culture hold its significance in any society as it consolidates it. But when these norms and values become a nuisance rather than a binding force, it means that it is time they were eliminated from the society.
