This week, You! shares with its readers the experiences of grief and trauma of some widows who talk about the economic insecurity, stigmatisation, and harmful traditional practices prevalent in our society…
For a woman, the loss of her husband is devastating. She is suddenly bereft of her husband’s protection and becomes financially and emotionally insecure. So, when a man dies, his other relatives mourn the loss of their father, son or brother but the widow also has to think about her finances, her security and, more importantly her children to worry about while coping with her loss. She often has to fend for herself because she cannot always depend on her in-laws or her own family for her and her children’s monetary needs. This week, You! shares with its readers the experiences of grief and trauma of some widows who talk about the economic insecurity, stigmatisation, and harmful traditional practices prevalent in our society…
Sadia was only 24 years of age when she lost her husband in a tragic car accident. Even after 25 years, talking about what she went through when she was widowed brought tears to her eyes. “Initially, my in-laws and my own family stood by me, assured me of their love and support and promised they would take care of the financial needs of my three-year-old-son.
“Living in a joint family was not easy when my husband was alive. His parents were very kind and affectionate, but the wives of his two brothers were a different story. They were jealous of me and behaved like the vamps of an Urdu novel. My husband also had a married younger sister and I got along well with her.
“When my husband died, the wives of my brothers-in-law became very kind to me. In the first few days after his death, I was not in my senses and they looked after my son. During my iddat (the period a woman must observe after the death of her husband or after a divorce, during which she may not marry another man), they treated me like a younger sister. To this day, I feel grateful to them. They have passed away, but I pray for them every day.
“My parents-in-law told me after iddat that if I wanted to return to my parents’ house, they would understand, but they also said they would be happy if I continued to live with them as their daughter. I decided to stay with them as I did not want to deprive them of their grandson, and him of his grandparents.
“After about a year of my husband’s passing, his married sister came to my room and started shouting at me. Her shouts brought my parents-in-law to my room and they asked what was going on. She told them her husband wanted me as his second wife, and that I must have led him on. I was forced to leave my husband’s house. I went to live with my parents and had a tough life because my brother’s wife did not want me there. I had nowhere else to go, so I suffered in silence. My parents-in-law did not help me financially, but the wives of my husband’s brothers visited often and took responsibility for my sons schooling. It was due to their help I was able to educate my son in good institutions and now I live with him and his wife and their children, finally happy and at peace,” she shares, wiping tears from her eyes.
Sadia’s story is sad, but she was still lucky to have some support after being widowed. Mostly, women find themselves with no support or shelter if their husband dies without leaving them the wherewithal to get by. They become dependent on relatives’ charity to bring up their children, as most of them are not educated and cannot work to support themselves.
The rights of a widow are overlooked with impunity and she is not given her share in the inheritance, especially if she is childless or has only daughters. In rural areas, the widow is often forced to marry her brother-in-law, or live like a servant for the rest of her life. Sakina had to marry her brother-in-law against her wishes. “After my husband’s death, I was treated very badly by my in-laws. My son was 11 years old at the time, and my father-in-law did not allow me to return to my parents’ house. He told me if I went against his order and returned to my parents’ house I would not be allowed to take my son with me. I asked my father-in-law to secure my son’s inheritance because I knew that after his death, my brothers-in-law would turn me out with my son. My brothers-in-law did not like this and became very aggressive towards me. One night, my eldest brother-in-law came in my room and tried to rape me. My cries for help woke up my father-in-law, and he barged into my room. My brother-in-law was caught red-handed, but instead of showing any remorse, he accused me of adultery and said that he had only come into my room because he heard a man’s voice from my room. It was my word against his, and my father-in-law told me to hush. Later, he told me to marry the same brother-in-law if I wanted security for me and my son. I had to agree,” laments Sakina.
Widows’ inheritance rights are not respected at all. They are evicted from their home, or even separated from their children. Not many people allow the widow to observe her iddat period at her husband’s house, which is something enjoined by our religion. Nasreen recounts her horror story. “I was told by my sister-in-law to leave the house along with my 18-year-old daughter at the soyam (third day after death) in front of all the immediate family members. The house in which I lived with my husband, his parents and his two unmarried sisters - both in their fifties - belonged to my husband. My daughter, according to Islamic law of inheritance, has a 50 per cent share in the house, and I have one-eighth. My daughter stood up for me and told her aunt it was her father’s house and she had no right to turn her mother out.”
Most parents marry off their daughters before they can complete their education, and that needs to change. When a woman loses her husband and finds herself without support, she should be able to stand on her own two feet. Fareeha’s husband died of heart attack one month after her marriage. He had a congenital heart disease, and his own father had died of heart attack at the age of 50. Still, Fareeha was dubbed manhoos (unlucky) by her mother-in-law. Her in-laws did not even allow her to attend her husband’s funeral, and turned her out with just the clothes on her back. Although, she was traumatised by the death of her husband and the treatment of her in-laws, she managed to pull herself together with the help of her parents. Since she is a highly educated young woman, she got a good job and is not a burden on anyone. “In the beginning, I was numb with grief. For a while, I even believed I was unlucky because manhoos was the word my in-laws hurled at me when my husband died. My parents had to consult a psychiatrist and even then, it took me a year to snap out of the guilt of being the reason of my husband’s death. Since my late father-in-law was a friend of my father, I came to know that he had also died of heart attack, which helped me absolve myself of the guilt I was living with. My parents’ love and support got me through that dark time,” she elucidates.
For many women in Pakistan, the loss of their husband means the loss of their basic rights in his property as well. Women, widows and their minor daughters are refused their property share in different parts of the country like Dir, right bank area of river Swat and Bajaur Agency. In certain areas of Sindh, Punjab and Baluchistan, women are even murdered when their relatives go to a court of law to demand their share in inheritance or refuse to surrender their right to inheritance.
Women are also much less likely to have access to pensions than men so the death of a spouse can lead to destitution for women of older ages. On the other hand, child widows and young girls experience multiple rights violations and face life-long impacts from premature marriage and widowhood. Kausar Perveen, Associate Professor, Department of Sociology, University of Karachi, says the status of widows vary according to their backgrounds. “If they are financially independent, they are better off but if they are dependent on their offspring or in-laws, they face a lot of problems. A widow who lives with her in-laws, especially in rural areas, suffers both physically and emotionally.
“Even in urban areas, it has been observed that daughters-in-law don’t want anything to do with their elderly mothers-in-law and corner them using their children as excuses. They say that the children are spoilt by the grandmother. They accuse them of interfering in their lives and that is why old homes have opened here. Deviation from religion is another reason why the elderly people are not treated with respect. Parents, especially widowed ones, are considered a burden. Family institution, though still there, is weakening. Widows deserve respect and consideration, but when they are old and become sick, they become a problem for their offspring,” she states.
Brig. Dr. Shoaib Ahmed (Rtd.) Sitara-E-Imtiaz (Military), Executive Director, Institute of Behavioral Sciences, Dr A.Q. Khan Centre, Dow University of Health Sciences is a trained psychiatrist. He believes that the plight of widows is mainly ignored by the society, and underscored the need to look after the mental health of the widows. “The pain of a widow is difficult to comprehend. She contends with denial, anger and depression. Usually, the period of grief is 45 days for the death of a loved one but for a spouse, it can take longer. Losing your trustworthy companion is almost a lifetime issue. It’s very difficult to get over the loss. The bereaved person feels lonely, cries a lot, and has anxiety issues, especially at times like birthdays and anniversaries. It’s a painful process.
“Depression and anxiety can manifest in biological problems like loss of appetite and sleep. The person becomes prone to hypertension and diabetes due to stress, and can even develop PTSD. The widow/widower can become lonely after their children get married and start their own lives; they tend to feel isolated and become depressed.
“In joint family system the widow gets some support, but in the nuclear system it is more difficult to get over the grief. If depression is discerned in a widowed person, be it man or woman, a psychiatrist should be consulted. Studies have revealed that after the death of a spouse, the surviving partner tends to die soon. A psychiatrist can prescribe antidepressants to help the surviving spouse become normal.
“The family and friends can support the widow/widower by encouraging them to attend family gatherings and meeting friends, or in other words, to get on with life. Ideally, the widow should be allowed and encouraged to re-marry. Men often get married which helps them in overcoming their grief, but for women it is more difficult because there is a stigma attached to widow re-marriage in our society. However; women, in general, are more resilient. They become involved with their children and grandchildren, but for men the loss is harder to bear. A woman can simply visit the next-door neighbour any time of the day to pass her time, but men are reluctant about visiting their own relatives.
“To help widowed people, identifying and dealing with warning signs of grief should be made a part of studies for psychologists. Influencers like imams, scholars and media person should work towards removing the taboos attached to widow re-marriage,” advises Brig Shoaib.
To help widows, government should implement the rights of inheritance given to women by our religion throughout Pakistan. Also, employment opportunities for widows should be created to empower them. And, above all, it should be ensured that women are not denied their rights to inheritance in their husband’s or parents’ property.
For many women in Pakistan, the loss of their husband means the loss of their basic rights in his property as well. Women, widows and their minor daugters are refused their property share in different parts of the country.
