Comparisons are odious

RANT

Ever since I became old enough to understand things happening around me, I realized I was the daughter that could do no wrong. I was a person pure of heart and mind. I was totally selfless; I never said no to anyone – I couldn’t, as to do so would disintegrate the halo my mother had woven around me. The result? My maternal and paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins loved me, and I needed to be worthy of love and regard bestowed on me.

Can you imagine the immense pressure I was put under because of my well-meaning mother? Just because she wanted all our relatives to say that I was the best of all the children in our family! And, unfortunately, it worked. My maternal uncle would tell everyone at family gatherings, “P is the best girl in the family including my own daughter, Z,” and my mother would beam with pride. It just so happened that Z was a brilliant student; she was, and still is, an outgoing, confident girl who always said what she thought. She did not worry about what our relatives would think about her. I was often compared with her as we were born five days apart. And there are no prizes to guess who won the praise of the family.

“Being a brilliant student is never enough for a girl,” my mother would whisper to my grandmother and aunts. “I love Z, I do, really, but I wish she could be a little less outgoing and act a bit like my daughter because girls who put their wishes above their elders are not considered good.” My mother saw to it that Z was not really liked by the family, all the while professing her love for her only niece. The strange thing was that in her own way, my mother loves Z, but she wants everyone to love me and consider me the best.

While I had to waste my time smiling and entertaining the guests to prove how congenial I was, Z studied. People who went to my aunt’s house often confided into my mother that I was a great girl who knew the importance of relationships but Z had no not been brought up to understand what one owes to family, and my mother gloated.

Till my early teens, I confess I also loved the adulation of my family members. However, a time came when I started to realize the impact of being dubbed the best girl of the family on my life. I could not disagree with anyone, had to smile when bored out of my wits and waste my time entertaining people when I needed to study! As the realization of my situation dawned on me, I felt ashamed of the part played by my mother in antagonizing the family against Z. But, I couldn’t do anything; I had this halo to protect, after all. I confess I liked all the admiration and love I was getting and didn’t want to give it up although there were times I wanted to scream and tear my hair out, especially when I had to hear the drone of old ‘aunties’ with a smile.

I still don’t understand my mother’s campaign against Z, who loved me a lot. And believe me I also love her very much. My mother could have promoted me without maligning Z, but she chose not to do so. The one thing that rankled my mother was Z’s academic excellence. Z was superb in co-curricular activities, but ‘good’ girls should only go to educational institutions to study, not to waste time like her was what my mother said, giving my example to clinch the matter.

I know Z used to get hurt. I know my aunt knew what my mother was doing, but she was not a campaigner like my mother. She simply supported her daughter, ignoring what family thought.

Then came the shock that made my mother mad. Z got admission in a public medical college. My scores were not good enough and I didn’t make it. My mother couldn’t accept this ‘defeat’. She made me get admission in a private medical college, and told everyone that public colleges were not for me as the environment there was not good. She told me I had let her down and was quite abrasive to me.

We both became doctors, but Z has become a specialist. She cleared both parts of FCPS on the first attempt, but I haven’t been able to do so till now. All my family members have realized that Z is a great doctor and seek her advice. I have now managed to break my halo. I have started doing what I want, where to go, who to talk to and it is not sitting well with my family. The thing is I don’t care anymore; I feel free for the first time in my life and am enjoying myself.

Are you trying to figure out the purpose for all this rant? Let me enlighten you: comparisons are odious. When parents compare siblings and offspring with the children of the family members or friends, they put them under immense pressure. I was under a great pressure for the longest time in my life. I want the readers in the same boat to understand that if this is happening to them, they should deal with the problem sooner rather than waiting till they are in the late twenties like me. All parents may not be as vicious as my dear mother in their comparisons, but they may indulge in this activity without realizing what they are doing to the mental health of their children. If you spot that happening to you, take a stand, tell your parents your limitations and do what is right.

Believe me, being in the good books of everyone sucks. Don’t let your parents do what my mother did to me. Rather than wasting precious time by competing with your siblings and cousins, enjoy every moment of it. Try your best but don’t feel bad if anyone else is better than you because no matter how good you are, someone will always be better than you!