There is nothing in this world sweeter than the word ‘Mother’. This very word symbolizes affection, calmness, patience, purity and devotion. No relationship is as strong as a mother-child bond.
opinion
There is nothing in this world sweeter than the word ‘Mother’. This very word symbolizes affection, calmness, patience, purity and devotion. No relationship is as strong as a mother-child bond. God has bestowed mothers with a gentle heart full of emotions. It is because of this unlimited love which enables moms to raise their kids with utmost kindness and sincerity.
We all love our mothers as they are the ones who put up with us when we were growing up. Motherhood is a status, a power, an undeniable fact of life. There are hundreds of movies and dramas made on motherhood. There are phrases, verses, poems, stories and songs written in praise of mothers. Each year, Mother’s Day is celebrated all over the world to pay homage to all the wonderful moms out there.
Becoming a mother is a cardinal desire of almost every woman. However, not everyone is blessed with children. There are so many childless women who ache for motherhood but are helpless at the hands of Nature. As believers we all know that it’s up to God to bless someone with children or not. But unfortunately this simple thing is not understood by many. In our orthodox society it is very important to become a mother as soon as you get married. There is an unseen pressure on newlyweds to become parents. And sometimes, young couples are so much caught in the social web that their own happiness takes a back seat. They have to meet the social demand or else they will be dead meat. Is there any wonder we see long queues of anxious couples in front of fertility clinics? These so called clinics mint money in the name of treatment by giving false expectations to such frantic couples. Sometimes they even resort to desperate measures and fall prey to black magic in a forlorn hope to have children.
Interestingly, this phenomenon is not limited to lower or middle classes, it prevails in upper class too. Actually, this is our typical mindset which compels childless couples to live under constant fear. Somehow we have been conditioned to believe that having children is mandatory for a successful married life. And if you cannot have children, you are basically doomed. And on top of that our TV dramas have promoted this ‘sick’ mentality to the next level. Take a closer look at our dramas and you will notice that a woman is looked down upon in the society if she is not a mother. In other words if she cannot produce children, she is worthless.
These general attitudes of our society make childless women actually believe they are useless and have no purpose in life. Some go into depression, some opt for adoption, some become psychos, some find solace in religion, some seek for divorce and some, under pressure, allow their husbands to go for second marriage. Isn’t it ironic?
I don’t understand why are childless women made to feel guilty about not having children? It is absolutely not their fault. And such women should not feel dejected. Instead, they should look at the brighter side of the picture. Such women can channelize their energies in doing some productive work rather than sulking or going into isolation. They can make better use of their lives by involving themselves in some creative activity like joining a book club, or an Ngo or to teach street children etc. If you are not the working type then be a doting aunt to your nieces and nephews to fill in the gap. There are so many things one can do. It’s just that one has to believe in oneself. The point is to have a good life rather than having an aimless one.
I have been married for 15 years, I don’t have children but does that mean my life is over? Absolutely not! I have quite a fulfilling life. I have a sound mind and I have an understanding and supportive husband. It does not affect us whether we have children or not, what matters is our companionship and respect for each other. Frankly speaking, in my initial years I wanted to have my own children, but then I came to know that due to some medical complications I would never become a mother - it was devastating. Believe me; it wasn’t easy for me to digest this reality in the first place. I had my own bouts of depression but then I recollected my courage and decided to face the world boldly. Since then I have been taking taunting remarks and sympathetic expressions of people in my stride. They have failed to understand that despite being childless how come I am having a good married life. Here people correlate marriage with children. These ignorant people don’t realize that husband/wife relationship is totally different from children/parent relationship. Had it been true then couples with children would never get divorced.
In civilized/western societies people give space to each other. It really does not matter to them if someone is married or not, if someone is living freely with his/or her partner or not, if somebody has kids or not. For them becoming a mother is a choice, not a compulsion. It is a ‘non-issue’ for them contrary to our fixated society where it is considered a ‘must’ to have children.
We like to emulate the west in every possible way. We feel happy to speak English, take pride in sending our kids to Cambridge schools, we like to party in western gowns, but when it comes to mindsets; we are still struggling with our pre-conceived notions about motherhood. I wish that we could copy west in such matters too.
The whole purpose of writing this article is to give some hope and courage to childless women - that even if they are not mothers; they can live a happy and stress free life with their spouses. Here are some of the tips for coping with childlessness, based on my own experiences:
Connect with like minded couples: In your social circle, try to connect more with childless couples. It’s a natural therapy for couples to get to know that they are not alone. It’s always a good idea to plan your get togethers and parties with such couples as they don’t have issues with late night sittings unlike your other friends.
Count yourself lucky: It’s good to have kids but then coping with them is no joke. Your kids make your life stressful. Parenting is quite demanding and challenging. You are on your toes all the time. Forget peaceful sleep as you have to send your kids to school right on time. And then you have to prepare meals for them and have to clean their mess. Your social life comes to a halt as you cannot leave your little ones alone, unless you have help. So, count yourself lucky for not going through any such hassles.
Accept it with honesty: Despite knowing all the hardships that come along with motherhood, it’s hard to ignore the joy of being a mother. Living with this terrible feeling of not being a mom tends to make you depressed or sad from time to time. It’s a constant struggle within you, so you need to accept this reality with all honesty. But it should not deter you from enjoying your life.
Be positive: It’s very important to stay positive. We need to remember that God works in mysterious ways. So if you are not a mother, there must be some logic behind it that only God knows. May be we are destined to do some bigger things in life. May be God wanted to save us from unseen pain or sufferings in case we had mentally ill or physically disabled children. So, instead of complaining, be content with what you have.
Sharing is caring: We all possess motherly feelings in us. So what if you are not a biological mother, you can be a ‘mommy figure’ to as much children as you want - your siblings’ kids, your friends’ kids, your maids’ kids - all can be close to you if you give them love and attention. Remember a doting aunt is more popular among kids than a strict mom.
Cash your time: Half of mother’s time and energies are occupied by kids. She hardly gets any time for herself especially when kids are young. You can easily cash that time and make best use of it. You are free to do your own things. You can join a gym or yoga club. You can sleep and rest as much as you want and spend hours in a spa and salon without being disturbed.
Focus on your career: A lot of time working mothers have to compromise on their careers because of their children. They cannot do long working hours or go in fields (unless they have support system). But being childless gives you a lot of freedom to do challenging jobs and do whatever you like.
No strings attached: I have seen many unhappy married couples living under one roof only because of their children. They have made so many compromises for the sake of their kids. So, if you don’t have kids, you are in luck as you don’t have to put up with your partner against your will and can part ways without any guilt.
Strengthen the bond with your partner: In our society people still do not understand the importance of companionship in a married life. Being childless does not mean that you ought to live a boring life. Do things together with your partner that interest you both like going to a movie, travelling, boating, eating out, etc. A childfree life can be a stress-free life!
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