What should a woman do if her marriage becomes toxic? Should she suffer in silence or opt for divorce? In this regard, You! spoke to a cross section of professional women to get their input. Here goes …
‘When I was about to get married, my mother gave me a profound talk about the sanctity of nikah and the importance of making the marriage work, come what may. There was a lot more she said, but the gist of it was that I had to do everything in my power to keep my husband and in-laws happy, and not to come crying back to her with my problems.
“I am sure my mother meant well as she loves me, but this advice - that I took to heart - made my life hell. I did everything to make my husband and in-laws happy but they took advantage of my meekness, and were very mean to me. I think being too agreeable and pliant does not work with people who like to bully and humiliate others. I realised this when the treatment I was getting got extended to my children. I started speaking up for their rights and all hell broke loose for me. Literally!
“This time, however, the difference was that my husband understood that his mother and sisters were being very unfair to our children. When my sister-in-law scolded my daughter on some very small thing, he snubbed her - something he never did for me - and straight away she blamed me for poisoning my husband’s ears. The result was a big fight and we finally got our own place. Was taking this torture worth it for 22 years? I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to, if my mother had told me that I must be understanding and accommodating but shouldn’t let anyone ride roughshod over me,” narrates *Yasmeen, a middle-aged married woman.
But patience is not always rewarded in this world … case in point is *Noureen’s story.
“I was 23 years old when I got married. I had done my graduation and started working in a good company when this proposal came. My husband was on a very good post, so everyone thought I was a very lucky girl. They made me leave my job, saying they didn’t want my money. My husband’s parents were alive then, and his three married sisters also lived near our house. They used to come over after sending their husbands to their respective offices. Their children used to come directly from their schools to our house. I was made to cook for all of them, look after their children and even pack food for them to take home with. It was hard work and I used to be so tired that by the time my sisters-in-law went home, I had no energy left. However, that was not the worst part. My mother-in-law used to tell my husband how I had misbehaved with his sisters and how they had gone crying from their only brother’s house. That used to get me beating every other day. The first time my husband beat me, I went to my mother’s house and told her I wanted a divorce. My mother scolded me, told me I must have done something to deserve the beating, and sent me back. Had my parents supported me then, I would have left my husband,” shares Noureen. “But I never even got moral or emotional support from them. My in-laws realised I was at their mercy, so I suffered thus till my sons started going to university. They started defending me and physically stopped my husband from hitting me many times. Now, my sons are earning well, and my husband doesn’t want to be in their bad books, so he stopped abusing me mentally and physically, but we have no relationship at all. I am just a glorified maid to him. Now, I am 59, a mother of three grown-up children who are my rock. But, given a choice, am I willing to live that life again? Absolutely not,” elucidates Noureen.
Once the initial glow - or maybe the veneer - of happiness subsides, most marriages experience turbulent waters. Sometimes, the couples successfully navigate through the current and find their way, but sometimes they become miserable in their marital relationship. What should a woman do if her marriage becomes toxic? If her husband has anger or trust issues that make him volatile, should the woman take it because she has kids, or opt for divorce? You! spoke to a cross section of professional women and housewives to get their input. Here goes …
Shedding light on the issue, Anis Haroon, human rights activist and resident director of the Aurat Foundation for the Sindh province, says, “I don’t think women should stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children. Toxic marriages are known to have negative effects on kids; however, sometimes women are forced to do that for financial reasons, in the absence of any state or social support.”
Talking about miserable marriages and when to call it quits, Samina Ahmed, a veteran television actress, states, “I feel that it is best if the couple part ways if there is unhappiness, lack of understanding, and compassion between them. Usually, women are made to compromise because of economic pressure and of course family pressure and our society. It is necessary for families to be supportive and help the women who want to get out of unhappy marriages. It is also necessary to educate our girls and make them financially independent so they are able to take their own decisions and be in control of their own life.
“There is also a perception that the children suffer if the marriage does not work out. I would say, yes; they do suffer, but they suffer more if the parents are unhappy and are unable to communicate. Children are traumatised by clashes between parents and the scars damage their growth and later life. It is best to agree and end a marriage that doesn’t seem to work for the betterment of all concerned,” she adds.
Speaking to You! about toxic marital relationship, Tasneem Ahmar, Founder and Executive Director, Uks Research Centre, stresses that it’s a multi-dimensional issue. “One answer cannot fit all situations - some of the issues that contribute to make a marriage miserable are: psychological health, physical abuse, sexual problems and emotional abuse. Some of these problems can be solved if the couple seeks professional health. However, if a woman is abused physically, she should leave. When a husband abuses his wife, it affects the children adversely as well,” she expresses.
“Women are strong and resilient by nature. They need awareness about their rights and support from their families. If their families cannot support them monetarily, they should offer emotional and moral support. Emotional abuse is another issue that needs to be addressed. There is hardly any talk about women’s mental health; In fact, discussion on this topic is avoided by the media. Emotional abuse problem can be taken care of through counselling, and same is true for sexual issues between the spouses,” she observes.
“The need of the hour is to educate girls about their rights when they hit puberty. Parents should educate their girls and make them independent. They should realise that marriage should not be the only goal for a girl. She should marry a person with whom she can have understanding, love and respect. If a marriage is devoid of these three essentials, then the solution is to get out,” she suggests.
According to Tasneem, the entertainment media is not doing its part in creating awareness about the rights of women. They portray marriage as a means to getting designer outfits and jewellery. The glamour part of the marriage doesn’t last beyond a couple of months, and after that real life sets in, for which girls are often unprepared. “Entertainment industry needs to create awareness. Light dramas with serious messages can work. Our neighbouring country’s film industry has done some serious work. They get the message across in movies that are fun to watch, but have important lessons. Most importantly, society should realise that women’s lives matter,” emphasises Tasneem.
Faiza is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, hypnotist, guidance counselor and a motivational speaker. She has over 12 years of experience in her field. She provides the services of career counselling, marital counselling, and counselling for children.
Talking about temperament issues, Faiza explains, “Living in a toxic marriage can have effects on mental health. But to go for a divorce is a big step and you must see which category you fall into. If a man has anger issues and loses control over small things and in that state taunts, scolds or physically abuse his wife, it is his nature at work or what we can call ‘mizaj ki kharabi’.
“Character issues are when a man is into other women, drugs, etc. Temperament issues can be dealt with medical counselling, if both or one of the spouses is willing to work on the issues. But character issues are bad news and cannot be managed unless a man shows firm commitment to overcome his problems by going for counselling. A woman tends to try and hide her husband’s bad habits thinking that her prayers and sabr (patience) will reform him, but this is not how it works. Sabr doesn’t mean taking everything that is dished out: it means to try your best to change your spouse’s habits and pray to God for him to change.
So, before arriving on the decision to end the marriage, the woman should see which type of issues she is facing: temperamental or character. Medical counselling helps if the problem pertains to temperament but one-sided efforts are not fruitful. Only if a man really wants to reform, can counselling help,” she elaborates.
“Here, I would like to say that as a nation, we suffer from bebussi ka mizaj (victim mentality). Allah and His Prophet never said that a woman must stay with an abusive husband in an unhappy marriage. In fact, the Prophet (S.A.W) granted khula to a woman who went to him and said she did not like her husband’s looks. So this Pakistani concept of doli and janaza (once married, stay with the husband till death) is purely cultural. Allah never told women to bear abuse,” she highlights.
The sanctity of the institution of marriage cannot be overstated, but let’s not ignore the fact that the relationship between spouses must be a happy one. People are born different from each other. Siblings, born of same parents, living under the same roof have different personality traits. So, how reasonable is it to expect a girl to transform her personality for the sake of making her in-laws and her husband happy just because society expects her to stay in a toxic relation till rescued by death?
People don’t get married with the thought of divorce in their minds, but it is a fact that divorce is now becoming a common occurrence, and people have become more accepting of the fact that it is better to split than to remain in a toxic marriage that can destroy one’s emotional and psychological wellbeing.
That, of course, doesn’t mean that one’s attitude towards divorce should be cavalier. Giving give up just because of differences of opinion is not right. All matters of conflict need to be addressed. A successful marriage is only possible if people realise they must talk things over instead of keeping everything bottled up inside because when problems are not addressed, they can fester the relationship, which leads to the erosion of marriages. It is important to give one’s best shot to the marriage before opting for getting out.
More often than not, timely counselling can save a marriage. Hereunder are some signs of a troubled relationship. If you are experiencing any of these, seek professional help before it becomes too late.
Ongoing anger: Ongoing anger in a marriage may be related to external pressures and typical joint family issues. If this type of anger is not resolved, it can ruin a marriage. If it becomes a constant feature in a relationship, counselling is recommended. But if anger turns into physical or emotional abuse, it is time for you to end your marriage. No one deserves to be a victim of domestic violence, as it can worsen over time.
Lack of respect: Respect is one of the key elements necessary for a successful marriage. For any relationship to work, the spouses must respect each other’s opinion even if you do not agree with it.
Lack of trust: Trust is perhaps the most important factor in any relationship. Lack of trust in your spouse is a sure sign your marriage is in trouble, and you need help.
Animosity: If you find that you can no longer like your spouse and have developed actual dislike for them, you should realise something is wrong and the issue needs to be addressed.
*Names have been changed to retain privacy.
