Devil in law

You! think only mothers-in-law are bad. Think again... sometimes

daughters-in-law can be spiteful

and bitter too. You takes a look...

A few popular statements used by the society are, ‘get married and you will find out what life is’, or ‘be careful of your mother-in-law’, or ‘learn how to cook because your husband’s mother is sure to replace you with her maid’. For years we have been watching movies and TV-serials that show the typical innocent and destitute ‘bahu’ who is tortured by the evil mother-in-law. Although, this situation is true in many families where girls have suffered a great deal, there is a flip side to the coin as well. There are also daughters-in-law that are petty, nasty and spiteful and tend to hate their in-laws based on preconceived notions. Yes, in some cases, mothers-in-law actually go through mental torture because of their ‘bahus’. Here are the experiences of a few mothers-in-law who have suffered at the hands of their son’s better half.

“When my son Danial got married, there was no one in the household who was as happy as me,” says Aliya, a 48-year-old single mother of two daughters and a son. “I was not a cruel mother-in-law but I expected my daughter-in-law to take her position as a ‘bahu’ and take charge of the house. She on the other hand, had different plans and she started fighting with me a few weeks into the marriage.”

“She would fight over petty things like why I got an expensive branded lawn suit for my daughter. She used to shout at me so much that even the neighbours complained about the noise. My son did nothing to help as he assumed we weren’t getting along because of me.

“After 6 months of marriage, she convinced him to find a job in Dubai,” laments Aliya. “Now my son and daughter-in-law are living happily in Dubai and I am here bearing the expenses of my two daughters on my own. I just wish he had never met that woman.”

Growing up in a county where sons are so close to their mothers that they can’t hear a single word against them, it comes as a surprise when wives are able to manipulate their husbands to such an extent that they turn completely against their families. Sometimes because of work pressure they take an easy way out and side with their wives as they have no time to indulge in family politics. 

“My daughter-in-law is my niece too. Before the wedding she was the nicest girl I had ever met. But after the wedding, she completely changed. When my only daughter came to stay with us for a week she created so much fuss and pressurised my son to tell his sister to leave,” tells Seema, a middle-aged woman. 

“Now, my ‘bahu’ acts as if she owns this house, though it belongs to my husband. I feel so helpless in front of her and this is primarily due to my son’s weakness who cannot say a word to his dear wife,” says Seema with a heavy heart.

Sakina, a mother of two sons also has her own sorry tale. “Initially my daughter-in-law Rida seemed like a perfect choice. She helped me with all the house chores and did more than anyone asked. But I began to notice that she possessed a greed for our money and always had her eye on the finances. Four months later we found out that she had been giving incorrect medication to my husband who has diabetes. My son caught her in the act and divorced her. Who knew things we saw on ‘Star plus’ could actually be true.”

Samra’s story is also heart wrenching. “My son married a beautiful young woman who got pregnant a month after marriage. My husband and I welcomed her as a daughter. I wanted to respect their privacy at all times so we gave them money for a separate house. But despite all our good efforts she continues to resent me and does not let my granddaughter talk to me. Once during a dinner, my granddaughter asked her ‘Mommy am I allowed to speak to ‘dadi’ today?’ That is when I realized that my daughter-in-law is poisoning my grandchild against me. Needless to say, we rarely see them and I spend my nights crying for my son’s company.”

There are numerous other cases of daughters-in-law who not only ill-treat their in-laws, but conspire to cut off their husbands completely from their families. Why these women find joy in separating a son from his mother is truly beyond comprehension.

Such is the case of Sania who had a few fights with her bossy mother-in-law and decided it was best if her husband was away from his family for good. “My mother-in-law is in Pakistan and I live in the US. But the distance didn’t stop her from harassing me. I took her taunts on the phone for a few months till I got pregnant. When I had the baby, I knew my husband would finally do as I say and I used that power to instigate him against his mother. I just didn’t want her around me and my son so I made sure all contact was broken. Now my husband visits her alone once in three years,” shares Sania.

Another heartbreaking instance is of Maliha, who didn’t like her husband Ali meeting his family. So after her marriage, she made sure he stopped meeting his mother and his sisters. “He listens to whatever I say,” discloses Maliha. “He cares about my feelings and understands why I don’t want his relatives around. He sometimes lies to me and meets them but whenever I find out, I make my displeasure with his actions clear.”

Unfortunately, what these daughters-in-law don’t understand is that a son cannot break all contact from his family and he will suffer constantly if he is made to choose between his mother and his wife. So is it fair to break such a bond just out of hatred and spite?

 

Make it work

Difficult daughters-in-law make life particularly dicey because they are the gateway to your relationships with your sons and grandchildren. Here is advice on how to handle problems with your daughter-in-law.

Finding a way to relate

If you want to find a way to relate, you have to refocus on what you have in common. From that will come compassion. And from that will come a happier, less contentious relationship.

As the more mature, more experienced one, it is up to you dear mother-in-law to find a way to relate.

If your daughter-in-law is a control freak...

Remember that controlling people come from a place of fear and a lack of trust in themselves and others. Maybe she grew up with parents who were unreliable or always had a hidden agenda. To her, everyone has the potential to let her down. You can prove otherwise by being the most reliable, transparent mother-in-law in the world.

If you promise to bring the kids home at a certain time, do it. If she asks you not to feed them junk food at the mall, honour it. Show that you can be trusted.

If she rarely shows appreciation...

Not being able to show appreciation is a behaviour that may stem from something else. Perhaps she wasn’t taught to show gratitude, so it doesn’t come naturally. Maybe she’s extremely self-absorbed, in which case, you need to focus on your own motives. Are you doing what you do primarily for the show of appreciation? Or are you doing it for the joy that accompanies helping the family? Try to cut back on your expectations.

If her favourite word is ‘no’

Some people automatically gravitate towards ‘no’ as their first response. The key is to approach with gentle curiosity. Is she really opposed to something or just accustomed to saying no before truly considering what’s in front of her? The next time she says no to your offer or suggestion, ask, “What are your concerns?” There may, indeed, be something legitimate. Or not. Either way you can try to help her brainstorm for a positive conclusion.

Another possibility is to offer choices so she feels part of the process and less confined by one option.

If your daughter-in-law competes with you for your son

Remember that it takes two to tango. Once a son takes a wife you must accept that you are no longer the most important woman in his life. This doesn’t mean you can’t be close, but your job is to support their union, not your maternal relationship. If your mother-in-law competed with you, remind yourself how it felt personally and how it felt for your husband to be in the conflicted middle of two different but important women. Do not repeat the same behaviour with your son and daughter-in-law. You are in the best position to be a force for good, even when your personalities seem to clash.