HAPPILY UNMARRIED

Unmarried women in Pakistan, an unlikely phenomenon is now a surprising reality. These women come from various backgrounds and face different expectations from society. As views on marriage and women’s roles change, many women are exploring their own paths and challenging traditional ideas, sparking conversations about equality and personal choices in Pakistani culture.

A UN report recently launched an interesting stat: around 10 million women above 35 years of age are waiting for marriage in Pakistan. In a country where most families see marriage as an ultimate goal for their daughters, this number is rather surprising. So, what exactly is stopping women from marrying, You! takes a look…

Khadija Siddiqui, a 24-year-old industrial designer, happily agreed to speak on the topic, “I may be young, but I can share why I think this is happening. I think it is good that women are waiting for the right person instead of giving in to societal pressure.”

Khadija opines that it is important for women to have a life outside of the traditional roles. “I have seen many women getting married at a young age and then losing themselves. I have seen girls completely surrendering to their husbands, becoming their puppet.”

Although, the UN report states that “the high number of unmarried women reflects the complex challenges surrounding marriage in the country. With concerns ranging from traditional family pressures to the evolving dynamics of caste and relationship.”

Khadija points out that this should be welcome, “Why are we looking at it as if it is something bad? We should also figure out what these women are up to and how many of them are following their passion.”

Azka*, who requested the scribe to maintain her anonymity, shares that things are not all rosy, but they are not gloomy either. “For women, marriage is still a big step, something that they want to ‘achieve’ mostly because our society is not welcoming of single women.” Azka has been teaching at a school for almost a decade now, she adds, “However, there has been a shift. Almost every family has a case where a woman was to get married to someone who was way out of her league just because she wanted to get married. Now, the trend is thankfully going away. Yes, women are worried about the age factor, but they are willing to find the right person.”

“Financial independence has also played a big role in allowing women to make decisions more judiciously. If you have money and you are not the proverbial burden on your family, you can make your decisions easily. Also, with the internet, women also have access to resources. Previously, we used to rely on a male to take us to a consultant officer, for example, if we wanted to explore education opportunities. Now, there are groups and whatnot where women can ask questions and apply for scholarships. When they see that there is a world of opportunities waiting for them, they stop obsessing over marriage.”

Clinical Psychologist, Tahira Anas, highlights 10 reasons for a high number of unmarried women above the age of 35 in Pakistan. She explains, “Pakistan has a significant number of unmarried women above 35, and various reasons contribute to this phenomenon.

“Societal pressure and family expectations; Women may prioritise family obligations over personal desires, leading to delayed or foregone marriages. Education and career goals; Pursuing higher education and career aspirations can lead to delayed marriage. Financial independence; Women may focus on achieving financial stability before considering marriage.

“Changing social norms and values; Evolving societal attitudes towards marriage, family, and personal freedom contributes to this trend. Limited partner choices: Women may have high standards or limited options, leading to delayed or no marriage. Divorce stigma; Fear of divorce and societal stigma surrounding it may discourage women from marrying.

“Personal freedom and autonomy; Women may prioritise personal independence and freedom over marriage. Education and economic empowerment; Increased access to education and economic opportunities enables women to make choices that prioritise personal goals.

“Urbanisation and modernisation; Changing lifestyles and values in urban areas contribute to delayed or no marriage. Gender roles and stereotypes; Traditional gender roles and expectations may limit women’s choices and opportunities, leading to delayed or no marriage.”

Khadija reiterates, “When you marry young without a Plan B, you find it difficult to leave an abusive marriage. If you abandon your studies and do not build your career before marriage, you get stuck. I am not saying don’t get married, but you should also focus on your personal growth before saying yes to starting your family.”

Maria*, a single woman in her mid-30s, comments, “Women are thankfully embracing their singlehood. We have seen how many married women reacted to slogans raised at Aurat March, calling marching women a nuisance. For decades, single women were seen as a ‘bechari’ – a damsel in distress. Even in children movies and fiction, the girl has had to get her prince charming. But, not anymore. I think the way many women have broken free of patriarchal chains is incredible. Now we have more women interested in continuing their studies and finding a job than settling down.”

Azka agrees with it, “We have grown up watching movies and shows where finding love was the only purpose of the protagonist. So, obviously, women would feel left out. Also, in many families, women were not allowed to work. Since they had no one to talk to, they saw marriage as an escape. Now, many women are working. They have their lives, their colleagues and friends, and they can move around easily. There is no issue of transportation and a woman can go out to buy stuff on her own. This is the shift that many women did not know they needed.”

Mrs Noor*, a part-time matchmaker and a mother of four, weighs in, “I also have daughters, and I used to think that I’d get them married as early as possible. But now I see them studying at universities, and my heart swells with pride. I want them to reach their goals and marry when they think it’s right for them.”

“I am a matchmaker, and I know how most of my colleagues think. Some years ago, a matchmaker appeared on TV saying that women are saying no to proposals on the basis of a boy’s salary. I think all these factors are important. It is right to ask the man how much he is willing to spend on his wife. The entire world is advancing at a fast pace, and we should not let our traditional views stifle our daughters’ growth. I got married young and had to say goodbye to my studies - something I regret. But I am glad that my daughters have a chance to do things I could not do.”

Maria repasses, “We used to make fun of Aurat Marches and ‘feminists’, but I think these women have cleared the stigma around unmarried women. They have shown them that they are worthy of living. I know most will not accept it. I was also wary of lending my support to these events, but it is true that such discussions have made an impact. I used to not join women-only groups because I would feel left out, but now I have come to know so many amazing women and the work they do, that I do not feel if I am missing out on anything.”

“Most of us have seen our mothers and aunts saying goodbyes to their dreams. I think that motivated us to crave a path of our own. Yes, I am open to the prospect of marriage, but I am not losing my sleep over it,” concludes Maria.

*Names have been changed to protect the commentors’ privacy