“Uff, I am so lucky, my mom-in-law is so sweet. She has given me a gold set on my engagement,....
society
“Uff, I am so lucky, my mom-in-law is so sweet. She has given me a gold set on my engagement,” Nimra says excitedly to her aunt. “Beta, be nice with her, now your saas is going to be your mother,” says the aunt.
“Darling, what will I call your mom after we get married,” asks Asma, a bride-to-be. “Of course darling, you will also call her ammi. What else are you supposed to call her? “ Pronounces her future hubby.
“Ammi, I don’t feel like saying my saas ‘ammi jaan’, can I call her aunty?” inquires Seema, a newlywed. “Watch your words. You must call her ammi jaan. She will mind it if you dare call her aunty,” advises Seema’s docile mother.
Ab tumhari saas hee tumhari maa ki jaga hai... we all are familiar with this cliched line. In our society, calling moms-in-law as ‘mom’, ‘mummy’, ‘ammi’ or ‘ammi jaan’ is customary. As soon as you get married you, unconsciously, start calling your mom-in-law as ‘mom’. Apparently it’s a harmless exercise. But deep down it’s a forced culture. We are conditioned to call our mothers-in-law as ‘mom’ - whether we like it or not.
Have we ever thought why we mindlessly call our moms-in-law moms? Do we really love them as we love our moms? Do we really care about them as we care about our moms? Do we really give them the same amount of respect and value as we give to our moms? When we honestly ask ourselves these tough questions, we prefer to remain silent.
In our hypocrite society, we like to carry false appearances. We smile in front of our moms-in-law and act very humble but we hardly enjoy their presence. We crave for our mothers’ company but we tend to avoid going out or spending time with our mothers’-in-law. In homes where there is a strong hold of mother-in-law, one notices an environment of pretence. Poor daughter-in-law has to call her mommy, no matter how much she despises her secretly. Having said that, I don’t blame daughters-in-law for showing superficial love for their moms-in-law.
It is not rocket science to understand that your love for your own mother is natural, deep and intense. She is the one who has been taking care of your little needs since you were a child.
She has been your mentor, caretaker and confidant. You have developed a special bond with your mom over the years. Now, is it humanly possible to develop the same bond overnight with your mom-in-law? Of course not, you need your own sweet time to develop a level of understanding with your hubby’s mom.
It’s a universal fact that daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship is a tough one. An element of jealousy and possessiveness is there as both women share the same man in different capacities. Since this relationship is not natural and ‘by law’, one really needs to work on it. In our society, where arranged marriages are a norm, is it fair to expect from a new bride to start calling a stranger (mom-in-law) ‘mom’ instantly? We assume that this is her family now and tend to forget that it will take her some time to adjust to her new surroundings and embrace new relations and people in her life. We all know that it takes years to build solid friendships, then why don’t we give room to girls to grow their own attachment with their moms-in-law over a period of time? Why it is a forced connection and not a natural process?
“Sadly, we live in a society where people go after impressions. The more you pretend, the more popular you are. Initially, I used to call my mom-in-law ‘aunty’ as I believed in being honest. But when I noticed that my saas gave preference to her other bahus over me just because they called her ‘ammi jaan’ I also started calling her ‘ammi jaan’. Now my mom-in-law is very happy with me. But to be honest, over the years I have developed cordial relations with her and now it’s much easier for me to call her ammi jaan, without any pretence,” shares 37-year-old Lubna, who has been married for 15 years now.
“My mother-in-law gave me a tough time. She pressurised me to call her ‘ammi’ but she never gave me love that I expected in return. Then she fell sick and I looked after her without expecting anything in return. Today she loves me as her own daughter and I also regard her like my mother and when I call her ‘ammi’, I really mean it,” enunciates 45-year-old Uzma, who has been married for 20 years now.
“I don’t agree with the superfluous customs of our society. I like western society as they even call their moms-in-law with their names. There is no fakeness in relationships. Well, if you want to build a healthy relationship with your mom-in-law then you have to ignore her flaws and appreciate her a bit. Your mom-in-law cannot become your mom only by mere ‘calling’. I believe in genuine relationships. I will only call my mom-in-law ‘mom’ when I feel comfortable about it. Period,” expresses 24-year-old Ayesha who is engaged to be married in six months time.
The crux of the matter is, there is no harm in calling your mother-in-law ‘mom’ but only when it comes straight from the heart. So this Mother’s Day, while buying gifts for your mother, don’t forget to pamper your second mom (aka mom-in-law). Happy Mother’s Day!
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