Parenting

For better or for worse?

Many of us don't realise it, but the 'traditional' way we raise our
children can turn out to be destructive for them in the long run. You! takes a look...

Growing up in this country we are all aware of one fact, to discipline a child, scare them to an extent that they start obeying you out of fear. Now, this might be the traditional approach and many elders are adamant that it works, but the fact is creating fear in children's heart can actually destroy your bond with them. Just because a toddler behaves well out of fear, does not mean a 15-year-old will do the same thing. A scared teenager will simply lie to your face and do whatever he or she wants to discreetly.

Yes parents, I am going to give it to you straight, kids lie. I am sure all of you did too at a younger age. Think about it, there are thousands of teenagers in this world who do drugs and other mischiefs and I am pretty sure none of their parents approve of their behaviour. Then why is it that the children's involvement in drugs, fights, racing and other dangerous activities still continue? The answer; their parents have no idea what is going on.

See, it's really simple to lie. You just make a straight face and tell your mom that you need 5000 rupees for tuition money. And then you can walk out of the house and take your girlfriend out or buy cigarettes or weed with the cash and no one would know better. And do you know where this behaviour of lying came from? It came from you.

All those times that you screamed and hit your toddler taught him to be defiant and hide things from you out of fear. And as the children grow older, they drift further and further apart and in the end all you will be is an authority figure they need to keep secrets from. However, if a better approach to parenting had been applied, the child would have turned out to be honest in the long run.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy to be a mother or a father and I also understand how annoying toddlers can be. They sit in one place and scream their head off for no reason, they poop wherever they want and throw food out of their mouths for fun. I mean, who does that? Admit it or not but they more or less like little hurricanes. But last I checked it was you who decided to give birth to that little hurricane and now it's your job to raise them in a gentle manner.

Needless to say, the approach you have been taught to raise children has been wrong all along and can also be harmful for a child's mental health. I realised this after I met up with a friend from Australia after ages. She has a daughter who is only a year and a half old and is one of the most hyper kids I have ever come across. However, she is still completely different from the Pakistani kids I have been living around. She hardly every cries, shouts or acts naughty and it took me a few days to realize why; it's because of the calm attitude of her parents. Since they are rearing her in Australia, they are inspired by the way the foreigners bring up their kids. They don't shout or hit the child at all. I lived with them for a week and not once did I hear anyone raise their voice at the little monster.

Now, right in front of this example, are my friend's glorious Pakistani relatives who keep screaming at their children over every single thing. Even if a child says, "I want water", the mother would scream and snap, saying things like, "You just had water ten minutes back," or "Don't drink so much or I will have to take you to the toilet, let mommy talk to her friend." Logically speaking, if the child wants water, just hand it to them. Why give them hell over such small things? And if you really wanted a child who didn't pee, poop, or was inquisitive and made demands, then you should have just created a robot instead, woman!

Cutting the long story short, teach your children love and honesty by treating them with respect when they are toddlers. Don't scold them, hit them or bully them, because they are too young to understand what they are doing. They might get on your nerves initially but if you stay calm for the few initial years of the child's growth, you will be awarded with years of peace. Not only will your child learn to love and trust you, but will listen and obey you simply out of that love they possess for you. But if you continue to discipline them strictly, they must just end up thinking, "My parents have a problem with everything I do, so I will just do whatever I want and ignore them."

Here are a few parenting tips you can use on your toddlers so they grow with a positive impact on their mind. You can surely teach your toddler to behave well by providing love, attention, praise, and encouragement.

Show your love: Make sure your displays of affection for your child outnumber any consequences or punishments. Hugs and kisses reassure your child of your love, whereas frequent praise and attention can motivate your toddler to follow the rules.

Accept your child: As your child grows, he or she will display certain personality traits. Some of these are learned, others genetic. Respect your child's developing individuality and don't expect him or her to be just like you. While you're likely to notice certain features of your child's temperament, avoid labeling them as it can encourage bad behaviour.

Minimize rules: Rather than overloading your child with rules and frustrating him or her - prioritize those geared toward safety first and gradually add rules over time.

Prevent tantrums: It's normal for a toddler to have temper tantrums. But you might be able to reduce the frequency, duration or intensity of your child's tantrums by being understanding. Explain to them how to follow the rules. Instead of saying, "Stop hitting," offer suggestions for how to make play go more smoothly, such as "Why don't you two take turns?" Also, don't overreact when your toddler says no. Instead, calmly repeat your request. Lastly, pick your battles wisely and only say no when it's absolutely necessary. Remember, your behaviour serves as a model for your children's behaviour.