Do you think I should marry my uncle’s daughter and forget the way he treated me, or should I marry the girl I have been in love with since my first semester?
How can I forgive my uncles?
Dear Guru,
I lost both my parents, one after the other, before I was 12 years of age. My paternal grandmother looked after me before she became bedridden, and after that, I was at the mercy of my uncles and their families. Although I wasn’t a financial burden on them, they did not want me and treated me very badly. My father had a house and two shops, and their rent was also used by my uncles, but at least they didn’t stop me from completing my education. Actually, they didn’t even know anything about my studies, and my frail grandmother was the only one who guided me. It is because of her that I became an engineer, like my father.
I have a decent job, and since I turned 21, I also got the management of my father’s properties. I am thankful to Allah that my father had provided for me, and my grandmother made sure that I got my inheritance. However, I cannot forget how my uncles, aunts, and their children treated me. I was frequently beaten by my uncles for minor mistakes, like breaking a teacup or being late to come to the dining table for a meal! They never spoke to me kindly and made me do their children’s work. For a long time, I had nightmares where I broke a glass or vase while dusting it, and was severely beaten. Now that I am a qualified engineer with plenty of money, my youngest uncle wants me to marry his spoiled daughter.
Guru, I don’t want to marry my uncle’s daughter, and I want nothing to do with them. I feel scarred. My uncles told me that I should be grateful to them for providing a roof over my head; otherwise, despite my father’s wealth, I would have suffered badly. There is some truth to that because I know a guy whose aunt cheated him out of his inheritance by spending everything his father had. Besides, they are my father’s brothers, and he loved them.
Do you think I should marry my uncle’s daughter and forget the way he treated me, or should I marry the girl I have been in love with since my first semester? How can I forget and forgive them? And more importantly, should I trust them?
Scarred Guy
Dear Scarred Guy,
I'm truly sorry for the difficult experiences you've faced growing up. It’s clear that your resilience, particularly with the support of your grandmother, has helped you achieve a lot. Regarding your current dilemma, you have every right to choose who you marry. Marrying someone you don’t love, especially under duress, will only lead to regret and further emotional distress. The scars left by your uncles’ treatment are deep, and marrying your cousin would not heal those wounds—it may even reopen them. You don’t need to forgive or forget everything immediately. Healing takes time, and it is okay to feel anger and resentment toward your uncles. Your uncles treated you cruelly, and it’s natural to question their motives now, especially when they ask for something from you after all they put you through, so you can obviously not trust them. You have every right to distance yourself from people who hurt you, regardless of their familial ties. It’s okay to choose to walk away and pursue happiness with the girl you love, not someone who is part of a painful past. Your happiness and peace of mind should come first, and pursuing a life with her will likely be much more fulfilling than honoring a misguided expectation set by those who hurt you. To forgive and forget, you need to take time to process your emotions. Besides, even if you forgive them, you can hardly forget their behavior. So, even if you feel you should forgive them because of your father, you should not let them control your life or trust them and their motives.
Forgiving someone can be liberating and rewarding, so when you feel ready, you can do so. Until then, enjoy your life and don’t forget to take care of your grandmother. Good luck!
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