This week in our special Father’s Day issue, we pay tribute to all the exceptional and wonderful single dads out there. We admire their strength and commitment and recognise their role both as a father and a mother. Read on...
We celebrate Mother’s Day with much enthusiasm and vigour, we especially uphold single moms in great esteem who are raising their children singlehandedly despite all odds. But as much as we appreciate single mothers, we seldom recognise the role of single fathers in upbringing their kids. For single moms, it comes naturally to nurture a child but when it comes to single fathers, the task is tough. Usually, single fathers have to go through many challenges. The term ‘single father’ can be used for men who are separated, divorced or widowed. For these men, it’s a prejudice rooted deep within the conviction that women make better parents and that, somehow, there’s something wrong with men raising children on their own. Being single parents, fathers also deserve to be appreciated.
This week in our special Father’s Day issue, we pay tribute to all the exceptional and wonderful single dads out there. We admire their strength and commitment and recognise their role both as a mother and a father. In this regard You! has talked to two dedicated fathers who have shared their unique experiences with our readers. Their real-life stories can be inspiring for other single fathers who are struggling with a number of parenting issues. Read on...
“A father doesn’t tell you that he loves you. He shows you.”
Being a single parent is not always a choice. In most cases, it is always fate. Challenges of single parenting, especially being a single dad, are overwhelming.
“Ours was an arranged marriage. I was smitten by Salwat’s beauty and innocent looks. We got married in 1997. It was like a dream come true but little did I know that after spending 20 wonderful years together she would leave me, I could never imagine she would ask for a divorce. This husband-wife relationship is very complex. You never know what’s going inside your partner’s mind,” shares *Zulfiqar, a divorcee with two grownup boys.
“At the time of my divorce, both my sons were teenagers. My elder son was 16 and my younger son was 14. They were devastated, but slowly and gradually they came to terms with the reality. Now, my elder son is doing his BBA from a reputable institute and my younger son is working for a call centre. He intends to have his own business in future,” tells Zulfiqar, who is an executive officer in a private firm.
When asked why he opted to remain single after his divorce, Zulfiqar elucidates, “Initially, I decided to remain single because I was hurt and not ready to start a new relationship. My children were my priority as I wanted them to be emotionally stable. For that, I sought help from professional psychologists and took both children to them. To sum it up, they advised that a window should be open for them towards their mother. That was already my view too as I never stopped them from meeting their mother to this day. In fact throughout the years, my ex-wife and I have remained in touch when it comes to mutual problems of the children.”
“To be honest, I considered second marriage, but I did not find anyone compatible. Also, I don’t want a marriage that becomes a compulsion. And there is no pressure from my family because in our family nobody interferes in other people’s business,” he adds.
Children may also give a solo parent an emotionally tough time. What was your experience? To this end Zulfiqar says, “Generally, they were very well behaved in the initial years, and we enjoyed a close bonding. In the later years, I faced a lot of difficulty, partly because as they grow, they do not depend on you and also because Gen-Z kids have entirely different personalities globally, because of access to social media and internet. This is something which is faced by married couples with kids, too. Now, they are grown up and are independent and you are happy to see them that way.”
It is common for single parents to go on a guilt trip after a bitter divorce. Did you go through that kind of guilt? “Yes, but then you move on. It’s better to get separated if you are not connected internally, either from one side or both,” expresses Zulfiqar.
Have you ever been judged by your family or society? “I am lucky in the sense that my whole family, especially my brothers, have always supported me and I have few close friends who are always there for me. I really didn’t face any societal judgement and even if it was there, I wouldn’t care about it as it is my life choices and priorities,” comments Zulfiqar.
What is it like being a single dad? “It’s quite tough for a father to balance between home life and professional life, as for 12 hours you are not home, apart from weekends. But you have to do this continuous balancing act. Twice the responsibility! There are financial constraints too. No matter how hard you try, you can never take the place of a mother. Nobody wants to be a single father or mother as the children are the actual casualty of a divorce,” points out Zulfiqar.
While describing some of the challenges one faces while raising one’s children as a single parent, Zulfiqar tells, “One of the biggest challenges for a single father is to make sure that the house is maintained and cleaned and to ensure that the kitchen is running smoothly. I do all this with the help of servants. There is a cook and a house boy who takes cares of the house.”
According to Zulfiqar, there are some advantages of single parent too. “Like, there is no dual chain of command. You can independently take decisions as you deem fit with regard to your children.”
“On the downside, you are no more invited to social gatherings. Even some of the restaurants don’t let enter you saying ‘This is a family section’. Sometimes, I also feel lonely in the absence of my partner but then I indulge myself in reading books or watching Netflix. I also go on long drives, it unwinds my mind,” shares Zulfiqar.
He feels that one cannot maintain strict discipline in the house. “You can’t just dictate boys all the time. Children are born free, and they have a right to decide about their own lives. We can just guide them. However, we need to train children for everything from a young age. We usually spoil them due to our blind love,” suggests Zulfiqar.
He advises to get separated if your values aren’t the same but don’t live a life of hypocrisy. “Till death do us apart sort of thing doesn’t always happen in real life.”
So, what is one thing you would like to change in our society? “Stop poking your nose into other people’s lives. They have their own challenges, and you don’t know about them. Single mothers face twice the difficulties as compared to men, especially if they must step out and earn as well. So, respect them,” he stresses.
“No one in this world can love a girl more than her father.”
If parenthood is a roller coaster, going at it alone can make for one hell of a ride. Single dads go through the same troubles as single mothers concerning their children.
“We had an absolutely beautiful marriage. My wife and I had our differences but always short lived because she would take initiative to mend fences, not surrendering per say. Her life was entirely focused for the wellbeing of the family and raising the girls. However, fate had other plans and she left us forever. When my wife passed away, my elder daughter Nadia was 23 and younger daughter Zara was 21,” tells Khurshed A Khair, aka KK, lovingly called by his family and friends. Khurshed was educated partially in East Pakistan. His family migrated to Pakistan after the fall of Dacca.
“It wasn’t easy for me to cope with my wife’s sad demise. However, my daughters gave me much needed emotional support. In fact, their love and wellbeing for me has always been so comforting. I value and cherish our relationship as they took the mantle of running the house with enormous responsibilities - not an ordinary feat,” shares KK who is a high profile banker. These days, he is working as a consultant with a UK- based organisation called MOMO.
Why did you opt to remain single? “After the loss of my caring wife, who was such a great balancing factor in the upbringing of our daughters, I did not want to hurt my daughters by bringing another woman into our lives. I am happy that I didn’t, despite insistence from friends,” replies KK. “All three of us are happy that way. My elder daughter, after graduating from UK, now works for a German bank in London. My younger daughter works in a sustainable e-commerce company,” he adds.
Shedding light on how life as a single father is, KK explains, “I guess playing the dual role of a father and a mother is the most difficult thing about being a single dad. It is tough at times psychologically, because I cannot fill the gap left by my wife. Sometimes, I feel I am unable to give them guidance as a mother would. Growing girls need a mother throughout their lives more so, when they are in their practical lives. Moreover, I couldn’t leave them home when travelling - my job needed considerable international travels, so I took them with me for many years - so they travelled across the globe from UK, Europe to Far East to Africa. Often, I would blend it with a few days of vacation. I believe this was a natural blessing for creating a stronger bond between us. The global exposure also inculcated a major amount of confidence in my girls. I take some pride in that as it has allowed them to face the world boldly.”
KK feels that he has been blessed in a number of ways. “Human beings are given innate strengths to adapt and manage circumstances and situations. I have no financial constrains as such. We have lived independently throughout. We are fortunate to have old servants who continued living with us, even after my wife passed away. So, I didn’t need to ask for help from my family in any case. Keeping balance between your home and work is not difficult once, you recognise your priorities. My daughters are my priority now,” elucidates KK.
“Being a single parent has its joys too, perhaps greater independence,” comments KK. “Well, you do feel lonely at times without your partner but then you have to move on in life. I have a great circle of friends. Plus, I keep myself busy. In my spare time, I watch TV, listen to music and call my friends over. Initially, I felt awkward to socialise without my wife but now I am used to it. My friends have graciously accepted me as a ‘bachelor’,” grins KK.
Talking about facing disciplinary issues at home, KK says, “Luckily, maintaining discipline at home was never a problem as girls give you less trouble. However, my house help found it difficult to take orders from young girls. But then, I played the role of an ambassador and now the house is run smoothly by my younger daughter as my elder daughter has shifted to London.”
According to KK, some of the best ways to raise smart kids include giving them confidence and space to grow independently. “Be their friend and they start trusting you,” suggests KK.
“My greatest regret in life was not expressing my love to my wife as I ought to – after all her dedication to family was no match to mine. At that time, I was struggling financially and could not give her my full attention. I wish I could do that,” laments KK.
The one thing that KK would like to change in our society is the respect for girls and women in general.
*Name has been changed to retain privacy.
Erum Noor Muzaffar is the editor of You! magazine. She can be reached at iram29@hotmail.com
