Break

Blatant racial discrimination

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah, “What did you do at recess?” Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.” Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box. Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard, I’ll also give you a fresh-baked cookie.” Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’, I’ll give you a cookie.”

Cooking class

 One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Now don’t forget to use wooden spoons.” As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs Jones to test my theory. “Why wooden spoons?” I asked. “Because, she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I’d go nuts!”

Ways to intimidate a telemarketer

• Tell them to talk very slowly because you want to write every word down.
• Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
• Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree, so then you say, “Now you know how I feel!”
• If MCI calls try to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends... would you be my friend?”
• If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
• When they ask, “How are you today?” Tell them, “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems: my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...”