Life can be tougher for trailing spouses. This week, You! peeks into the lives of some trailing wives and the challenges that they face...
Life can be tougher for trailing spouses. This week, You! peeks into the lives of some trailing wives and the challenges that they face...
The term ‘trailing spouses’ is used to define spouses (wives) who have to relocate to a different geographical location because of their spouse’s work assignments. Though people generally refer to expatriate moves solely when using this term, it actually includes domestic moves as well.
Two years back, when my husband relocated to another city due to a work assignment, I chose to stay back in our home town with the kids. There were some logistical issues that held me back, but I suspect somewhere, at the very bottom of matter, one of the contributing factors was my fear of leaving my comfort zone and being thrown into an alien environment with no friends, family or familiarity whatsoever.
However, the two-city arrangement proved to be extremely taxing for all parties involved in the long term and finally at the tail end of last year we gave up! I made the move from Karachi with bag and baggage and fear of the unknown. This move made me realise how big a deal it is to for one of the parties in a marriage to follow the other to a different geographical location solely because of the other one’s work and career.
For a self-acclaimed introvert and socially challenged person like me even a different city within the country was such a huge step to take. It was hard for me to imagine how so many spouses, mainly wives of course, move to totally different countries and even continents at times. These wives, mothers and home-makers, known as the accompanying spouses, have a unique and interesting lifestyle.
So joining this league in my own tiny little way got me thinking about the lives of all these accompanying partners and how they deal with the changes in their lives. Personally, leaving friends and family behind and getting to know new people was my biggest challenge. I also terribly missed the ease of just getting around, from my regular grocery store to my favourite coffee shop and even my dreaded tailor who I was never happy with but just couldn’t be bothered to find a new one.
The question I asked myself was how do so many women do it so seemingly effortlessly? How do they deal with the stark changes, and build a whole new life, leaving behind a familiar world to step into a new environment and make it home for themselves and their families.
But then there is a huge difference between relocating within the country and abroad. Moving out of the country usually means an upgrade for people from our part of the world. Is that why it’s perhaps relatively easier for these women to adjust and tougher for those who move domestically? However, talking to some of these women revealed that in reality it is not a piece of cake for them either. Moving to a developed and more advanced country may be a perk but not one that comes without any cost at all.
They have their own share of problems...
To the outsiders the lives of these globetrotting families seem ultra glamorous but few ever think of the frazzled expat moms with kids in tow, left to fend for themselves in a foreign land. These women who have given up their careers and passions to make a new home in a new country for their family. Their tiny battles such navigating the right grocery stores or getting to know a new set of school mums are not seen as huge endeavours but these are very real battles nonetheless which these brave souls face and fight for the sake of their families and kids.
“As a trailing spouse the biggest challenge was giving up my own career for the sake of my kids. As all of them were under ten years of age and there was no family support in a foreign land”, shared Maham, a mother of three who had a high flying career herself in a multinational previously. “I felt it wasn’t fair on them to have both parents away from home in a foreign land in a totally new environment. With so much change they needed a constant at home!”
Not being able to continue work seems to be the number one grievance for expat wives. Reasons are mainly no family support for childcare as well as qualification and visa restrictions. Or even language barriers at times as shared Saima, a mum of two, and an ex-banker.
“My greatest problem was to find a job for myself as the countries we lived in, did not have English as the first spoken language. Just trying to learn a totally new language was a huge challenge for me, let alone to excel in it to find work”.
“I was a finance professional before marriage but the nature of my husband’s job does not allow a work permit for me in most countries as we have diplomatic visas. Hence I gave up on my career altogether” Fatima’s story has another angle due to her husband’s career in the foreign office.
Sara is another such homemaker who gave up her career in the Human Resource department of a multinational Pharmaceutical company in Karachi. She is now an accompanying spouse, a mother of two and has moved within and outside Pakistan due to her husband’s job. “Surely continuing my career was the biggest challenge. Also having no social or family support network other than my hometown made life tougher with two very young kids”
Life goes on...
On a brighter note there are many positives that expat families enjoy and which makes the life of these trailing spouses not so miserable. Rather they enjoy the perks that come along with these geographical shifts.
Saima rates better education quality for children as the number one perk for her family. “I couldn’t have gotten this standard of education for my kids had we not moved out of Pakistan” She says, “Moreover, we got to travel the world, experience different cultures and learnt to live in a diverse world”.
For Maham, her family’s relocations have been a great learning experience for all of them as a unit. “In the span of last six years, we have moved four times to geographies as far as Far East, Africa and the Middle East. These shared experiences helped us bond better as a nuclear family. It has also widened our horizons, provided better opportunities to learn about new cultures and be more appreciative and tolerant towards diversity of all kinds”.
“With no social pressures you get to lead your own life and have more quality time as a family. Other plus points are you get rich exposure to how things, people and systems are in other countries and cities,” opines Sara.
As for me, I have now come to embrace this change in my life with complete happiness and dedication. I feel that stepping out of my comfort zone helped me rediscover myself so to speak. Reaching out to new people, asking for help, and even learning to enjoy my own company at times has all been an interesting journey which I have now started to enjoy. Just breaking the monotony of a settled and all too familiar life has forced me to sharpen many skills and traits that I had not used in so long they were either terribly rusty or totally lost in some cases. Another huge advantage that this change brought with it was increased bonding for us with the kids. With the kind of close knit social fabric and dynamics our culture has, at times the nuclear family does not get enough time and space needed for healthy bonding. This is where such experiences really help. Even the hiccups and bumps faced along the relocation journey have made for some amazing memories that we will always cherish and that is what really makes the change worthwhile!
