My dad will always be there. I will always be there for my kids and they will for me....
father’s day special
They’ll always be there, right? A psychological mind-set we apply to many facets of our lives; my mum will always be there. My dad will always be there. I will always be there for my kids and they will for me.
Except none of that is true. Without a conscious awareness of our own mortality and that of those around us, we are not prepared to grieve and so when grief hits, it is in the hardest possible way with a lasting impact. Father’s Day 2023 will be my tenth as a father. But that is not what goes through my mind. I will also not reflect on the 27 Father’s Days I had with Abbu. I count the ones without him – this is the fifteenth.
I had a decent run; hundreds of millions of people do not get 27 years with their dad. And I didn’t just get those years, they were years filled with love, compassion, kindness and most importantly; lessons.
Lu’Lu is now nine years old, Raffi six. As with all kids, they have moments where, as parents, we need to correct their behaviour. And it’s often after one of these moments where I recall an incident similar to where Abbu needed to tell me off, or somehow show me an error of my way. “So that’s why he did it” is a standard reflection of mine.
These lessons, the majority delivered in a silent, non-confrontational way, are the things I miss the most and is also the thing I am yet to master delivering myself as a father. Why am I unable to teach my kids without them knowing that what I am doing is providing the benefit of a life experience? Why, at this stage of my own life, am I looking for the guidance I thought as a teenager I will never need again?
I can only put this down to grief, the one thing Abbu did not teach me how to do or to confront. It was his one blind spot, he lived in denial of his own mortality and so we never spoke about it. Here I am fifteen years later still trying to work it out for myself.
Father’s Day so then becomes a day where I look back on what I had, what I don’t have and what I can do to try and make sure my kids have fewer gaps than I think I do. I look back on the life of love my father gave me. He was not a typical Asian dad. And I look forward to trying to give my kids the sort of love he gave me but also in a way that when they get to a stage of life I am at now, they don’t search for ways to plug the gaps.
Then, it comes to how I am myself with Lu’Lu and Raffi. Father’s Day has rarely been for me over the last nine years to purely celebrate being a dad. My kids show bundles of appreciation, but that is not what dominates my day. It serves to just highlight what I have lost and where I think I am falling short.
It is almost as if grief for something which happened a decade and half ago is holding me back from giving and feeling my best in the most critical role of all – as a parent. I am learning how to be a father to a daughter who is in the ever changing and growing independent stage. I have had to listen to my wife and hold back on how I deal with Lu’Lu’s challenges to make sure we have a strong bond as we steam ahead into teenage-hood. I am learning how to deal with a son who daily strives to be the best.
As I enter the Father’s Day period of self-reflection, I realise that maybe I have plugged the gaps I feel Abbu left behind. Because in 2023, parents are dealing with challenges which parents in previous generations didn’t have to. We try not to lose patience when our child is in a bad mood, rather we try and understand the trigger to work through and avoid repetition. We don’t scold mischief; instead we nurture it to make sure the child is not stifled in their growth and development. If Lu’Lu answers back to me, I have to hold back because I know that for a woman to succeed in the world, she has to be able to stand up for herself. She is not bossy or moody – she is strong willed and determined. And harnessing this for me is one of the most crucial challenges as a father in the 2020s.
Raffi has a quest for knowledge. On so many topics – dinosaurs, cars, wild animals. In years gone by, the child would gain information wherever they can. Now, the world is their oyster online. So, I pick up knowledge with him. We go through it and learn facts together. What good is an interest and hobby if you don’t have anyone to share it with, right? Having regret that I never went to a football match or a game of cricket with Abbu means that I want to be that someone for Raffi to share his hobbies with.
Sometimes, I dig myself into such a mental hole as a father that I don’t see what I do have. A daughter who knows what she wants (in that moment at least!) and how to get it. A son who strives to impress. And this is (partly) down to the father I am which is fundamentally down to the father I had.
He was such a kind man. Generous in spirit and possessions. Considerate. Fun. Making people laugh. Always looking for the best in people. Wanting to get to know people. A man small in stature but a giant in presence. Maybe the gap I truly have is being able to thank him for making me all I am. Thank you, Abbu, and Happy Father’s Day.
Naveed Khan is a passionate writer and a lawyer by profession, based in London.
