I’ve made it

INTROSPECTION

“I’ve made it!”

The meaning of these words has changed for me tremendously over the years. Growing up, I used to think that if I've scored great on my test, I've made it. If I get selected to play for my team or even better; win, I've made it. I never thought to myself what those experiences meant. I never regarded making friends or doing something kind for someone as an achievement. I always wanted to be best individually, and never a team player.

Somehow the whole competitiveness we're taught from the start was so deeply ingrained in my being that all my abilities were a reflection of those teachings. I had to be the best in class. I had to speak well, and conduct myself with distinction. If people knew who I was, I was reassured. If someone praised me, I felt fulfilled. If I got recognized for my hard work, it made it all worth it. This positive or negative feedback mechanism, however you may want to see it, came naturally to me.

I carried those ideals into adolescence and even adulthood. I used to think if you work hard, you'll be rewarded. If you're honest, people will treat you with dignity. If you study hard enough you'll be at the top. If you put in an effort into your relationships, people will reciprocate. At the time, somehow making it in the world and life in general was almost effortless. Make a fool proof plan, execute it, and you could simply make it.

It took me many years to realize that things are not what they always seem. Sometimes you try your best and it still isn't good enough. You can dream about going to a certain college, university, country, make a career that you want and circumstances don't work out in your favour. No matter how hard you've tried there can still be a chance that you don't get it. That someone else is better at it.

I learnt by experience that even if you're honest in your work you might never be recognized for it. People may still doubt your intentions. And trust someone who just wants to spread malice.

In all those experiences of losing people, losing at life, not being recognized for my work, ethics, writing, I figured it was time to change the meaning of “I've made it”.

These days if I sleep soundly, wake up without any fear or anxiety; if I sit for hours in a quiet room listening to the rain outside; if I watch the clouds go by with time; if I hold my evening tea and have a meaningful conversation with a book, a close friend or with family; if I spread a smile on someone's face; if I can help someone without expectations; if I can keep a clear conscience and still make it home safe: “I've made it.”