Mix and match

Three matchmakers talk about the matrimonial problems
prevailing in our society. You! takes a look...

In today’s day and age, it is assumed that finding a partner is easy. After all, mediums like Facebook, Instagram, snapchat etc have us connected to hundreds of people at once. Hence, it shouldn’t be a problem to find your soul mate, right? Wrong! Finding the perfect match is still a problem in our society. The reasons are more or less the same as they were some 20 years ago. In this regard You! talks to three experts who are in the matchmaking business about the current problems when it comes to mix and match.

What men want!

One of the main reasons girls are finding it hard to find suitable proposals is the unnecessary demands of men and their families. According to Mrs Mumtaz Qureshi who has been in the matchmaking business since 1982, the core unnecessary demand that causes many girls to be deprived of ‘good rishtas’ is the obsession that men have with appearance. “No matter how rich, poor, educated or uneducated the boy is, they all demand a good looking girl,” states an exasperated Mrs Qureshi. “The majority of men are searching for a girl who has a fair complexion.”

Another matchmaker Mrs Seema Samad says, “Mostly mothers come to me and request to find a girl who cooks well. They want their ‘bahus’ to be good in everything - they should be educated as well as expert in house hold chores. I find it very difficult to find that ‘perfect’ girl for them.”

If on one end there is demand for ‘sugharr’ girls then on another demand for professional girls is on the rise.  

According to Mrs Qureishi now the values have changed. Some greedy families want professional girls especially doctors as they earn quite a lot. “I urge families to focus on the girl, her personality and her family rather than looking at how much she is earning,” utters Mrs Qureshi.

“Most of the men nowadays want to settle abroad and if they have attained good education from Pakistan, they insist I find them a Pakistani girl from America, preferably a doctor. The guys feel that they have worked hard throughout their lives and deserve to go abroad. If they can’t find a job abroad on their own, they rely on the girl to get them settled there somehow,” shares Mrs Samad.

Regarding the financial aspect of ‘rishtas’, Mrs Khan who has been a matchmaker since the past 15 years states, “The area where the girl lives also matters. Many a time, boys aim to find a girl from posh areas just to elevate their social status. I operate in Lahore and Karachi and most of the times I have received requests for girls from Defence area. There have been incidents where the boy’s family refused to meet the girl as soon as they found out that she doesn’t reside in a posh locality and made us cancel the meeting.”

“Another thing which comes in the way is the cast. Many families do not approve of the mixing of castes and ethnic backgrounds. Punjabis prefer being married into a Punjabi family,” tells Mrs Khan.

Sometimes these matchmakers also have to tackle with irrelevant questions directed at the girl. “People ask the girl inappropriate questions like, ‘Do you read the newspaper?’ ‘Do you know what’s going on in the country? I still haven’t been able to understand how such queries help in judging the personality of a girl and how she can manage a home,” questions Mrs Samad.

Apart from unnecessary demands and confusing questions, the matchmakers also find it difficult to judge which information being provided to them is correct. “A great problem is that guys lie about their age. They pretend to be younger even though their age is evident the minute you glance at their faces. Usually, the parents refuse to share where their son works or how much he earns. They insist on getting their demands agreed upon before they can take the proposal forward,” shares Mrs Khan.

According to Mrs Mumtaz Qureshi, lying and providing misleading information is amongst the greatest problem when it comes to setting people up. “Men give false information about their jobs and salaries. In fact, I have come across so many matrimonial proposal ads in newspapers that are fake. Sadly, the families of single girls usually fall for these ads as their main purpose is to find a good home for their daughters. They begin to build dreams on false pretences only to have their hopes crushed later,” she enunciates.

What women want!

However, on the flip side of the coin, it is not always the guy and his family that have unjust demands. Many girls who belong to upper middle or rich class require qualities in a man that are impossible to find.

Regarding the high end needs of girls, Mrs Samad tells, “Money is the core demand of the girl. Looks might not matter to them but status elevation is a must for them. So many girls make unreasonable demands nowadays and state that they want to marry a guy who does not have a mother or father. This is their major concern after money. Honestly speaking, I find it embarrassing to ask someone if they are an orphan.”

A few irrelevant demands that Mrs Samad feel have nothing to do with the bond of marriage include, the guy having 6 pack abs, allowing the girl to wear sleeveless shirts and being able to buy them designer outfits. “Some girls even go as far as saying they need a guy who acts like their dog. Now, how can I conduct a search for a proposal of a henpecked husband?” she questions.

Mrs Khan is also of the similar view that these days it is the educated girls and their families that have difficult demands otherwise parents of a girl from a middle class are usually compliant. “Most of the parents who come to me in search for a proposal for their daughter are helpless. There is such dearth of good proposals that all the middle class families want is for their daughters to find a suitable partner. They just want a man from a good and decent family background. They are not even concerned about the level of education the suitor in question has attained,” she adds.

Even though many middle class girls don’t have high demands, they still find it difficult to settle down. “Finding good proposals has become difficult since the past eight to ten years. This is because girls are highly educated nowadays while the boys are not that qualified. Hence, many girls refuse proposals because they dream of marrying a man who has the same level of education as them,” informs Mrs. Qureshi.

So, the point is...

We need to understand that marriage is a life time commitment. It is not a business. In our society marriage is a norm. One is lucky if one gets a partner of his/her choice but sometimes one seek others’ help to tie the knot. In this regard matchmakers play an important role but when you go to a matchmaker your expectations should not be high. Be practical and don’t make unrealistic demands. Matchmakers do not have a magic wand to provide you with a list of princes or princesses. We need to realise that we all are normal people with average attributes. So it’s better if we keep our greed aside and look for a companion not a trophy!

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Mrs Mumtaz Qureshi

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Mrs Khan

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Mrs Seema Samad