As it happens, I’m a homemaker, by, and I take pride in bearing this generally underrated title more than I like to be called myself an engineer, which is what I am in terms of my qualification....
COVER STORY
Due to changing economic dynamics, the number of working women is on the rise. In almost all fields, young girls are making waves, working hard to support their families, but in the process, are their homes and families being neglected? Urooj Saad takes a look…
“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only — and that is to support the ultimate career.”
- C.S Lewis
As it happens, I’m a homemaker, by, and I take pride in bearing this generally underrated title more than I like to be called myself an engineer, which is what I am in terms of my qualification.
The reason I opted to be a homemaker – and so many other women belonging to the ‘homemakers fraternity’, as I call it - is quite simple, although it has far-reaching impacts. In today’s chaotic world, our society needs strongly-knit family units and individuals who are not only equipped with modern education, but also with unshakable faith and good moral values, achieving which seems to be quite impossible without the focused and selfless efforts of the homemakers, working 24/7, least bothered by the disdainful fact that their services remain unpaid and unacknowledged.
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When I look at the current situation, I feel that the electronic and print media (which seems to be highly influenced by the Third Wave of Feminism) tend to accentuate the lives of women who either stand out in their respective professional fields, or belong to the world of glitz and glamour, or, on the other extreme, are victimized by society. Our ‘Land of the Pure’ is generally projected as a country where girls are prohibited and even shot down for attending a school by the extremist groups. Our country is projected as a place where women are dominated and abused by the male members of their families. What upsets me more is that the incidents related to rapes, acid attacks and gender-based harassment are readily reported on media, but not even a minute of report appreciating the efforts of a great number of educated women belonging to a great number of liberal families, living contentedly and with respect in the same patriarchal society!
These women have the ambition of nurturing their families before they go on to serving the society; they are committed to fulfil their responsibilities just as they like to enjoy their rights, they have the desire to direct their education/knowledge to enlighten their lives and of those around them without calculating the money they make or the hours they work. They consider their children’s achievements as their own and the well-being of their families is their reward.
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I often wondered what made Ayesha*, a Russian by birth and a converted Muslim, who is now in her early 40s, tie the knot with one my cousins, some eighteen years back in Moscow. She didn’t mind answering my curious questions about the driving force behind this life transforming decision. “I was actually impressed by Inayat’s genuinely respectful attitude towards his female peers, back during our university days. So, I approached him to learn about Islam, then I made up my mind to convert and, later on, married him.” Intrigued by her story, I asked her why she migrated to Pakistan. “This was after we got married that I came to know about Inayat’s family and the family set-ups in Pakistan, where most of the married women are homemakers and the men willingly take the responsibility of being the bread winners. I realised that this was the place where I should settle. In this way, I could raise my children dedicatedly in an Islamic environment, which would otherwise be a hard nut to crack, had we settled in Moscow.“ She added that she considered herself very blessed as she has very supportive in-laws and friends here in Pakistan.
This was rather an unanticipated view from a foreign, educated woman that helped me look at things from a different perspective. What most of the educated Pakistani women usually ignore and take for granted is the fact that in general, our society believes in preserving strong family values for which the contribution of a homemaker is undebatable. So, while more and more girls are getting educated at all levels and in every field, with the number of working women going up and more laws being implemented to ensure workplace safety for women, our culture is still pretty supportive for a homemaker. In fact, our society has a lot to offer to the so-called modern and developed societies, where the family set-ups are shattering and the general trend observed in these societies show that the majority of the women consider their careers as their top most priority, and don’t even hesitate to neglect or abandon their families.
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Samreen* is a mother of a two-year old daughter who happens to be my next-door neighbour. She holds a Master’s degree in Food Sciences and had been working as Quality Control In charge at a famous fast-food franchise till she got betrothed to Rizwan*.
“I didn’t hesitate telling Rizwan that I wanted to be a homemaker through and through. So, I quit my job a couple of months before I stepped into my married life,” she recalls as we set up the chess board. Hira*, her daughter was engrossed in playing with her colour tablets. Currently, Samreen only takes freelancing content writing projects every now and then, even though her husband wanted her to pursue her professional career, because he thought it was rather necessary for her personal growth.
Both, Samreen and I share multiple common interests. Besides playing chess, both of us make sure that we take out time for regular workouts. We believe that if we love our family, we have to love ourselves first - and obviously, keeping ourselves fit is the best way to do so.
It was some months ago that I joined a gym. I invited her to come with me, but she turned me down. “I don’t like the idea of leaving Hira even for a couple of hours. Although, I’ve a maid and my in-laws to take care of her, it gives me utmost satisfaction to look after my child who, in my eyes, is the greatest blessing of my life,“ she told me.
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It’s been over a year that I got to know Faiza* when I joined a WhatsApp group offering lessons for in-depth Quranic studies (Tafseer). She has been managing the group for five years now. She holds a Master’s degree in Home Economics. During my initial conversations with her, I came to know that she had had her only child after fourteen long years of her marriage. In the meanwhile, she joined a Quran class. In her own words, “It’s been a remarkable journey ever since. The enlightenment that I received while doing that course has helped me through the toughest times of my life. It helped me realise that even if I didn’t have any kids back then, I still had so many opportunities and responsibilities as a homemaker. I started taking the institution of marriage as a hallowed commitment. I firmly believe that fulfilling my responsibilities as a homemaker will certainly pay me off in this life and in the life hereafter.”
So true! Being a homemaker myself, I know how painstaking it often gets to adapt to the new lifestyle, especially when one has to live in the joint family system. I’ve often felt, though, that a homemaker’s patience, the compromises she makes for a peaceful and blissful married life are often misunderstood as her weakness and her being financially dependent, but I think that it’s all a game of resoluteness and willpower to make a marriage work and manage a family.
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In a survey conducted by the American Academy of Pediatrics, Division of Child Health Research (2004)**, the majority of the paediatricians opined: “Mothers should not work outside the home from infancy to pre-school age.”
It reminds me of two of my female lecturers at the university, who advised us, the female students in the final year, to start our professional lives preferably after we got married and after our children were at least school-going. The resentment on their faces clearly showed how badly they felt about missing out the golden moments of joy that they could share with their children, had they been stay-at-home moms.
A similar piece of advice was given to Beenish*, a peer at the gym, by her gynaecologist whom she went to see during her first pregnancy. Beenish, at the time of her marriage, had recently finished her master’s degree in Business Administration and instead of accepting a lucrative offer from a prestigious organization, she chose to be a homemaker. When I asked her why, she told me that she wanted to give her family her undivided attention and that she had her husband’s complete support in this regard.
I find Beenish’s life enviable for the reason that her family respects and appreciates her for her efforts as a dedicated homemaker. Looking at her contented life, I wish that every homemaker of our society could be as lucky as Beenish, but let’s face the bitter reality: most of the women who stay at home for the sake of their families, relinquishing their careers, are taken for granted. The selfless efforts that they make to bring up their children and take care of the in-laws, generally go unnoticed and unappreciated, even by their spouses.
What an educated and ambitious homemaker feels and expects from her family and society is that her pivotal role in nurturing a cohesive family and in bringing up the future generation, should be endorsed at all levels. Obviously, a society with strong family units is expected to be more peaceful and tolerant than a society where the idea of a home and a family is melting away.
It’s only because of the sacrifices, compromises and the endeavours of the stay-at-home women, that the houses are transformed into homes and from a holistic view, their understated contributions do count in shaping up the society.
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In such a milieu, the mass media should step forward and take the responsibility to highlight this very significant and inspiring aspect of the women of Pakistan. This will definitely help in bringing about a change in the otherwise indifferent public attitude towards the homemakers. Just a few words of appreciation can make a big difference to let these wonderful ladies know that their immense affection and untiring efforts mean the world to those around them.
* Names have been changed to protect identities
** Reference to the thesis report titled, ‘ Working Mothers Vs Stay at home Mothers: the Impact on Children’ By Kelly L. McIntosh, available at Google Scholars
