Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 22-year-old girl. I had just started university when my father died two years back. I had to help my family as I have three younger brothers, and there wasn’t any other source of income. We had our father’s pension, but it wasn’t enough for a family of five. I decided to continue my studies as usual and teach in the evening at a coaching centre near my house to earn some money. I met a math teacher, A, who was simply brilliant. My subject was also math and we grew closer in a few months. He was 27 years old at that time, and was not married. One day, he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. We used to talk regularly on phone and communicated through text messages but he never asked me to meet him alone. He wanted to send his parents with a formal proposal, but I told him I had responsibilities and needed time. My mother somehow became suspicious and started monitoring my calls. Finally she asked me what was going on and I confessed to her that I was in love with A. She asked me to give her A’s number and said she would see if he was suitable for me or not. But suddenly, for no reason at all, A stopped talking to me. Even at the coaching centre, he started avoiding me. My mother said she tried to talk to him and he said I had misunderstood him, and he wasn’t in love with me. I was shattered! I left the coaching centre and got another job, but didn’t get over him. After a year, I couldn’t take it any longer and on an impulse, I called him. He sounded very happy to hear from me and for the first time, asked me to meet him at a cafe. I went to meet A, and what he told me hurt me very much. He said my mother had called him and requested him to stop seeing me because she was worried about the household expenses in case we got married. He said he still loved me and wanted to marry me and had decided that after our marriage I could continue to support my family.

Nadine, this disclosure was very painful for me. I had been working selflessly for my family and my mother did this to me. How can a mother be so selfish? She lied to me and broke my heart! Why couldn’t she trust me? I do not want to lose A again because I love him! I find myself unable to talk to my mother like I used to. She doesn’t love me. To her, I am just a source of income. What do you think I should do in this situation?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

You are a very loving, dutiful and sensible young woman. The way you continued your studies and found work in the evening says a lot about the strength of your character. It is unfortunate that your mother didn’t understand your sentiments. But, try not to judge her too harshly; she is a widow with just her husband’s pension and daughter’s income, and still has three sons who are not old enough to help her. She should have trusted you and discussed the matter with you practically, but was probably too scared of losing your income.

My dear, your mother has been selfish, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. I think you should try to forgive her and speak to her regarding A. Assure her that you would continue to help out your family till your brother/s start earning. I am sure once she realises that you don’t mean to ditch your family after getting married, she will make up for her mistake. Best of luck!