COMIC RELIEF

• Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): You want me to attend a work meeting? The thing that killed Julius Caesar?
• Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit): There's terror, and then there's the raw, unmitigated horror of those 6 seconds it takes to cancel your unintentional FaceTime call.
• Kristen (@Kica333): I’ve realized that the true secret to happiness is just staying away from people.
• BOOP (@Pettyyyboop): I always make the same mistakes just to be sure.
• McDad (@mcdadstuff): As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media.
• Granite Man (@GraniteDhuine): I'm not leaving Twitter yet. Some of you have still to complete your final descent into madness, and I want to be here to see it when you finally get there.

Laugh Lines

The fire

A lawyer and an engineer meet while staying at a hotel.

The lawyer says, "I'm here because my house burned down. All my possessions were destroyed in the fire, but the insurance company has paid for everything."

The engineer replies, "I'm here because my house and everything I own was destroyed in a flood, and the insurance has paid for everything."

The lawyer pauses for a second, confused, then says, "How do you start a flood?"

Two businessmen meet on the street.

One says to the other, "My friend, you have my sympathies for your shop burning down yesterday."

The other hurr­iedly shushes him and says, "Not yesterday, you fool, tomorrow."

POINTS TO PONDER

“If you're gonna to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.” – Marilyn Monroe