Brought to you by humankind’s determination to never learn from our mistakes...
COVER STORY
2024 took us on a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs.
We fell in love with a pygmy hippo, marvelled at the physical prowess of our more athletic fellow humans (and the glorious inaptitude of a break-dancing Aussie), rejoiced when a certain “potato” and his brother reunited, and became way too invested in the beef between two rappers.
And we also said goodbye to Bennifer 2.0 because love is clearly dead, thirsted over the lethal face card of a suspected killer because apparently that’s who we are now, and cursed the person who invented clackers while putting a hex on whoever made them popular again.
More than anything though, we, as a species, insisted on repeating our mistakes, much to the dismay of anyone with at least a single functioning brain cell. Sure some long-term rulers were dethroned, but several familiar faces also mindbogglingly managed to return to power.
2024 inherited the geopolitical conflicts of its predecessors and then proceeded to make them worse. The only thing higher than the cost of living was our tolerance for genocide.
The globe got warmer, armed conflicts got conflictier, our interests got selfisher. Basically, a lot of things just got, well, badder.
As we bid adieu to 2024, here’s what went down in the last 12 months…
Japan earthquake: The year got off to a rocky start when a 7.5 magnitude earthquake shook Japan on New Year’s Day, killing at least 462 people and injuring 1,344 others.
Later in the year, a 7.4 magnitude earthquake struck Taiwan, killing 18 and injuring 1,100 in April. And a 7.3 magnitude quake in Vanuatu caused 14 deaths and 210 injuries as well as extensive damage in Port Vila in December.
Iran-Pakistan tensions: In mid-January, Iran carried out a series of missile and drone strikes in Balochistan. Two days, later Pakistan conducted retaliatory airstrikes on Iran’s Sistan and Baluchestan province.
Pakistani general election: After no party secured a clear majority, Pakistan Muslim League (N) and Pakistan People's Party ended up forming a coalition government following the general election, with PML-N's Shahbaz Sharif serving as prime minister and PPP's Asif Ali Zardari as president. Meanwhile, the former prime minister continued to be embroiled in legal issues and remained incarcerated on multiple charges.
European Union’s Artificial Intelligence Act: Our artificial intelligence overlords allowed us the illusion of creating a regulatory framework governing AI with guardrails to protect humans, so that we wouldn’t figure out that reality is actually a simulation thought up by a bored machine that wanted to see what would happen if it built a world with sentient beings who were under the impression that they’re in control.
Kate Middleton’s absence: Kate Middleton was either recovering from cosmetic surgery and/or domestic violence, having a secret ginger baby, growing out her bangs, playing a game of hide and seek that had gone out of hand, in a coma, dead, or all of the above, depending on who you asked on the interweb, earlier this year. In response to the Internet’s collective imagination going haywire, the British princess was forced to reveal that she was, in fact, undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, which she completed by September.
Floods: Heavy rainfall in the Middle East severely impacted states in the Persian Gulf, causing flash flooding and at least 32 deaths.
Later in the month, floods in the Brazilian state of Rio Grande do Sul caused dozens of deaths and left thousands homeless. And floods in Kenya and Tanzania caused 488 deaths and displaced thousands.
2024 also saw devastating flooding in Central Europe (September) and Spain (October).
But it’s lucky that climate change is just a left-wing conspiracy, right?
Solar storm: Nature put on a show, painting the sky with ethereal lights as a series of solar storms – among the most powerful to affect Earth in decades – produced auroras in more equatorial regions than usual.
Months later (in December), in a bid to help us better understand our star, the Parker Solar Probe flew too close to the Sun but emerged safe and sound from the scorching fly-by. Somewhere, Icarus tried to conceal his jealousy.
Brat summer: The ladies of pop ruled the world in 2024. The summer belonged to one Charli XCX who turned the world lime green with her sixth album, the hyperpop sensation Brat, a cultural phenomenon propelled by a very memorable marketing campaign and not quite as memorable bops.
Meanwhile, Sabrina Carpenter dominated the airwaves while mumbling her way through super cringe lyrics because why not. Chappel Roan was equal parts riveting and grating. Gracie Abram was the nepo baby of the year. Billie Eilish continued Billie Eilishing. Reigning global empress Beyonce ventured into country music. And Taylor Swift made a zillion dollars with her Eras tour.
Inside Out 2 release: Pixar continued its recent tradition of retreading old ground with sequels that aren’t quite as good as the originals in Inside Out 2, an on-the-nose dissection of anxiety wreaking havoc as puberty kicks in. Earning nearly US$1.7 billion at the global box office, the film ended up becoming the highest-grossing animated film of all time for some reason.
The other billion-dollar earner of 2024 was July’s Deadpool & Wolverine, a string of cameos and Easter eggs held together by the barest of plots. The only Marvel release of the year amidst the MCU losing its cinematic stronghold, the movie made $1.3 billion … which is probably how much was spent on the incessant marketing campaign for Wicked that somehow seemed to go on for about a decade this year.
Julian Assange release: After years of incarceration in the U.K. for the crime of exposing other people’s crimes, polarizing cyber outlaw and info leaker Julian Assange was released after negotiating a deal, pleading guilty to charges of conspiring to obtain and disclose classified U.S. defence documents before returning to his native Australia.
Hajj tragedy: 1,301 people – including at least 58 Pakistanis – died due to extreme heat during the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, with temperatures soaring to over 50 degrees, hitting 51.8 °C at Masjid al-Haram at one point.
T20 World Cup: The Indian cricket team was in stellar form at the ninth edition of the T20 World Cup, winning the tournament while also becoming the first team in history to win the title undefeated. South Africa were the runners-up. Meanwhile, in keeping with tradition, the Pakistani cricket team delivered yet another “why do we even bother” performance. Because of course.
The Games of the XXXIII Olympiad: The country collectively learned that javelin is apparently an Olympic sport when Arshad Nadeem won Pakistan our first gold medal in over three decades in what we are hoping is something that actually happened and not just a collective dream we all had because if so please don’t wake us up, this is all too glorious! Arshad Nadeem, you absolute legend, you!
The games, however, very emphatically belonged to the U.S. and China – as usual – with the two countries winning 126 (40 gold, 44 silver, 42 bronze) and 91 (40 gold, 27 silver, 24 bronze) medals respectively.
Other memorable moments from Paris 2024 included Dominica, Saint Lucia, Cape Verde, Albania, and the Refugee Olympic Team winning their first-ever Olympic medals; France’s podium sweep at the Men’s BMX race; and whatever the hell it was that Raygun was trying to do. #Yikes
Monsoon Revolution: The anti-quota, anti-fascist Students–People’s uprising ultimately led to the ouster of Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who fled Bangladesh. Nobel laureate Muhammad Yunus took charge of the country as the chief adviser of the interim government.
Mpox epidemic: In the continuing saga of microorganisms hating humans, the mpox outbreak was declared a public health emergency of international concern by the World Health Organization following the spread of the virus in African countries, begging the question: what did we ever do to upset germs, and can’t we all just get along?
Diddy assault charges: The world was shocked by what Diddy did as Sean Combs joined the growing list of fallen entertainment moguls. The rapper faced numerous lawsuits regarding sexual misconduct, eventually leading to his arrest on the charges of sex trafficking and racketeering. The whole situation served yet another reminder – if one were still needed – to not equate art with the artist and not worship celebrities; talent and morals can – as we have seen all too often by now – be mutually exclusive.
Gaza genocide: The deadliest war for Palestinians in the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict entered its second year, as the most documented genocide and domicide was basically live-streamed to the world. The war has claimed over 45,000 Palestinian lives in Gaza and displaced nearly all of the strip’s 2.3 million Palestinian population.
The world pretended to care while doing a whole lot of nothing about it.
U.S. presidential election: The latest season of the world’s favourite reality show – American politics – brought the lolz with an electoral cycle so bizarre it had to have been scripted by the producers for ratings.
Just as acclaimed soothsayer Moo Deng predicted, Republican Donald Trump defeated Kamala Harris – who replaced the aging Joe Biden as the Democratic nominee – to once again become the president of the U.S.
Childless cat ladies were not pleased by this development.
Trump was also convicted earlier in the year on 34 felony counts in the Stormy Daniels hush money case, survived two assassination attempts, and appointed the world’s richest and least favourite human, destroyer of Twitter Elon Musk, as the co-lead of the planned Department of Government Efficiency … because why wouldn’t a department for efficiency need TWO people in charge?
Syrian civil war: Rebels toppled Bashar al-Assad’s government, as well as his various statues, in the ongoing series of dictator statue destruction, serving yet another reminder that if you are a brutal despot, maybe not leave behind giant symbols of your oppression that people will one day ride through the streets like some sort of a bizarre parade float.
United Healthcare CEO killing: The reaction to the murder of an insurance company head showed us that if you must kill someone, let it be the multimillionaire CEO of a health insurance company, because people clearly hate them and their passive murders more than they hate literal point-blank murder.
Oh and be super hot. That helps too.
And on that cheery note, we bid farewell to a ho-hum year.
Here’s hoping the next one is kinder to everyone – from the Ukrainians
and the Sudanese to cat ladies and One Direction fans – and humankind
finally learns that love is a lot more rewarding than hate.
Happy New Year, everyone!
