Letters

 Dear Nadine,

I am a 25-year-old girl. I have three brothers, all older to me and a sister who is a college student. Our family has the USA citizenship, but we came back to Pakistan after my oldest brother married an American Christian. My parents were very firmly against this marriage and initially cut my brother off, but after my brother sent them the pictures of his twins, they accepted his marriage and we went to visit them. I was 18 then, and requested my parents to let me stay in USA, so I could do my degree from there. They agreed and I applied to and got admission in UT Austin. There, I became friends with B, a Turk student at my university. Over time, we fell in love with each other. We wanted to get married, but the problem was that my parents flatly refused to give permission. They said I had broken their trust and must return to Pakistan or they would have nothing to do with me. We were both troubled about this, because I honestly did not expect such resistance from them, because B is a Muslim and they had no grounds to withhold their consent. B’s family is settled in US only and they welcomed me warmly, and had no objection to our marriage. My married brother also refused to support me. May be he doesn’t want my parents to become angry with him, but it was a real blow! He married a Christian and was forgiven but a Muslim guy was being rejected because he did not belong to our community! I decided it was my life and got married to B. His family hosted the wedding reception and in the last five years they have given me so much love and respect that I cannot express it in words. B is a great husband and a wonderful father to our two children, so I should be happy, right? But although I am satisfied with my life and happy also, at times I feel unhappy. My parents have still not relented. I sent them wedding pics and then the pics of my children, but they have not spoken to me since the day I got married. I sometimes call my sister on her cell, and she talks to me. My brother sometimes talks to me on phone, but does not want to meet me. Now, the thing is that my Pakistani friends feel that marrying against my parents made my marriage illegal, and I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know about Sharia laws, but I had a proper nikah ceremony and a court marriage. Nadine, please tell me what should I do. I am depressed.

Depressed Soul

Dear Depressed Soul,

It is not easy to marry someone one’s parents disapprove of, and be happy, especially in our culture. However, we all have to sacrifice for choices we make. You probably counted on the fact that your brother was forgiven and the same would happen in your case, too. The difference between the two cases - yours, and your brother’s - is the mindset of our people who forgive men for any transgression but are not charitable or generous enough to treat the girls the same way. I don’t mean to say that your parents would never make up with you - just that it would take more time. They are hurt and angry, but if you keep trying and praying, and I am sure they will come round.  What your Pakistani friends feel about this matter is their business, but that doesn’t mean they should try to make you feel guilty and depressed. You were an adult when you got married, so your nikah is perfectly legal. It’s not our religion that forbids us to marry of our own choice; it’s the society we live in. So try not to feel depressed because you owe it to your husband and children. Best of luck!