Rising from ashes

COVER STORY

Slowly and gradually, blood comes out, at a snail’s pace, steadily, dripping from my arm. Another wound, another piece of skin torn apart, another battle scar. The flesh of my arm at the site of the cut has become more prominent and visible to the outer world. The blood makes its way across my arm, all the way to the palm of my hand, and then to the tip of my fingers, and then falls, just like me, drop by drop on the floor. I don’t know how exactly to put my feelings into words. I don’t know what people will make out of me if they ever see me like this. They might think I have escaped from this mental asylum. But why should I care about what others think? I wonder what people have done to me. Then, I realize they are the ones responsible for my wild thoughts, my insanity and my miserable condition. I’m not going to think about them!

I notice that my entire arm is covered in blood. But I feel no pain.

 

Am I really going to

survive this? I don’t know, or maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, I already know the answer.

Why am I so strong? Why can’t I feel the pain that can take away a normal person’s sleep? Why have I been made so senseless by the misery that this world has “bestowed” upon me? I don’t have answers to these questions.

Life is cruel. Everyone leaves you, sooner or later. Even the sun, in the nightfall leaves you alone in the dark. No matter how many times people say they won’t leave, they all walk away.

I hear voices in my head. These are the voices that counsel me, they understand me. These voices talk to me. These voices are of the demons that live in my head. Yeah, demons! They don’t get along well with each other. Some of them tell me to rip my heart out of my chest. While, others tell me to still have faith in life, still believe in myself; they keep saying that good days are coming and I should remain hopeful. These thoughts are killing me and it seems as if I have lost control over them.

I need help; I have to look for ways to escape this bitter and dark reality.

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• It’s coming for you. Death is coming for you. They are going to take you away.
• Don’t listen to them. Just don’t listen to them. Keep fighting. Never give up!
• You know what? It’s what you’ll always be. No matter how hard you cry, how many times you fool yourself by saying that you could go through this; no matter how many times you try to tackle this, how hard you try, it just can’t be changed because that is what you are, a failure! Hell will soon be upon you!
• Don’t give up the war you’re fighting! You are a warrior! You are capable of more than you think. These miseries and pain will draw you closer to your Lord. The trials of this life will ultimately lead to joy if you patiently trust in Lord’s plan. But you have to stay strong.

 

Don’t give up the war you’re fighting! You are a warrior!

Believe in your Lord! Remember, consistency and power of will, can make The Everest a small hill. If they try to break you and you fall, get up with a smile on your face; dust yourself off with a never-say-die attitude!

• So you are going to change everything for yourself, and make it good for yourself. You know what, you make me laugh. Have you looked at yourself lately? People run away when they see you coming towards them. Accept the truth! You will always be a failure. You will always be the one who is stepped upon. Life will always be like this for you. You will always live in the shadows of others. Stop telling yourself that you’re never going to give up. Stop telling yourself that you’re going to survive, because you won’t!”

Am I really going to survive this? Am I? I don’t know, or maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, I already know the answer: one day, I’ll just fade away from this world. I will always be a loser. People will never stay true and loyal to me. This is how life is always going to be for me. Should I give up? Should I let this darkness surround me forever? Should I start hurting everyone who has contributed even a small portion in inflicting this pain upon me? Don’t they deserve it? Did I deserve it? Did I deserve to be hurt? No! But still I have been hurt, stepped upon, ignored, and ridiculed. Then, why don’t they deserve to be hurt? They do, they deserve it. And I’ll be the one who will give it to them.

• Hey! You! Wake up! This is not you! Why are you deciding to give up? Why are you so hopeless? Do you know why people always hurt you? Because God chose you! You are the one; not everyone can be like you. This pain is upon you for a reason. Stay strong! Because all of this pain, all of it, will vanish one day! Don’t lose hope! You don’t need anyone to make you complete. Stay strong, for good days are coming!
• “No matter what you do, you can’t change the reality. And the reality is life isn’t supposed to be for people like you. God doesn’t even like you. Because if He did, He wouldn’t have left you alone in such pain. Why don’t you understand that no matter what you do, you will always be like this? You have a cell waiting for you in a mental asylum.
• God sent miseries upon you because He knew that you could tackle them and go through them and emerge victorious in the end. There are very few days left!

Stay strong; do not give up!

• Everyone will leave you in the end. Why don’t you understand that it is in your fate? You’ve been harmed by many. You are so miserable that now you want to hurt yourself. Accept the truth and get used to it. It is how it is for people like you. You only have darkness in your fate, utter darkness.”
• Do you know why you’re so hurt? Why you are in such pain? Part of it is because you’ve brought it upon yourself, not all of it, just some of it. You have high expectations of people, and when they let you down, you end up getting hurt badly. You should know that expectations are nothing but tools that our minds create. Just try to focus on yourself. God will help you. You just have to keep fighting. No matter how many times you fall, you have to stand up and keep moving.

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I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I am sick and tired of all this! Am I really that strong? Am I really capable of a lot more? Is God really testing me by making me go through this pain? And what if I give up? I will become a monster who has no guilt and can’t tell the difference between good and bad. But no, I don’t want to become a monster. I want to make it better for me. I want to live for myself. I want to emerge victorious. With all these battle scars, reminding me of the battle that I am fighting now, I will help people going through the same situation. Nobody is here to help me. But I want to change this; I want to be there for someone like me. And, I can’t do that if I become a monster. Life is not about giving up; it’s about giving in your best. I have to fight with all my miseries; I have to fight with my broken self; I have to fight my demons; I have to fight all those obstacles which have been put in my way. I know God is testing me, and I know that His reward will be much bigger than the pain I’m going through right now. I have to fight anyone who tells me I can’t be any better. I have to fight, and I have to be my own savior, and I have to emerge victorious to prove to the world that here I stand, tall and strong. And no matter what you bring upon me, you just can’t take me down!