Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix): Me [dusting off New Year’s resolutions from last year]: Okay let’s try this again....
* Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix): Me [dusting off New Year’s resolutions from last year]: Okay let’s try this again.
* Robert K. Young (@RobertKYoung): New Years Resolution #1: Make new friends to alienate.
* Adam (@adamgreattweet): Time zones are wild because Australia is in 2025 while America is still in 1954.
* Jesse Case (@jessecase): It takes an insanely weird year for everyone to forget that Dave Grohl had a secret kid.
* Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): My New Year’s resolution is VHS.
* Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl): Hi friends – for the new year, I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. If you need me, you can find me here, constantly.
After checking the test results, a surgeon speaks to a patient the day before their surgery. “I have good news and bad news,” the doctor says. “Which do you want first?”
The patient asks for the bad news first, so the surgeon continues, “This procedure is extremely risky. In fact, it has a 75 percent mortality rate.”
The patient freaks out, but asks, “So what’s the good news.”
“My last three patients died.”
Right before the procedure, the surgeon says, “Relax, Jim. It’s just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic.”
Confused, the patient replies, “but doctor, my name isn’t Jim.”
“I know,” the doctor says. “I’m Jim.”
A doctor looks at the x-ray of a patient. “Ahh yes,” he says. “This is what I’m afraid of.”
“What’s that doctor?” the patient asks.
“Skeletons.”
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
